Mankind's only alternative 19   MAY.   22  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Sports Section October 28, 2003
Schavio's SportzStakes!

The eXile is proud to introduce its new NFL sports analyst and gambling guru, Terry Schavio. A couple of weeks ago, it looked like they were going to pull the plug on the comatose 39-year-old woman's career - literally. But then by the grace of God, Florida Governor Jeb Bush ordered her back on the feeding tube, which is good news for those of you out there hooked into the feeding tube of NFL football! Schavio may not like to get kissed on the cheek by her father - but she sure as hell likes a good pigskin matchup.

Here's how it works. Bob Schindler, Schavio's loyal father, hooked her up to a webcam, what we call the "ComaCam," eager to prove to the world that his daughter is not a vegetable but rather that she's aware, alive and recovering. We believe you, Bob! For our part, we read out the week's best matchups for the upcoming week, then asked Schavio who she thinks will win. Word on the street is that Schavio can affect the Vegas lines by two points plus-or-minus or more just with a single glassy-eyed grunt. But enough of our yackin'... Take it away, Schavio!

Week 9

Indianapolis at Miami

eXile: Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison may be the best QB-WR duo in football, but with the Dolphins' defense and home field advantage, can the Dolphins stop the Colts?

Schavio: Uh-uh.

Schindler: That means "no." My daughter goes "uh-uh," that means "no."

Pick: Indianapolis

St. Louis at San Francisco

eXile: Two teams that don't do too well on the road. Should be an offensive duel with Marc Bulger having a banner year and the ever-explosive Terrell Owens threat. Can St. Louis take the '9ers on the road, where they've had their worst luck?

Schavio: Uh-uh.

Pick: San Francisco

New Orleans at Tampa Bay

eXile: Tampa Bay is much better than its record shows, but New Orleans is one of those teams that's so hot and cold that betting either way on them is as risky as betting on a Balkan War, especially with Deuce McAllister threatening from the backfield. Will New Orleans pull off another surprise in the battle of the swamps?

Schavio: [...]

Schindler: Hold on, I think she's trying to...Honey, did you hear? Honey, hi, it's me, daddy. It's me, honey. Would you like me to give you a better feeding tube?

Schavio: Uh-uh.

Schindler: Honey, don't worry. I'll save you from the people who want to take you off your feeding tube.

Schavio: Uh-uh.

Schindler: Come on, Terry, honey, you don't really mean that.

eXile: Mr. Schindler, will your daughter answer the question, please?

Schavio: Uh-uh.

Schindler: Ask it again, quick!

eXile: Will New Orlea-

Schavio: Uh-uh.

Schindler: She answered! You heard it! That's "no" to New Orleans!

Pick: Tampa Bay

New York Giants at New York Jets

eXile: Wow, this is the biggie, the Battle of New York. A lowly battle, but the sort of cross-town rivalry that always brings out the best and worst, which in these teams' cases isn't a lot. The Giants can't seem to hold onto the ball, while the Jets are pretending that they still have a chance, especially now they have Chad Pennington back. With a nominal "homefield" advantage, it looks like a Jets victory to us. Would you agree with us on that, Ms. Schavio?

Schavio: (Blows bubble of saliva)

eXile: Uh, what does that mean?

Schavio: (Blows more saliva)

Schindler: (nervously) Oh, that's just, she means "yes." She's done that ever since she was a little girl. It's, uh, perfectly normal.

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit

Your Letters :

Kosovo Madness: Get Me Outta Here! :
Let The Market Save Darfur : Guest Editorial By Ron Paul

Separated At Bug-eye? :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

War Nerd Summer Reading Guide
The War Nerd By Gary Brecher
It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best thing you can do is get as far out of it as you can.


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442