I had spent all week bouncing from Too Drunk to Fuck - or Tundra, as the weaklings call it - and Krisha. I've had enough of that elite dancing crap, but still wanted to review something elitny for this column. The problem was that I didn't have a clue about any new places. And after the incident of me slipping and falling right there on the bar of TDTF while I was trying to strip, I was embarrassed. Yes, embarrassed. I didn't want to call my Russian clubber friends and have them recall the incident for me in all its gory details. About how my right leg went over one side of the bar and my left leg over the other, and how all the drinks I spilled over a group of chicks sitting right there. It was a freaking disaster, a faux pas to the extreme! I was happy to let alcohol take care of erasing that memory, thank you.
Anyway, I know you're going to trash me for this, but, yes, I stooped low and looked to that piece-of-crap-paper Element for ideas. And this is what they gave me: DENIS SIMACHYOV BOUTIQUE AND BAR located on Stoleshnikov Pereulok, the ridiculously pretentious street with the most expensive boutiques in Moscow. You know, the type that only rich, depressed and sexless 50-year-old wives shop at in the West. But not in Moscow. Here even 16-year-old sluts with the right sponsor get decked out in Burberry and other equally boring designers.
And that's what Simachyov is. He's a designer, one of the young ones and part of the zolotaya molodyozh. Element says he's taken seriously in the West. Yeah right. I don't really know much about this Simachyov. But after seeing his "creation" - a quirky lounge/bar on the ground floor and a boutique peddling his fashion wares up on top - I seriously doubt it.
To tell you the truth, dear reader, I don't even want to get into the description of this place. It easily the most repulsive bar I've been to in Moscow. I was traumatized. And you know I can handle my shit. So if I'm saying this, then you know it's gotta be bad. But I'll try.
To start, I came in with a couple of girlfriends and their men. When I saw the men that my friends brought, I knew we were going to have trouble getting in. I don't want to piss you off Olya, but you gotta keep your sub par boytoys at home where they belong. Anyway, after a bit of a scuffle with the face control, we finally were allowed inside after I flashed them my eXile press pass.
It was past midnight and the place was half-empty, but that still didn't mean that there were places to sit. Other than a few private booths and a couple of chairs, the layout was overly designed. Nothing fit together, in a way that was purposefully trying to make you uncomfortable. And that's exactly what everyone was. A quick scan around the room showed that no one was having a good time. A few dolled-up chicks were gloomily smoking and staring off into space, just waiting for someone to notice them. They resembled 70-year-old old ladies drinking away their last years in some shitty down-and-out dive bar.
The atmosphere was stifling me with depression. I needed a drink bad! But it took them 10 minutes to poor my $8 pint of Harp and 20 minutes to get change! I was so pissed off I decided get a stogie. Myself, I hate stogies. But I knew that puffing on it in that place was going to annoy the shit out of everyone there. But I couldn't even get that satisfaction. With all their eliteness, the place couldn't stock fresh cigars. Even I could tell - they were old, crusty and flaky. I had to pass. It took me exactly two minutes to finish my drink. In that span of time, not a single person in the place flashed a smile.
We left. And that's that. I say this again: Simachyov was easily the worst club I've been to in Moscow. I'm not exaggerating.
I'll say one good thing about this place though, their beers are insanely expensive, but their liquor is relatively cheap. A shot of Jack only costs 150 rubles and for an elite Moscow zavidenie, that ain't bad at all. Oh, one more thing. Their food seems to be affordable. But it's not that I could try it, their all day breakfast isn't served past 10pm, when their kitchen closes.
Address: Stoleshnikov Pereulok, 12
M: Pushkinskaya, Teatralnaya