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Restaurant Review December 15, 2006
Jungle Fever
By Hannah Katz Browse author

Yeah, I know this restaurant review makes two Hannah Katz articles in one issue of the eXile. Are you guys lucky or what?

The reason I'm reviewing the restaurant this issue is because I found some place totally special, and I just have to tell the world about it. Sounds romantic? It is. The restaurant is called MULAT TOMAS, and I'm telling you, I've never been in a restaurant/cafe/whatever in my life that oozes so much SEX as this place. I'm talking interior design straight out of The Story of O. Velvet seating, erotic drapes hanging over the velvet booths, huge vaginal lampshades overhead, stool seating done up like flower pods. Seriously, I was dripping wet the minute I stepped in.

Mulat Tomas means "The Mulatto Thomas," which, given all the race problems here would normally make me nervous. But it's not like that. Russia owes a lot to mulattoes, especially one by the name of Alexander Pushkin.

Now you probably won't believe it, but I actually went with a mulatto date to Mulato Tomas. His name is Andrei, he's this hot, beefy half-Senegalese, half-French dude who works for a big flower importer. I met Andrei at Cabana about two months ago, and never followed up on it. Don't say it's because I'm prejudiced or something -- weak, dude. Truth is, Andrei's an awesome dancer and a total charmer.

So anyway, the restaurant seduces not just the eyes, but also the tongue. The menu isn't one of those lame-assed "Italian-Sushi-Evro-Russian" encyclopedias. It's as a menu should be: simple, a bit eclectic, and reasonably priced.

For the starter, we shared a "Rocket Lettuce Salad with Warm Tiger Shrimps, Orange Oil and Parmesan" (299r), a large, fresh, delicious, and light offering. We ate the salad with a mixed serving of Pirozhki -- meat, mushroom and cabbage, all for the low price of 149r. I'll be honest, I haven't eaten pirozhki in a long time, but these rocked. Warm, fresh, not at all greasy. Perfect appetizer.

Next up was Borsch (130r), my old favorite, and Andrei's too. (I should note that Andrei forgot to bring his cash, which meant we had to share our dishes cuz the eXile doesn't pay me shit.)

Finally we passed up a nice selection of meats, poultry and rabbit to go for the fish. Specifically, "Red Mullet With Cucumber Noodles and Red Pepper Sauce" (370r). From what I hear this was Brezhnev's favorite dish, and from what I know, it's one of Andrei's still-favorites. The mullet were smallish and a little too bony for my tastes -- I'm going for the duck or salmon next time.

After we ate, Andrei had the waiter lower our drapes. What happened next I don't really want to get into, because I know that blacks have been traumatized by racism and aren't exactly responsible for everything they do to us. In fact I blame myself. I led him on, and in his eyes, I was probably just using him.

Still I'm not going to let a little unpleasantness ruin a great meal. Mulat Tomas is open 24 hours, and it's a perfect place to bring your date. Just be careful who that date is.

Mulat Tomas

Ul. Bolshaya Dmitrovka d.17


Metro: Pushkinskaya

Open: 24 hours

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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