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Feature Story October 28, 2003
 
Scary Moscow ‘03
Night of the Living Dead Kommissars
 
Page 3 of 4
 
Gusinsky: "If the Israelis let me down, there's still Austria. Smolensky's been living like he's the reichsoberfuhrer for years now. They'd sell the Alps if they could." Gusinsky climbs out a window, waving cheerfully and yodeling.

Misha: "Don't do it, Gusinsky! You'll never get away! Better to fight them here!"

Gusinsky: "Yeah, uh-uh. I don't remember you saying that when the first zombies ate my Chief Financial Officer and roasted his bladder over a low fire. I'm not a fighter, I'm Austrian. Maybe, anyway. Unless I'm an Israeli. I'm Austro-Israeli.; Well, good luck, Misha. I mean 'Guten tag,' or 'Shalom,' as the case may be!"

Gusinsky vanishes, screaming: "Help! Anti-Semites are attacking me! Heeeeeelp!!! Helpen Zie!"

In the distance we can hear an Aide: "They were Anti-Semites, Mr. Gusinsky?"

Gusinsky (even fainter): "Well they were threatening to eat my flesh. Are we going to split hairs here, Daniil?"

Aide: "No but..."

Gusinsky: "Am I wrong?..."

CUT BACK to center of the barricaded Snobs. Just then, a door breaks and three Zombie Kommissars manage to squirm into Snobs. Irina screams. Misha beats two of them to death with a packet of positive Western press reports. He picks up a weapon that he's been keeping in his sports duffel bag, the Alexander Vershbow, a high-tech zombie-kommissar zapper, and fires it. But the cartridge is empty.

Misha: "Damn! They said this thing would work!"

Misha throws the Vershbow to the ground and curses it.

Irina: "Wait, Misha. Look, it's Tolya. He's still alive. Oh Tolya, we thought they got you!"

Cut to ANATOLY CHUBAIS, decayed gray flesh hanging down from his chin, a zombie in liberal-imperial Kommissar epaulettes.

Irina: "Tolya! It's you!"

She runs towards the Chubais zombie.

Misha: "Irina, no!"

Chubais: "Guilty...you are guilty...need liberal empire. Fleshhhh."

Irina: "Tolya? Tolya, what's wrong with you? Tolya, let me go! Don't you remember me?"

Chubais (clears throat suddenly, emitting clumps of decayed and half-eaten flesh): "Of course Misha is guilty. Guilty, guilty, guilty. What concerns me is...me."

Irina: "But Tolya, how can you say that? Tolya? Ah!"

Misha pulls Irina away just as Chubais is about to take a bite out of her neck. He pushes the Chubais zombie back through the broken elitny door, and stuffs the Alexander Vershbow into the handles to keep the door secure. Several zombie-kommissars try breaking through the elitny doors, but fail.

Irina: "Nice doors."

Misha: "Yes, importnie."

Irina: "How much do you think they cost, Misha? I would like to get some..."

He and Irina back up as the zombies close in, hitting the barricades with their fists, beating at it...

Act 3

The sun is setting as Misha and Irina hold each other, preparing for the worst. Suddenly Misha cocks his head, listening.

Misha: "Ira, do you hear that?"

Ira looks up hopefully, hearing the ever stronger thump of rotors.

Misha: "That's the sound of a CH-54 heavy-lift helicopter, and if I'm not mistaken..."

He listens carefully.

Misha: "Yes! It's an Exxon/Mobil chopper! I knew they'd keep their word! They're from a stable corporate culture! Their word is their bond! Legal norms actually MEAN something to them! The Americans have come! We're saved!"

Irina hugs her shoes joyously.

The huge chopper can be heard landing just outside the barricaded restaurant. Then comes the sound of bulldozers ramming the barricades.

Ira asks doubtfully, "Misha? Why are they..."

Misha: "Umm...well perhaps they have to, um, demolish the barricades to free us, darling. Yes, that's it!"

The barricade is wrenched aside and a tide of roaring, fanged, rotting zombies charge in, grabbing at Misha and Ira, tearing them limb from limb and devouring their flesh as the two young mortals scream in horror.

As Misha is being eaten alive, he sees an EXXON EXECUTIVE, PRESTON, in an immaculate suit standing among the Zombies, unharmed. The Exxon man smiles broadly, touches his nametag and says, "Hi folks, I'm Preston, Exxon liaison to the PZKR -- you know, the Provisional Zombie Kommissar Republic. I just want you to know everybody at HQ is real, real sorry it couldn't've worked out better for you and your special lady."


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