Yeah, I know this restaurant review makes two Hannah Katz articles in one issue of the eXile. Are you guys lucky or what?
The reason I'm reviewing the restaurant this issue is because I found some place totally special, and I just have to tell the world about it. Sounds romantic? It is. The restaurant is called MULAT TOMAS, and I'm telling you, I've never been in a restaurant/cafe/whatever in my life that oozes so much SEX as this place. I'm talking interior design straight out of The Story of O. Velvet seating, erotic drapes hanging over the velvet booths, huge vaginal lampshades overhead, stool seating done up like flower pods. Seriously, I was dripping wet the minute I stepped in.
Mulat Tomas means "The Mulatto Thomas," which, given all the race problems here would normally make me nervous. But it's not like that. Russia owes a lot to mulattoes, especially one by the name of Alexander Pushkin.
Now you probably won't believe it, but I actually went with a mulatto date to Mulato Tomas. His name is Andrei, he's this hot, beefy half-Senegalese, half-French dude who works for a big flower importer. I met Andrei at Cabana about two months ago, and never followed up on it. Don't say it's because I'm prejudiced or something -- weak, dude. Truth is, Andrei's an awesome dancer and a total charmer.
So anyway, the restaurant seduces not just the eyes, but also the tongue. The menu isn't one of those lame-assed "Italian-Sushi-Evro-Russian" encyclopedias. It's as a menu should be: simple, a bit eclectic, and reasonably priced.
For the starter, we shared a "Rocket Lettuce Salad with Warm Tiger Shrimps, Orange Oil and Parmesan" (299r), a large, fresh, delicious, and light offering. We ate the salad with a mixed serving of Pirozhki -- meat, mushroom and cabbage, all for the low price of 149r. I'll be honest, I haven't eaten pirozhki in a long time, but these rocked. Warm, fresh, not at all greasy. Perfect appetizer.
Next up was Borsch (130r), my old favorite, and Andrei's too. (I should note that Andrei forgot to bring his cash, which meant we had to share our dishes cuz the eXile doesn't pay me shit.)
Finally we passed up a nice selection of meats, poultry and rabbit to go for the fish. Specifically, "Red Mullet With Cucumber Noodles and Red Pepper Sauce" (370r). From what I hear this was Brezhnev's favorite dish, and from what I know, it's one of Andrei's still-favorites. The mullet were smallish and a little too bony for my tastes -- I'm going for the duck or salmon next time.
After we ate, Andrei had the waiter lower our drapes. What happened next I don't really want to get into, because I know that blacks have been traumatized by racism and aren't exactly responsible for everything they do to us. In fact I blame myself. I led him on, and in his eyes, I was probably just using him.
Still I'm not going to let a little unpleasantness ruin a great meal. Mulat Tomas is open 24 hours, and it's a perfect place to bring your date. Just be careful who that date is.
Ul. Bolshaya Dmitrovka d.17
Open: 24 hours