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Feature Story June 10, 2004
How to Survive the Russian Army
Page 6 of 6
"No matter how hungry you are, never carry bread or other food in your pockets. If they catch you, they'll take you to the canteen and make you eat a huge pot of porridge or mashed potatoes. Then they'll force a huge bottle of kissel [a sweet, gelatinous beverage, almost like a liquid Jell-O] down your throat. Nobody can last the whole bottle. Before half of it's down you, you shit in your pants. After that you stink from every hole for a week. Naturally, once they've done that to you, you're a bitch for the rest of your time.

"Cleanliness is essential. Regular washing, shaving, and haircuts are a must. Your face should always be clean, your collar unstained, your boots polished. Guys who can't take care of themselves fall apart in the Army. First their hands get dirty, then they get fungus on their legs, and they end up with suppurating boils from head to toe, and lice crawling through their hair and their clothes. Guys like this get taught hygiene by the Dyedii. And their fellow soldiers join in too. Slobs aren't even allowed to eat at the table with the others. They belong on the trash pile.

"When you're assigned duties, learn them carefully, but never show off. It's just another way of attracting the Dyedii's attention, and you want to avoid that. Just try to be no worse than the others."

Several interviewees mentioned the way their Army training stayed with them after they were discharged:

"After completing my service I came back a total asshole, even though I was sure I was a real macho man. For six months, I beat up citizens on public transport for misbehaving. I did this almost every day and nobody could do a thing about it. After a while I calmed down."

"Where do the Dyedii come from? They're not brought in ready-made; they grow from those intimidated Dukhii who are tormented into zombie-like numbness, then harden into tormentors themselves. The first few months they cry to their mamas, then they make others cry."

Soldiers' letters home offer a vivid look at the boys who undergo this process. Here are some excerpts detailing the sheer misery of Russian army life.

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Indie Horror Comes To Russia :
Luke Harding
The Guardian Apologizes For Plagiarizing The eXile : Luke Harding Gets Nuked!

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The Messiah Is Mobile : Jesus called, and he wants his old number back


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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