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Club Review April 6, 2007
 
Just Like Heaven
By Hannah Katz Browse author
 
 

Who knew so many elitny clubbing jerk-offs were Katz readers? And Katzophiles? I've been catching hell from nouveau-glam locals who are apparently concerned about this new super-club where rich 18 year-olds just back from London wear ascots and satin ties -- repeat, wear ascots and satin ties. These haters tell me RAI means "Paradise," and I -- OMFG! -- translated it as "Heaven" last issue. Stop the presses, right? Hey, I know -- let's all gather around a big lab table and place a single one of my pubes in the middle of it! Then, let's watch a bunch of ascot wearing eXholes attempt to splice my pube into...two pubes! If they can do it, I'll translate Rai as Paradise and not Heaven from now on! K?

Not that I care, but I got some back up on this one. Whoever runs that Moscow Doesn't Believe In Tears clubbing blog ALSO translates it as Heaven, and he's actually been there and knows the owner and shit. So I'm thinking now we can drop this whole matter and get down to the important stuff, like the end of my relationship with Mike. Yeah, it's over. Done-diddy-done. We had some fun, he created some kicks where there were none before. But the rollercoaster ride is over and I'm pulling out of Putz's parking lot and driving full speed back to the other side of the gender divide, back to my lovely dyevs. They miss me, ya know. (I'm sure you're reading this Mike, and no I don't want to talk and no you aren't getting the Doctor Who DVDs back. You blew it baby. Enjoy L.A.)

And that's that. I'm not going into any details, and no, there was no hot break-up sex, so don't ask Katz. I've wasted enough column inches on that little chapter of my neverending autobiographical chick novel, so I'm going back to writing about REAL things, like music and clubs and chicks, or I might get my publishing privileges taken away. And a girl needs an outlet or she starts to go a leetle insane.

Speaking of outlets, who is this masked mystery dude behind Moscow Doesn't Believe in Tears? He seems to have Jedi skills getting past Third Reich Face Control, and takes places like Rai just seriously enough to make me think he's a douchebag, but fuck it I'm intrigued. Why the anonymity, Tears boy? Or are you a girl? In which case, drop me a line through the mail bag. Now that I'm free again, I just might let you let me show you a good time. As they say on craigslist back home, "I'm cute, You be too."

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FROM THE VAULT

That 90s Sham : 90 Reasons to Hate the 90s

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