Mankind's only alternative 31   JUL.   21  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Club Review August 11, 2006
By Hannah Katz Browse author

So I read about the opening party of OPERA, some new club that's supposed to be hanging with Moscow's elitny heavyweights like First and Dyagelev. I read about it because I didn't go. Not because I couldn't, but because I wouldn't. The men I can deal with, it's the thought of sharing a space with all those blyady and their makeup stink that I can't take. I shudder at the sheer thought of it. But the things that revolt us, interest us, as someone once said. So despite all sensory input logic, I had an urge to review the club. Hmmm: What to do, what to do? I was faced with dilemma.

"What do you do when you want to review a club, but don't want to go inside?" I asked myself.

"Well, what you do in that case is you review the club without going inside," I answered.

"What a genius idea! You can judge a place by the people that frequent it," I replied. Keep in mind that I'm still talking to myself. No I'm not crazy. It's just a trick I learned as a kid to make fun of the friends that couldn't keep up with my thoughts.

"You know what's even better?" I asked myself. "We shouldn't just rank the people, we should rank the girls that come in and maybe even award the biggest slut with The Biggest Slut of Opera Award."

"Brilliant idea, Hannah," I replied.

So next weekend, after having a couple of guys come over to Allie's house for a dinner booty call, she and I set out to judge the slut competition. We got there at 2AM and took up a position across the street, but at a slight angle to the entrance. What is it with all those fucking black jeeps? It's like some 4X4 off-roading convention set in a different dimension. The rows of jeep after jeep reminded me of the trips a hick ex-boyfriend of mine used to take me on. The same row of big cars with big tires that just try to cover up the inferiority complex they all have. How transparent. I'm sure I missed a many a good slut because of those fucking cars. I swear I run out of space before I even get started. Ok. A breath. Here goes:

The winner was a pair of girls. We spotted them coming from the about a block away where some Soviet car dropped them off. Allie and I had a blast watching them hobble towards the entrance on their four-inch platforms. I'm not even talking about their dignity, they were barely holding on to their stability. Two or three times, the shorter one with blond hair looked like she was going to snap her ankle. They looked identical. Both were wearing see- through white miniskirts and some sort of white tank-tops. The height and hair color were the only things setting them apart.

So they came up to entrance, but it was obvious that they weren't intending on trying to get past the five feis control guys themselves. They stood about 100 feet away, against the wall, far from about a dozen other girls that were crowding much closer to the entrance also waiting for their random prince to arrive. That was their edge, we figured. They'd catch some guys early before they had a chance a to pick from a bigger selection. And it worked. After forty-five minutes, two fat drunk Caucasian looking guys got out of their BMW and almost walked right passed them. But one of 'em noticed and hollered to his friend to come back. They came up to these girls, looked them up and down. Said something to each other, laughed, and nodded for the girls to follow.

It was impressive. Only two of the girls next to the door got it. They beat the competition not with their sluttiness, but with their brawn. Bravo!

Trekhgorny Val. 6, tel: 205-9822

M. Ulitsa 1905

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Cold War Debate
Devil's Night Debate: Is Russia America's Enemy, Again? : Six Russia watchers battle over how to smash the Putin-o-lantern.
Funeral For A Friend
Band Interview: Funeral For A Friend : Funeral For a Friend
Other Russia: Electoral Vandals :

2002 in Review: Monsters Go Mainstream! :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442