Mankind's only alternative 3   DEC.   22  
Mankind's only alternative
Welcome
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Unfiled March 20, 2003
 
Escape from Tynda
By Jake Rudnitsky Browse author Email
 
Page 3 of 6
 
While offering his critique, he must have referred to the izubr killing scene from my Evenk article twenty times. Never anything else, just the izubr. I imagine he'd sat many an hour with a dictionary and translating program trying to understand what was in front of him. The scene he referred to made up the first paragraphs of the first story I wrote about Tynda, and I'm sure he got no farther. He didn't need to. That was apparently enough to upset him. Maybe he's a vegetarian.

The agent was getting more aggressive. At one point, he threatened me, "If you don't produce your accreditation on Monday morning in my office, on Tuesday you won't be in Russia." Immediate deportation was a tall order, considering the quickest way out of Tynda, by my estimation, would take the better part of two days.

The friend took to tailing me wherever I went, which I only tolerated until he started hitting on me, grabbing onto my shoulder and rubbing it. When I told him to fuck off, he was too drunk to even attempt a swing at me, the typical Tynda reaction. He just lost his balance.

Meanwhile, the spook was harassing the girl I was with, calling her a slut for consorting with an American. He didn't realize she worked at Tranzit and, when he started getting rude, she called over her bouncer friends. What followed was a pitiful scene reminiscent of me flashing my eXile card in a futile attempt to get into Tsepelin; the impotent agent flashed his FSB udostoverenie at the two pumped guards, who told him if he said another word to the girl, he'd be thrown out. The card probably saved him from getting the shit kicked out of him out back, but it hardly increased his mystique.

Looking at this pitiful specimen, it is easy to dismiss offhand any talk of Putin restoring the KGB to its former glory by putting them in charge of the borders or even the country. The agent might be able to make my life uncomfortable, but that jowly fool isn't descended from the chiseled NVKD agents that sent millions to the GULAGs. Back in '37, everyone in Tranzit would have been given a tenner in Magadan for Article 58. Whatever the alarmists might claim, the FSB won't be able to regroup. It is far too weak, incompetent and poorly organized to effectively run a police state. There's no revolutionary spirit anymore and they're too greedy to be nationalists; they're just interested in the quick buck they can make controlling Russia's drug rackets.

Meanwhile, the other end of the legal spectrum was closing in on me. The day before my FSB encounter, I nearly became a Death Porn poster boy.
My attacker Ilya, teen sex magnet Fil, vor v zakone Vanya, and Fil

My attacker Ilya, teen sex magnet Fil, vor v zakone Vanya, and Fil

That day, I was already shitfaced by four in the afternoon after having drunk two glasses of "medicine" at the offices of the Avant Garde, Tynda's local paper. My friend Vladimir Nikolaevich, a Prima-smoking alcoholic journalist who's face was ringed with a three-inch horseshoe of fat, felt ill and therefore was drinking 120 proof spirits with ginseng instead of his usual vodka. He insisted that I try some, as it had healing properties that the chetvertushka, or .25l, of vodka I'd brought didn't.

Alcohol that strong burns a hole down your esophagus as effectively as acid. It certainly isn't meant for human consumption. It didn't even help when I cut the second glass with water. I had just stopped by to find out if he could help me get registered. Thirty minutes later I was weaving down the street, looking the part of the village drunk.

From there I decided to visit the Fils, where there's always someone home to drink with. The Fils are two twenty-something brothers who live, along with their mother, in an apartment with no stove, kitchen sink or even wallpaper. When I showed up, the older Fil and his mother were alone; she was already drunk and plotting how to get more. I gave her some money and she took off.


SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
 
 
FROM THE VAULT
Jewish Businessman
Field Guide To Moscow: Sudoris Calvitium :
Drago
Rumble in the Rodina: Ibragimov vs. Holyfield :
Band Interview
Band Interview: The Mod Squad From Perm :

There Will Be Idiots: The Paul Thomas Anderson Sham :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru