Help the aged," sang Jarvis Cocker. In DP Land, the song translates, "Shoot them from your balcony."
The leafy, ekologichesky chistyi environs of Profsoyuznaya ulitsa were witness to a bizarr-o Death Porn last week, when three pensioners hanging out on a park bench outside a local McDonald's got into a heated argument. While we're not privy to the subject of the argument, we're guessing it had something to do with inflationary pressures on the price of vodka, and how in the good ol' Brezhnev days a bottle was three rubles. Maybe they couldn't agree on the exact cost in 1980.
In any event, the conversation ended abruptly when a 66-year-old party to the beef got up and stalked off. He went directly to his apartment, which had a balcony overlooking the other two old-timers. He then took out his hunting rifle, pointed it downward, and fired off two rounds at his crusty buddies. With accuracy that Charles Whitman would've envied, he killed one outright and wounded the other, sending him on what will likely be a one-way ticket to the emergency room.
Wilfred Brimley, Hume Cronyn, and another guy in the 1985 film Cocoon, proving old people don't have to shoot each other with rifles to have a good time.
Although the pensioned perp was senile and drunk when the cops arrived on the scene, he was reasonable enough to lay down his weapon and give up quietly.
If you think contract hits are a thing of the past in Putin's Russia, tell that to a United Russia deputy from the Krasnodar region. He was found dead in his BMW with a lone bullet stuck deep in his brain, his car just sitting on the side of a lone highway. When he wasn't politicking, the selfless 50-year-old Evgeny Perepelitsa was the director of a youth sports school. Apparently, his role at the school and United Russia allowed him to live quite a comfortable lifestyle, all the while giving back to the community. It's hard to say whether this was a hitchhiking incident gone wrong, or something related to his professional activities, as no murder weapon or any other kind of evidence has been found. But authorities aren't ruling out that maybe, just maybe, this was a contract hit.
We were about to alert the Anti-Defamation League about this anti-Semitic hate crime, but then our collective Jew-Dar sensed something was not quite right. Even if Yuri Naumenko held both Russian and Israeli passports, Naumenko sounds a bit too Ukrainian for our liking. We're guessing he slipped into the Holy Land with a Nuremburg exemption.
Last Thursday, Yuri returned home with his wife a little after midnight. As she was unlocking the door to their 14th-floor apartment on Dubninskaya ulitsa, a killer emerged from the podyezd's shadows and opened fire. The gun had a silencer, so the neighbors didn't hear a thing. Clearly, the guy was a professional and had carefully planned the hit; he managed to escape undetected and even showed mercy to Yuri's wife. When the cops showed up, she was too shocked to describe what the killer looked like.
According to detectives, Yuri was a big-time real estate broker. Like us, they're guessing this was no robbery.
On August 4, at around 12:20 a.m., a domestic dispute broke out in an apartment on Bolshaya Chirkizovskaya ulitsa. While the DP team couldn't determine what, exactly, the wife said to her husband, we do know that he didn't like it. How much did he not like it? Enough to produce a loaded gun and a... live hand grenade! The Russian army-issue grenade, which was probably left over from his service in Chechnya, turned out to be faulty and exploded in his hand as soon as he started waving it around. Both husband and wife survived, but he'll have to make do with no hand and she'll have to use a lot of cheap make-up to cover up all the shrapnel scars. According to RIA Novosti, the police don't think the explosion was related to the match that the Lokomativ football team played that day at the football stadium across the street from the apartment.