Mankind's only alternative 12   JUN.   21  
Mankind's only alternative
War Nerd RSS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Kino Korner December 11, 2002
Die Now, Not Another Day!
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
Page 3 of 3
After her shallow JFK-Jr-esque son proposes to Witherspoon, we learn that she has a skeleton in her closet -- she's still married to her childhood hick sweetheart. So she heads back to the sticks for the first time in seven years to try to convince Jebb to sign the divorce papers so that she can continue her climb up to the top.

Here is where the movie's Lie Factor cracks the glass. You just know she's going to give it all up -- the wealth, the fame, the power, the apartment on Central Park -- for dumb, poor Jebb and humid, mosquito-infested Alabama. Why are we supposed to believe such a transformation? Because the target audience already comes to the movie believing that lie in-advance. The illogic needs no explanation; the transformation is pre-ordained.

As in all chick flicks, the men are grotesquely sensitive, unrealistic, and do nothing during work hours but pay attention to the female lead. That's the female fantasy in action. There is also a snappy gay black model just to round out the whole chick flick cliche. Aren't those gays just so much fun?!

Sure every woman fantasizes about being paid attention to by two perfect men -- one rich, sensitive and powerful; the other handsome, outdoorsy, and yes, sensitive too (it turns out that Jimbo makes art, some kind of shitty blown glass) -- but I'd like to meet just one woman in the history of mankind who ever left a rich, powerful man from the Big City for a dumb yokel from her shameful past. In art, romantic poverty-love wins out over power-money-love at least 95% of the time, unless the artist is a "cynic." Most women believe that myth about themselves (even Sofia claimed she'd never choose money over love and accused me of being "cynical"). Yet it never, ever has happened in the annals of human history, and never will.

Sadder than that however is Middle America's slavish view of itself. You realize pretty early on that Sweet Home is not for New Yorkers, who don't need any flattering or attention, but for Middle Americans who are awed and cowed by the Big City. Even though the movie grossly caricatures hicks, I'm sure this movie made all its profits in Middle America because when it comes down to it, hicks are happy to be laughed at -- or recognized in any way -- by the New York/ Los Angeles elite. At one point, Jimbo the hick boyfriend even says, "Honey, just cuz I talk slow don't mean that I'm stupid." Profound lines like that fill hicks with a sense of knowing pride, trust me.

Only a Big City Populist could possibly be offended by the caricatures of Alabamans as Confederate-obsessed lazy sacks of shit and closet homosexuals. Based on my year in Kentucky, I don't think that the caricatures were all that far off the mark. People there did talk funny. Half the men in KY were closet homosexuals, and the other half were simply miserable. Yet they were infinitely more tolerable than just about anywhere else in the US. Especially the yapping restaurant-hopping maggots who infest the East Coast big cities.


If you watch this movie with a "date" like I did, your curiosity about her will help dull the pain that this movie might inspire. If, however, you watch it with whom you have already slept, and she enjoys the movie or sighs even once, then there's a fifty-fifty chance that her head will wind up in the back of your freezer. For fairness's sake, I'll have to give this one and a half Ted Bundys for mild serial-murder-inducing scenes, particularly the predictable ending.

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Browse author
Email Mark Ames at

Georgia in the Crunch :
Russian Hipsters On-Line
Moscow Hipsters Mock Provincial Bloggers :

Low Rollers! 24 Hours in Slot Hall Hell :

Megatons and Memory Holes : Richard Rhodes, Richard Perle, and the Man Who Saved the World


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442