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In Brief July 27, 2007
Applebaum Pickpocket Suspect
By Luke Harding Browse author

Applebaum Pickpocket Suspect

LONDON -- British authorities announced a major breakthrough in their investigation into who stole Washington Post columnist Ann Applebaum's wallet from her Moscow hotel room during a recent tragedy-finding mission.

"After careful consideration of all the facts, we believe we know who stole Ms. Applebaum's wallet. What happened was, while Ms. Applebaum was down in the buffet room gorging on beluga caviar, Russian President Vladimir Putin disguised himself with novelty-store fake glasses, big nose and mustache. Then he slipped into her hotel room, and stole her wallet," said British investigator Jeffery Stank. "No one would have suspected that a Jew would do such a thing."

In Applebaum's recent scathing column, "Trickle Down Lawlessness," she condemned Russian President Putin for creating a society so lawless that it allowed her wallet to be stolen from her pricey Western hotel, a crime that Applebaum described as "an inside job."

Little did she know how inside the inside-job really was.

"We believe that the Kremlin stole her wallet in order to send a message to Applebaum," said Stank. "And Putin's message to her read, 'If you come to Moscow and stay in an expensive Western hotel while looking for signs of Russia's decline, we will find your wallet. No matter which expensive Western hotel you stay at in Moscow, we can steal your wallet, run outside, go into a dark alley, open your wallet up, and find out if you're the type who keeps an expired condom in your wallet," said Stank. "Clearly, the Kremlin is operating outside the bounds of civilized behavior."

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

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Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

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Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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