And that's exactly what we're doing. This issue, and from here on out, we're cutting our ties to our past by hacking off our spiritual clitorises. Truth is, we didn't even know we had clitorises in our brains until now. Once we found out they were there, we wanted them out asap. We're preparing for Things at The eXile, and so long as we have these clits in our heads, our plans for accomplishing a global media onslaught will never get past the first 3,000 ruble door-to-door whore (+1,000 for anal).
You might think we're sick for wanting to cut out our clits. But that's just because you're a cultural imperialist Westerner, as the same article on genitalia mutilation noted:
"Westerners have difficulty rationalizing the operation because it is indeed a ritualistic one reflecting expectations of a 'foreign' culture. Therefore, many Senegalians and Gambians demand that Westerners mind their own business. 'Shut up, or get out!' they exclaim." This pretty much sums up our attitude towards our readers over the past decade. And now, it's only going to get worse.
People Whose Lives We Changed Forever
1.MICHAEL WINES, former New York Times bureau chief in Moscow. In March, 2001, we baked a pie filled with real horse sperm purchased from a stud farm in pod-moskovie, and threw it in Michael Wines's face as his booby prize for winning our "Worst Foreign Correspondent" tournament. Wines left Russia not long afterwards; reliable sources say that he suffered a breakdown and went on antidepressants, and that his colleagues are still looking for payback.
2.MICHAEL BASS. In 1997, we published a book excerpt in which a model accused then-Mr. Expat Michael Bass of kidnapping and pimping her to an Arab sheik. A year later, we published his full criminal history. A few years ago, he changed his name to "Edward Bass" in order to avoid Google-search fallout. Last year, "Edward Bass" was the producer of the Emilio-Estevez-directed movie Bobby, which won critics' praise.
3.MISHA, former "art director" of Shambala. In 2003, we punked the art director of Moscow's most espousing nightclub into not only clearing out the VIP zone for our student-intern, but also into kissing our intern's hand at the entrance - in front of our cameramen. Result: No more Misha Feis Kontrol.
4.ANDREW PAULSON, publisher of Afisha and Bolshoi Gorod. In 1997, we published an expose on Paulson's first attempt at a Russian Time Out, called "Vechernaya Moskva." Paulson later told Ames that his article sank his project. But Paulson returned, is now one of the country's most successful publishers, and recently came close (and might yet succeed if the money's good) to hiring Ames to write for his new American magazine, Russia!
5.JEAN MACKENZIE, former Moscow Times columnist/editor. No one personified everything about why we left America than the pious, fat-ankled, patronizing middlebrow Jean MacKenzie. She breathed life into the moribund fat-joke genre, which we exploited until she finally fled for Norway to marry a businessman who eventually dumped her.
6.MICHAEL MCFAUL, Stanford professor. We outed McFaul, a major player in America's "pro-reformist/pro-democracy" game in the Yeltsin years, as the bastard who tried to have our articles banned from the Johnson's Russia List site, and kept after him ever since. After an eXile article calling for McFaul's arrest, sources say he became worried about visiting Russia. In the early Bush years, he rebranded himself as a neocon militarist, but lately, he's been pretty quiet.