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Feature Story October 28, 2003
Scary Moscow ‘03
Night of the Living Dead Kommissars
Page 4 of 4
Misha, dying, whispers, "She's not my special lady...she's my lady friend...And weren't you supposed to stand by me?"

Preston laughs heartily, slapping his Zombie escort on its bony, rotting shoulder.

Preston: "You said it, my friend. Freedom's nice and all that, but you know what? Stability is what we really need. And thanks to our metabolically-challenged friends here, we've got it. Just business, Misha. Just business."

Misha stares in confusion.

Preston goes on, "Well, the way we see it the living dead are an investment in stability. They're what stability is all about. See, the living, you, have proved to be unreliable. Whereas my friend Iron Feliks here -- " he nods to an especially fearsome, skeletal Zombie in a Chekist cap -- "Feliks is already as dead as he's gonna get. He and his buddies here didn't even want money! Just a steady supply of, well, you know, still-warm human flesh to eat. It works out perfectly. You remember soylent green? That was us. We don't interfere with their human meat consumption, and they let us pump a few billion barrels of oil."

Misha and Ira are both dead before Preston has finished his explanation. Preston shrugs and puts an arm around Iron Feliks's shoulder.

Preston: "Now let's talk numbers, good buddy. We're offering 500 good, healthy Filipina girls, nice'n'juicy, for every hundred tons of crude...."

Iron Feliks: "Fleshhhhh...fleshhhhhh."

Fade to black.

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2006: The Year Russia Schooled The West : Russia's Report Card For The 2006 Academic Year
One Day In The Life of Alina (or 24 Hours in a Kiosk) :

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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