Mankind's only alternative 5   DEC.   21  
Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Kino Korner October 31, 2002
The Road To Turdition
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
Page 3 of 3
Back to the movie. Daddy Hanks is a bad-guy gangster. He's got a supposedly likeable 11-year-old son. Now I ask you: what 11-year-old boy could possibly be sympathetic? Who the hell would want one? I know if I was the father to an 11-year-old boy, I sure as shit wouldn't communicate with him. I'd resent him. I'd tell him I wish I had a daughter. But I sure as hell wouldn't want to say, "Son, I want to tell you how I feel. And I want to know how YOU feel too."

Anyway, if you're a complete fucking idiot, you'll be riveted to your seat wondering whether or not Hanks and his son will have an epiphany. That said, there are a couple of pleasant surprises in the movie. Sissy Spacek, Hanks' wife, gets whacked in the beginning. I've always wanted to see Spacek get whacked. Especially after In The Bedroom. I almost wonder if it's worth buying a pirate video just to watch her get whacked. It's hard to imagine there'd be much blood. My brother didn't tell me if it was a good kill scene or not.

Also, the ending does offer a little surprise for all you Tom Hanks fans. I... aw shit, I have to tell you, I'm sorry. He dies. Ah-ha! He dies! Yes! Tom Hanks is dee-yed! Tom Hanks is dee-yed! Yum-dum-dee-dum-dum!

Welp, that's all folks. My advice: stay inside, powder your nose, rent movies, and order a whore. Anything else is sheer tomfoolery.

RATING: Because I value the integrity of my rating system, I'm not going to lie and pretend that I have enough genuine anger or emotion to rate this movie. Of course any film with Tom Hanks in it should automatically qualify for a nerve gas agent icon. From what my brother told me, Road To Turdition wouldn't deserve anything except perhaps two Ted Bundy icons if you take a date and she says that Tom Hanks was "amazing."

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Browse author
Email Mark Ames at

Kosovo: The Brave Tribes Are Doomed :
War Nerd
War Nerd Summer Reading Guide :

Lord of the Swine : Censorship in Russia: Revenge of the Disenfranchised

Your Letters :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442