This week's column is a PSA for all you overpaid, leach-like American I-bankers who are pulling down six-figure bonuses sucking Russia's swollen teat. You know who you are. If didn't understand what the beef was about when I called RAI "Heaven" instead of "Paradise" because you don't speak a word of Russian, I'm talking about you.
The fact is, you'll never know if it's Heaven or Paradise if you don't read this article, because you'll be stuck outside with all the other zeros who thought that they'd get by face control just because they wore pointy shoes and an Armani shirt.
I myself am more of a dominatrix, so I never even tried to beg my way in to the flavor-of-the-month club with my handy eXile biz card. I don't tolerate being publicly humiliated. But when Mike called me and told me he'd reserved a table for 3G (I'm not talking rubles!) last week, I knew it was my chance to get in thru the back door. Or should I say the VIP door?
That's right, for a mere three grand, he called up Andreas and reserved a table with almost bottomless drinks. They've even got a separate entrance complete with free bar and discrete toilets for their VIPs. Better yet, you don't need to do the whole designer clothes act. I got in wearing jeans and an ironic Twisted Sister t-shirt! Plus, they give you a secret code word (ours was Titan) to use at the VIP door, so I could get all my girlfriends thru no questions asked.
The club itself is unbelievable. It's got the usual super-sexy go-go dancers and models everywhere, but they've finally gotten away from the whole minimalist look and spent serious $$ decking the place out with half-naked kama sutra sculptures. I hear it can be a bitch to get a drink at the bar, but we didn't have that problem from Mike's table.
The only weird thing was, I don't really know why Mike wanted me there. When I came and saw the VIP bathrooms, I figured I knew where we'd be spending most of the night. But when I found him at the table, some model slut was all over him. He told me that she came with the table, but he had to pay extra. That wouldn't have even bothered me, but she got all rigid when I tried a little girl-on-girl. I wasn't even really horny because I was on the rag, but I thought I'd give it a shot because I know how much Mike's into it.
Obviously, Mike was looking to show off to the dudes he was with. That's why he had the table and the slut. He probably also wanted to show me that he was taking my whole "non-monogamy" talk seriously. He even made a big deal of leaving with her early, just to make sure I saw. Real mature! But whatever. It gave me a chance to check out Rai and drink for free, and I know he'll come crawling back.
And now that I know the secret of how to get in. All it takes is an overpaid I-banker with a small-penis complex.
Bolotnaya Nab. 9a