Mankind's only alternative 31   JUL.   21  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Club Review June 16, 2006
Bleacher Bum
By Hannah Katz Browse author

I know I should probably have reviewed Doug's new place BLEACHER'S after its opening party a month ago, but there would have been a couple of problems. Well, one problem: Doug wanted to see if I'm the party grrl everyone says I am. Let's just say a bottle of absinthe later, I'm pretty sure he knows the answer to that.

I'm not sure where I woke up after that party, but it certainly wasn't my place. My roommate was freaking! Forget the walk of shame - this was a whole Metro ride of shame. Somewhere between Bleacher's and this expat guy's cheesy evroremont apartment, I'd blown all my cash. That wasn't all I lost either. The guy was some expat pervert collector or something, because I couldn't even find my underwear in the morning. If you're reading this, Jason, I hope you like sniffing my skidmarks, 'cause you can kiss my ass bye-bye in the figurate sense! Fucker.

Besides, Bleacher's is a sports bar, and so I figured I'd wait 'til the World Cup to give it a real review. Everyone already knows that Doug, Marty and the gang are the Western Experts on How To Throw A Kickass Party:but what about running a sports bar? Is it a big leap? Turns out the first night of the World Cup was also the first day they were given the license to serve booze - as opposed to giving it away, which I preferred - so it was basically the real opening anyways. (Guys, I may be liberated, but that doesn't mean I don't like to be treated to drinks!)

I went with my friend Annie because what's more English than football (that's right American meatheads, I'm using the world word "football" for the word you use for "soccer" because I'm not an ignorant idiot like y'alls)? And she's totally into the game. Seriously.

I think football's pretty cool, too, 'cause it isn't all about testosterone and violence like the American version. These guys are just pure athletes. And they're so cute too! You can sit there checking out the winning team's totally ripped abs at the end of the match. I'll admit, football makes me sooo horny.

Even considering the flabby expat guy factor at the bar, it's got a pretty sweet layout. You'll feel comfortable as hell here, unlike pretentious lame-ass places like 30/7. Where else in Moscow are you going to get free darts? They've got foozeball too, but you got to buy tokens (unless you're a sexy chick like me). They've also done a great job segregating the gambling part of the bar from the sports fan part. Unlike Sportland, I might add. On everything from food and service to number of TVs and the easy-to-conquer-guy-factor, it's got Sportland beat hands-down.

But let's be perfectly honest, the real question about Bleacher's is, are people going to be willing to make the treat all the way out to - gasp - Proletarskaya metro? Don't ask me - I'm not a bourgeois inner-Garden Ring dweller, so no sweat off of my tits. Turns out the place was totally packed until Ecuador buried the second goal at like 1 am, so I guess there's your answer.

You'll recognize all the usual suspects from the Boar House of yore, but with more Russians mixed in. That just means more victims for me. And believe me, I'll be back for more, this time without the underwear. That way I'll be more ready for a bathroom bang, and I won't wake up the next morning all grossed out thinking about some freak pervert smelling my panties.

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Trolleybus Conductor
Field Guide To Moscow: Exactora Minuta :
Get Your Putin On! Comix
Get Your Putin On! :
In Brief
Guardian Correspondent Reveals Reading Disorder :

Get Your Putin On: The Presidential Fitness Test :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442