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Book Review December 25, 2002
Hate Thy Neighbor As Thyself
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
Page 4 of 4
Other observations: the Gospels are kind of an interesting read. There's a point in the first three gospels where Jesus, dying on the cross, suddenly takes back everything he's said about being the son of god and cries: "Eloi, eloi, lama sabachthani?" Which means, "Okay, forget what I said! I got a little carried away! Now someone get a ladder and a pair of pliers and get me offa this fucking thing! I don't wanna die!!!"

Then there's Acts, the tale of how the first proselytizers spread Christianity. In fact Acts is mankind's first door-to-door sales handbook. Ever wonder why Middle American Christians are both so devout and such tireless salesmen? It's all here: Peter and Paul going door-to-door hawking their Amway religion to any sucker they can. The more you sell, the more sub-salesmen you get working underneath you in your pyramid scheme, the closer you get to heaven. Acts is also where expressions like "brother" and "the Way" [ie Christianity] get introduced, just in case you're wondering.

All in all you'd be better off reading the ancient Greeks than this lumbering miserable book. Judeo-Christianity is the invention of such a primitive, third-rate imagination compared to what the ancient Greeks had cooked up that it absolutely boggles the mind to think that the Bible won out over Plato and Sophocles. While Paul was running around using logic to "prove" that Jesus was the son of God, the Greeks had already postulated the existence of atoms, the circumference of earth, medicine, Rhetoric, and had already written the greatest books, plays, poems and gross-out humor [Aristophanes as the eXile's first prophet] of all time. The Greeks made you think, stimulated the imagination, gave color to the world and form to what was inchoate; the Bible edits out nearly everything in life and presents a primitive, simple, bitter version of existence that makes you want to murder and die.

If you really want to understand the Bible, see The Life of Brian and buy Sam Kinison's "Louder Than Hell" album. If you read the Bible, you will come no closer to understanding human stupidity, but you'll feel much worse about mankind than ever before. Perhaps an apocalypse wouldn't be such a bad thing.
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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
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eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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