The eXile is proud to introduce its new NFL sports analyst and gambling guru, Terry Schavio. A couple of weeks ago, it looked like they were going to pull the plug on the comatose 39-year-old woman's career - literally. But then by the grace of God, Florida Governor Jeb Bush ordered her back on the feeding tube, which is good news for those of you out there hooked into the feeding tube of NFL football! Schavio may not like to get kissed on the cheek by her father - but she sure as hell likes a good pigskin matchup.
Here's how it works. Bob Schindler, Schavio's loyal father, hooked her up to a webcam, what we call the "ComaCam," eager to prove to the world that his daughter is not a vegetable but rather that she's aware, alive and recovering. We believe you, Bob! For our part, we read out the week's best matchups for the upcoming week, then asked Schavio who she thinks will win. Word on the street is that Schavio can affect the Vegas lines by two points plus-or-minus or more just with a single glassy-eyed grunt. But enough of our yackin'... Take it away, Schavio!
Indianapolis at Miami
eXile: Peyton Manning and Marvin Harrison may be the best QB-WR duo in football, but with the Dolphins' defense and home field advantage, can the Dolphins stop the Colts?
Schindler: That means "no." My daughter goes "uh-uh," that means "no."
St. Louis at San Francisco
eXile: Two teams that don't do too well on the road. Should be an offensive duel with Marc Bulger having a banner year and the ever-explosive Terrell Owens threat. Can St. Louis take the '9ers on the road, where they've had their worst luck?
Pick: San Francisco
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
eXile: Tampa Bay is much better than its record shows, but New Orleans is one of those teams that's so hot and cold that betting either way on them is as risky as betting on a Balkan War, especially with Deuce McAllister threatening from the backfield. Will New Orleans pull off another surprise in the battle of the swamps?
Schindler: Hold on, I think she's trying to...Honey, did you hear? Honey, hi, it's me, daddy. It's me, honey. Would you like me to give you a better feeding tube?
Schindler: Honey, don't worry. I'll save you from the people who want to take you off your feeding tube.
Schindler: Come on, Terry, honey, you don't really mean that.
eXile: Mr. Schindler, will your daughter answer the question, please?
Schindler: Ask it again, quick!
eXile: Will New Orlea-
Schindler: She answered! You heard it! That's "no" to New Orleans!
Pick: Tampa Bay
New York Giants at New York Jets
eXile: Wow, this is the biggie, the Battle of New York. A lowly battle, but the sort of cross-town rivalry that always brings out the best and worst, which in these teams' cases isn't a lot. The Giants can't seem to hold onto the ball, while the Jets are pretending that they still have a chance, especially now they have Chad Pennington back. With a nominal "homefield" advantage, it looks like a Jets victory to us. Would you agree with us on that, Ms. Schavio?
Schavio: (Blows bubble of saliva)
eXile: Uh, what does that mean?
Schavio: (Blows more saliva)
Schindler: (nervously) Oh, that's just, she means "yes." She's done that ever since she was a little girl. It's, uh, perfectly normal.