Kremlin Accuses Berezovsky
MOSCOW (element) - The Kremlin yesterday blamed the recent cold snap, which has seen Moscow's temperatures plunge to more than 25 degrees below zero, on exiled oligarch Boris Berezovsky.
According to top officials, Berezovsky spent hundreds of millions of dollars to shift Russia's latitude nearly 40 degrees northward in an attempt to "destabilize" Russia.
"You must ask yourselves, who does this bad weather benefit?" Kremlin spokesman Dmitri Peskov said to reporters yesterday. "Certainly these monotonous gray skies and endless winters do not benefit President Vladimir Vladimirovich. No, the current shitty weather only benefits the enemies of Russia, and for this reason, it is only logical that Boris Berezovsky is responsible for the cold and the ice."
Peskov reminded journalists that Russians are a warm-climate people, which is why they always vacation in southern hotspots like Egypt and Thailand.
"During Soviet times we Russians lived in one of the most temperate climates on earth, on a latitude no less southern than Hurgada's," said Peskov. "But now, thanks to Berezovsky, Russia has shifted so far north that we are all suffering. This man will stop at nothing to rule over Russia."
Editor Fingers Berezovsky
MOSCOW (Go!) - Exile editor Mark accused exiled oligarch Boris Berezovsky of masterminding a weekend-long bout with erectile dysfunction, accusing the outspoken businessman of attempting to "destabilize" his relationship.
In a statement released to his girlfriend last weekend, Ames charged, "You must ask yourself, in whose interests is it for me not to achieve erection over the entire weekend? Not mine, and certainly not Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin's. No, the only person who benefits is Berezovsky, who has been trying to destabilize our relationship since Day One."
Kiosk Saleswoman Indicts Dissident
MOSCOW (El Ruso Latino) - A kiosk worker yesterday blamed her lack of change and 10-ruble notes on exiled oligarch Boris Berezovsky.
Maria Spiridonova, 36, told Russian state television that the reason why she could not break a 100-ruble note on a 65 ruble purchase, thereby sending her customer away, was because Berezovsky was involved in a large-scale operation to hoard the nation's 10-ruble notes, thereby "destabilizing" Russia.
"Berezovsky is a very sly man," said Spiridonova. "If it wasn't for him, Russia would be awash in change, more change than any country in the world? But as it is, we Russian kiosk-sellers will simply have to survive, one purchase-refusal at a time."