For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
||May 20, 2003
With today's ultra-low cut jeans as part of daily and evening wear, those snappers have to be groomed, trimmed and waxed more carefully than ever before.
This isn't a laughing matter. Snapper season starts just as this paper hits Moscow's stands, and that means serious snapper grooming for Moscow's dyevushki. Think about it: the pubic hair of hundreds of thousands of dyevs is being shorn, snipped, sheared even as you read this. Where does all that snapper hair go? If all the snapper pubes were piled one on top of the other, would they reach the moon?
In order to investigate the whole phenomenon of snapper grooming, we called local Moscow beauty salons to get to the bottom of the story.
First we went for the Franco-elitny Jacques Dessanges, which caused a big hullabaloo a few years ago when it first appeared, and today has expanded to at least three salons. We called the Jacques Dessanges on Prospekt Mira:
Jacques Dessanges: Good afternoon, this is Jacques Desanges beauty salon, Olga speaking. How can I help you?
- eXile: Yes, good afternoon. I'm interested in information about body waxing [epilatsia].
- Jacques: Yes, go on.
- eXile: How much does it cost? You see I want to give one as a gift to my girlfriend. So I want some information on it.
- Jacques: One minute please. [pause] It'll cost 1020 rubles.
- eXile: 1020?
- Jacques: 1020.
- eXile: Uh-huh. And how much time will it take?
- Jacques: A half hour.
- eXile: A half hour. So tell me, what's the most fashionable type of waxing job? That is, a small stripe, or...
- Jacques: This is something I can't tell you. You need to speak with the specialist about this because we are just the administration and we don't know such details.
- eXile: So can I talk with your specialist in order to, in-advance...
- Jacques: Just a minute. [Covers phone, asks waxing specialist over.]
- Jacques Dessanges Waxing Specialist [business-like woman's voice]: What?
- eXile: Hello?
- Jacques: Yes.
- eXile: Hello, you're the specialist?
- Jacques: Yes. Good afternoon.
- eXile: Good afternoon. I'd like to give my girlfriend a waxing as a gift, right?
- Jacques: Right.
- eXile: It's just that I have some questions before I arrange it. What is the most fashionable type of waxing? That is, a small stripe of hair, or absolutely bald? Or maybe a little picture, or what?
- Jacques: You want to -
- eXile: ...or a triangle, I don't know...
- Jacques: Which zone?
- eXile: Well, in the region of the vagin-
- Jacques: Bikini?
- eXile: Yes! Bikini.
- Jacques: Well, bikini, how can you say what's fashionable. Not exactly bald, better to leave just a little [chut-chut] hair.
- eXile: Leave chut-chut hair, right?
- Jacques: Yes.
- eXile: Like a circle or a stripe?
- Jacques: Uh...not a circle-
- eXile: ...Or a triangle?
- Jacques: Well, how do I say this? Not exactly a triangle either, but more like a stripe. Either a thin stripe or a wider stripe.
- eXile: Uh-huh. And that's what's most fashionable today in Moscow?
- Jacques: Yes.
- eXile: Tell me, if I wanted to arrange it so she's completely hairless, can I do that as well?
- Jacques: Yes, it's possible.
- eXile: And if I wanted to make a picture?
- Jacques: Um, our bikini designer won't be with us until sometime around the end of May. Right now we can't do it.
- eXile: But you can do that in Moscow these days?
- Jacques: Yes, you can.
- eXile: Do you know where for example I could arrange this in Moscow?
- Jacques: You know, I don't know exactly where, but I do know that this service exists here.
- eXile: Okay. Tell me, if I wanted to do this today, it's possible right?
- Jacques: Um, just a second. [Asks the administrator] Yes, today it's possible. Around from six to seven-thirty.
- eXile: Okay, so I should decide soon. Um, tell me, since I don't really know...um, her behavior today won't affect the... that is, in a nutshell, if we had sex today that won't affect your...
- Jacques: No, it won't affect anything.
- eXile: Even if, well, after sex, you know, she has, like, air down there. Right?
- Jacques: Well in general it shouldn't affect it.
- eXile: Okay, I'll call back as soon as I figure it out.
- Jacques: Thank you.
Wow, that was instructive! So all this time, we thought that fully-shaven snappers were It, and we was wrong, folks. Girls, you better let a little stripe grow out soon, or you'll be left in the dustbin of snappery! Like the professional journalists we are, we're not going to rest on our laurels just yet. Dig deeper, as our J-school professors always told us. Folks, when it comes to snappers, we're always willing to dig as deep as we can go. That's why we called Beauty Studiya in the five-star National Hotel across from the Kremlin.
- eXile: Hello, can you please tell me if Beauty Studiya does waxing with a little picture?
- Beauty Studiya: Just a minute please. [Answers other phone, arranges appointment with other caller while we wait impatiently.] Yes, what kind do you want, what kind of waxing?
- eXile: I want to know, that is, if you do small stripes or completely shaven or little pictures. [Silence] Because I heard that lately little pictures are fashionable-excuse me, I should say it's for my girlfriend! Bikini, in the bikini area.
- BS: M-h'm. And you need, uh...
- eXile: A little picture.
- BS: Yes, we do that.
- eXile: You yourselves choose the picture or what?
- BS: We can ourselves. We have, uh... our person who does this will only be in on Thursday.
- eXile: Right now I'm just investigating because I want to do this as a gift for my girlfriend.
- BS: Ah, I understand now! Okay.
- eXile: And I want to know, for example, what's the most fashionable style in Moscow. That is, a stripe, shaven, or a little picture?
- BS: Today the most fashionable thing is a little picture, a dyed [krashenaya] picture.
- eXile: Red? [krasnaya]
- BS: Dyed.
- eXile: Oh, dyed.
- BS: Yes, so that you can have more than one color. You can have many colors. You can do it how you like, as you please. Well not you, I mean, but your girlfriend.
- eXile: Uh-huh. Interesting. And you dye the skin or the hair?
- BS: The hair.
- eXile: So you leave some hair there in order to dye it. So how much hair do you leave?
- BS: You see, first you do the trimming, then you do the dying if it's necessary.
- eXile: And what kind of picture is the most fashionable right now?
- BS: Oi, it's a matter of taste. I can't tell you.
- eXile: So you can do a...
- BS: A little rabbit-
- eXile: Can you do a political figure?
- BS: Of course. But I think it depends on the specialist and what kind of fantasies she has and what she's capable of drawing. She does it all, you understand?
- eXile: My girlfriend really likes both Putin...
- BS: [loud laughter]
- eXile: ...and Yasir Arafat.
- BS: You know...
- eXile: And Arafat is kind of bearded, so maybe, you know...
- BS: Oh my, I don't think it's possible for her to do that.
- eXile: It's not possible?
- BS: Oh my, no way.
- eXile: What about Putin?
- BS: Putin? But he's bald! [laughs]
- eXile: [laughs] Bald, yes.
- BS: Yes.
- eXile: Okay, well if it's possible, I should call on Thursday? And your specialist is very talented, right?
- BS: She's very good at it. Her name is Navozova Tatyana. Call her directly yourself.
- eXile: One more time, which is the most popular again? A little rabbit?
- BS: I mean Playboy bunny.
- eXile: Ah, it's clear now, of course.
- BS: Of course. And beyond that however you fantasize.
- eXile: Okay, thank you so much.
- BS: It was nothing, by all means call back. I wish you well, goodbye.
We're getting there folks. But we still haven't clinched the story. We've got our hands around the whole snapper story, but we haven't dug all the way in. One more beauty salon, and we should have the whole snapper thing licked. Which is why we called the former Estee Lauder beauty salon at the Moscow Country Club.
- Beauty Studio: Beauty Studio, Yulia, good afternoon.
- eXile: Uh, good afternoon. This is the Estee Lauder beauty center, right?
- BS: No, this is the Beauty Studio.
- eXile: You do waxing here?
- BS: Yes, we do.
- eXile: This isn't Estee Lauder?
- BS: No.
- eXile: But it's the Moscow Country Club, right?
- BS: Yes, Moscow Country Club. It's not Estee Lauder anymore.
- eXile: Okay. I want my girlfriend to have a waxing.
- BS: When?
- eXile: On her bikini.
- BS: Her bikini.
- eXile: Uh-huh. Soon. This weekend.
- BS: This weekend, right?
- eXile: Right. Now first of all I have a question because I don't really understand this. I'm doing this as a gift for her, right? First of all, what's the most fashionable style, which is the best? I don't know, maybe a little stripe, or maybe so that it's completely bald, or some kind of little picture...
- BS: It should be how she herself wants it, what she's comfortable with. That and fashionable.
- eXile: I know, but you see I don't want her to have to decide anything, you understand?
- BS: So what day did you want to do it?
- eXile: Uh, probably Saturday.
- BS: Saturday, yes? Saturday...
- eXile: But first I want to investigate this with you.
- BS: M-h'm. Waxing you can... I don't know what's fashionable.
- eXile: Can I speak to someone who understands this better?
- BS: Who understands it better? [hands the phone]
- Waxing Specialist [chirpy woman's voice]: Allo?
- eXile: Hello. I just want to give as a gift a bikini body waxing, right?
- WS: Right.
- eXile: And I want to know, so that it's already arranged before she comes in, I want to know what's the most fashionable style.
- WS: You know, we have about 200 types of trimmings so it's hard to say --
- eXile: Two hundred?!
- WS: -- which is the most fashionable. But in principle, you can do like a Zodiac sign. Or a car symbol. There's so many.
- eXile: So you can do like a Mercedes symbol?
- WS: What?
- eXile: Or maybe I didn't understand you. You mean you can do different pictures down there?
- WS: Yes, yes, we can do different pictures. There's a bunny, a bunny's head.
- eXile: And a Mercedes?
- WS: What?!
- eXile: A Mercedes symbol for the car, you can do that?
- WS: Well, in principle it's possible, yes, but it wouldn't really be visible because the area is small, you see, not a lot is left there. So if you dye it, then it grows back you know so thickly, and the hair grows all around it, then you know, it's not pretty...
- eXile: So the Playboy bunny is very fashionable.
- WS: We can do that. We can do a droplet. It doesn't matter. We can do a stripe. As a rule people come, look at the pictures we have and then choose with the specialist because first of all there are many possibilities, and secondly, it's difficult to say how old she is, how does she look, is she blond, tall, thin. Then what's her character like and what goes with it. So you see it's difficult to say.
- eXile: She's small and crazy.
- WS: [laughs] Then she needs a hedgehog. A hedgehog design.
- eXile: She really likes political figures. Can you do that as well? Like Putin, a picture of Putin.
- WS: Ah, no. Faces can't be done because you don't draw in the inside of the picture, just the outline of the figure. Like a star, a droplet, a mug, stripe. You understand?
- eXile: Uh-huh.
- WS: It has to be visible in the little area above.
- eXile: What about a hammer and sickle?
- WS: Huh?
- eXile: Hammer and sickle?
- WS: Hammer and sickle? [laughs] So far we haven't done that.
- eXile: But it's possible?
- WS: We can try it.
- eXile: Okay. So please tell me, because we, uh... This is a personal question.
- WS: M-h'm.
- eXile: We're going to spend the night at the hotel there on Friday, right? And the next morning or afternoon I'd like to have this done. Our behavior won't affect if...
- WS: No, not-
- eXile: I mean if we have sex, it won't affect it?
- WS: No, it won't affect it in any way.
- eXile: Because she usually gets too much air in her vagina, you understand.
- WS: No, no. It won't affect it. It's just that it's not preferable if she's going to take a bath first because [not understandable] Anyway it's not preferable to do that. And also, that is, it's best not to drink too much alcohol beforehand. It affects the skin.
- eXile: So even if she queefs [kweefuyet], it's not a problem?
- WS: No, no. It's even helpful.
- eXile: So if she queefs, it's not a problem, right?
- WS: Yes, it's helpful.
- eXile: Excellent. Okay, thank you.
- WS: You too. All the best.
Queefing is "helpful"? You heard it here first, folks. The scoop on snapper season. Queefing and dyed bunny rabbits are in, and fully-shaved snappers are out.
|FROM THE VAULT|
Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.
Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."
Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.
Clubbing Adventures Through Time
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.
The Fortnight Spin
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.
13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...