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Feature Story December 25, 2003
 
What a Laugh!
The eXile Looks Back on 2003, The Funniest Year Yet!
 
Page 2 of 17
 
The Joke: Homeland Security dork Tom Ridge, running around scaring America about the Al Qaeda threat, is a brilliant slapstick cross between Don Knotts in The Ghost and Mr. Chicken and Tweety Bird: "I t'ought I saw a fweedom-hating waghead...I DID! I DID saw a fweedom-hating waghead!" In September, Tweety Ridge "tightened" up the color coding for imminent terror threats. And just as quickly issued a fresh X-Mas threat to scare the shit out of everyone. But like Mr. Chicken, will anyone listen to him anymore? Hold onto your sides, folks, cuz we'll soon find out!

Sad Clown factor: The events of 9/11 just weren't funny at all.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

4. Zhirinovski's "brawl"

The Joke: In a televised debate between Zhirinovsky's LDPR and Rodina, Vladimir Volfovich stomped over to his opponent and threatened him. To Zhirik's surprise, the weedy, bespectacled Rodina candidate squared off in classic boxing stance circa 1890. That was funny; but Zhirik topped that gag by walking rapidly away, while motioning two LDPR henchmen to take his place.

Sad Clown factor: Igor Shandybin, the bald KPRF stooge who leapt to Zhirinovsky's defense, lost his seat in the recent elections. It's too bad. We'll never again see him kicked around by deputies half his size in those Duma-floor drunken brawls.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

5. Miami Police Riot

The Joke: Dade County police, dipping into anti-terrorist Patriot Act funds in order to beef up their anti-protest arsenal, invited law enforcement officials from around the United States to watch them deal with the anti-globalization hippie menace. On November 20th, about 10,000 protestors marching against the FTAA free trade agreement came up against 2,500 police in full black body armor and gas masks, banging batons against their shields, backed by spankin' new armored personal carriers and helicopters. Amnesty International reported indiscriminate firing into crowds of peaceful protestors, excessive use of rubber bullets, stun guns, stun grenades, bean bag guns, pepper spray, tear gas and other chemical weapons. Knee-slapping moments include protestors shot in the back trying to flee, police targeting of legal observers and street doctors, hundreds jailed and wounded, dozens of beatings and rapes in Dade County jail, and one guy, holding his fingers in a peace sign in front of the cops, getting shot multiple times with skin-piercing rubber bullets, including once in the stomach at point blank range. Ho-ho-ho! Nationwide law enforcement officials now refer positively to November 20th as "The Miami Model." We just call it "Police Academy 6."

Sad Clown factor: Large papier-mache puppets of George Bush and Richard Cheney somehow failed to bring about a People's Victory.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

6. Congo Discount


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