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The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

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Feature Story December 25, 2003
 
What a Laugh!
The eXile Looks Back on 2003, The Funniest Year Yet!
 
Page 11 of 17
 
Bonus joke: Berlusconi said he had apologized, and then changed his mind and announced he hadn't, causing thousands of blood vessels to pop in heads all over Germany.

Sad Clown factor: No lasting effect, as Europe remains as serious and dull as ever.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

30. Rush Limbaugh

The Joke: 2003 was the year we learned that Rush Limbaugh was in the closet over more than just his sexuality. Turns out -- hee-hee-hee! -- he's a junkie, to the tune of 35,000 prescription opiates consumed over 10 years, putting him on a level that no eXhole has ever dreamed of. And all the while he preached sending white cry-baby drug fiends "up the river" for illegal drug use. This kind of ironic comic come-uppance is the stuff of a Danny DeVito flick! It also might explain one of his funniest statements of the year, denouncing Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb as a kind of affirmative action token. McNabb was subsequently voted into the 2004 Pro Bowl for his first time ever. Now that's funny, Rush, you junkie fool you!

Sad Clown factor: When Limbaugh checked into a clinic for rich white junkies, he issued a press release in which he whined, "Over the past several years I have tried to break my dependence on pain pills and, in fact, twice checked myself into medical facilities in an attempt to do so [...] I ask now for your prayers." Boo-hoo-hoo... Lena! Another hanky! Wait, make that two!

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

31. William Bennett

The Joke: Did ironic comic-come-uppance movie genius Danny DeVito direct two Oscar-shoe-in flicks this year? How else to explain the William Bennett farce, in which the rightwing crusader, former drug czar and author of The Book of Virtue and The Moral Compass, admitted to having one of the world's most egregious gambling addictions. How bad? Over the last decade, he is known to have lost $8 million dollars at the tables. H'm. How'd he pay for that? Betcha he wasn't always on his knees just for Jesus. Wait, we made a funny! Hoo-hoo-hoo!

Sad Clown factor: The man who once sent hundreds of thousands of Americans to jail for drug possession whined, "It is true that I have gambled large sums of money.... I have done too much gambling, and this is not an example I wish to set. Therefore, my gambling days are over." We could go on, but we're verklempt.

Side-Split Score: Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown Sad Clown

32. We're Your Armed Friends

The Joke: Nobody hates cops the way Russians do. Everybody, even respectable middleclass types, shares the view that the Militsiya are lazy, brutal, corrupt thugs. So Russians laughed themselves into a coma when they found out that this year, their despised cops had hired not one but two Western PR firms to give them a new, more positive image. The agencies came up with some hilarious slogans, such as "We have arms. You have peace of mind." The best part is imagining an actual Russian trash going up to an actual Russian pedestrian and saying it: "We have arms. You have peace of mind." In Russia, that translates to: "Pay me or I'll beat you to death." Come to think of it, maybe that's the way the Militsiya wants people to take it. It could be a serious bribe-earner for them, all thanks to the good folks at McCann-Ericson. Hey, are Americans teaching Russians how to be civilized or what?!


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LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

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