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The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story December 25, 2003
 
What a Laugh!
The eXile Looks Back on 2003, The Funniest Year Yet!
 
Page 9 of 17
 
The Joke: eXile editor Ames considered saving an 18-year-old Ukrainian whore named Alla. Then, as Ash would say, "something evil got into her vagina and it went bad." Ames decided not to save Alla, and besides, Alla seemed more comfortable having a melodramatic sado-masochistic relationship with her pimp-lover.

Sad Clown factor: If Alla's vagina could rot that much in the space of just four weeks, imagine what it's like now. O the humanity!

Side-Split Factor: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

24. Russian Pop

The Joke: The deep and vast Russian soul has produced some of the worst and most soulless music in the world. Russian Pop hit a new low, a Marianas Trench of taste, in 2003, with hits like "I Want A Taxi," "I Want A Man Like Putin," and hundreds of other songs laying out the deepest longings of Russia's dyevs. In case the lyrics didn't make it clear, there were videos like the one in which a dyev is blindfolded, dragged into a limo, and brought to a mansion, where she is forced -- forced, y'see -- to dance with a handsome tycoon who then vanishes, leaving her in sole possession of the mansion. Meanwhile, the boy bands were dressing up in Army uniforms to sing, "I'm Your Soldier," the video for which was like an Army commercial done by the Village People.

Bonus joke: Russian show-biz TV is the biggest gay-friendly zone in the world media -- and is enthusiastically watched by 100 million deeply homophobic viewers. When Russian viewers watch fey, androgynous youths arm-in-arm singing, "I'm your soldier," they think they're seeing patriotism.

Sad Clown factor: You'll find yourself humming one of these things, and then you'll have to kill yourself.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

25. Patriot Act II

The Joke: The first Patriot Act following 9/11 was the single funniest assault on America's civil liberties since the Civil War. Now comes the hilarious sequel, the Patriot Act II, which among other things allows the state to revoke the citizenship of any American found to have provided material support to what is deemed a "terrorist organization," even if that designation is retroactively applied; suspension of habeas corpus or instant deportation without charge for legal permanent residents suspected of being a threat to national security; the building of a mammoth DNA database of citizens even suspected of wrongdoing; wiretapping without court order; secret arrests... wait, sorry, we gotta wipe our eyes, we're laughing so hard. Okay, okay. Here's a few more: businesses that rat on their customers to the Feds would be granted immunity; American citizens can be subjected to surveillance by the Feds on behalf of foreign governments, even dictatorships. As stand-up comedian John Ashcroft would say, "You can't stop me! I'm on fire!"

Sad Clown factor: The Patriot Act 2 hasn't yet been made law, meaning that we all might be killed by terrorists at any moment.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

26. SPS High


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FROM THE VAULT
Al Dilbert
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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
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We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

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