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Club Review June 15, 2007
 
All Ark And No Bite
By Hannah Katz Browse author
 
 

Question: What's cavernous, dripping with white stalagmites, dull as a butter knife, and gay but doesn't know it?

Answer: Club Arka!

I'm still kicking myself for picking to review this faceless new club in Kitai Gorod over the new Industrial factory club way north of the ring. As for Arka, I need to get this out of the way: You give off seriously gay vibes. Maybe you don't mean to, but you do. Like, cowboys and cops in jogging shorts and lip-gloss gay vibes. Not that there's anything wrong with loud and proud, of course - regular readers know a rainbow pirate flag sometimes flies at Katz HQ - but if you're going for a more mixed elitny crowd - and you obviously are - you might want to disperse the packs of hustler boy toys lounging around the entrance. Either that, or change your name to Ram-Rod. Actually, you should do that anyway. Moscow needs a Ram-Rod! Or a Man-Hole. Your call.

I'm not the only one who thought Arka was a gay bar. When Katya and Janice finally showed up, they explained that they were late because they walked by it not once - but twice! Why did they walk by it? Because the gay pride parade on the front steps convinced them that they couldn't possibly have the right place. Finally they asked if it was Arka, got some rude looks, and went downstairs, where I was already on my third drink and tapping a foot to the house beats in boredom.

If only the inside of Arka was as gay as the outside, we might have had some fun. But all the hustler-looking hotties kept to themselves in a little Face Control pack upstairs, leaving a less than interesting crowd sprinkled throughout the cavernous Arka. The space itself is nothing special, at best. The basement tunnel system thing always has potential, but they haven't figured out how to use it. Wicker chairs and bad wall art? And the dance floor is too well lit. I'll dance anywhere, but I wasn't feeling it here at all, even with some old Ministry of Sound house jockeys behind the wheels.

To be honest, we didn't hang out very long. For all I know the place went up in royal flames by 4 a.m. But Erik the Viking showed up with a bad attitude and made it very clear to Janice that he didn't want to hang out very long. They started bickering and the next thing I know Katya and I are outside smoking and rolling our eyes, listening to Erik and Janice try to figure out there problems and come up with a plan B.

They ended up going to try their luck at Krysha. Katya and I thought about going to check out nearby Propaganda because it was close to home and we weren't up for staying out much longer. But we said fuck it and went back to my place, got high, giggled, and crashed under my rainbow pirate flag. And if you're wondering, the answer is No. I haven't talked to Mike in weeks.

Arka

Address: TK

Metro: Kitai Gorod

Tel: 698-3317

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