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Kino Korner August 23, 2002
X-Treme Movies Kapsulz
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
Page 2 of 3
The hunk that Diaz goes for is another vile American type: elite white guys in their early thirties who play golf, wear wacky "ain't I a ham" clothes, and drop Star Wars references. This is an archetype in my generation that, sadly, does exist, and indeed, deserves to die very slowly and with a great loss of blood. Yet apparently, most young American women think that this male archetype is actually marriage material.

Still wanna know why I left America?

The Sweetest Thing, like all terrifying Hollywood films, is a series of lies presented as life -- only in this case, the sheer volume of lies is astounding. For example: there are no thin, sexy, unbespectacled females in San Francisco, yet every woman in this San Francisco-based movie is thin, cute, unbespectacled and (at least trying to be) sexy. Secondly, there are no straight male jocks in San Francisco, yet this movie has nothing but straight available male jocks with six-pack abs who want to snuggle with straight San Francisco womyn. Thirdly, there is no nightlife in San Francisco -- everything closes at 12:30 am on weekends, earlier during the week -- yet...what a night life these nutty slutz have in Frisco! Fourth, American womyn don't make friends with each other. There are no female friends in America. Got that? They hate each other, all of them, to the point of murder -- that's why all American grrls surround themselves with male friends straight and gay, and that's why American grrls all behave like men, burping, farting, affecting interest in football, etc. Yet The Sweetest Thing is about the tight bonds between beautiful young American womyn who joke with and sacrifice for each other just as if... they were guys! Lastly -- and this is the BIG LIE that no one will admit -- NO ONE GETS LAID IN SAN FRANCISCO EXCEPT FOR FAGS!

These are just the more obvious lies. If we were to catalogue them all... frankly, there aren't enough Tramals in Moscow to calm us down to the point where we could. It is this terrifying gap in American cinema between the lies about our lives that they present and the horrible lives we really lead that inspires people to join Al Qaeda, or, in the case of chick flicks, inspire American men to buy a used VW Bug, pull up to a sorority, take a heavy log, and... The Sweetest Thing

The Sweetest Thing also frightens with its truths. Really scary ones. Like the one in this movie which shows how American women are in fact much more sex-obsessed than American men. This is true -- I re-discovered this in Kentucky. American women are not only obnoxious and unattractive, they're scary and desperately horny -- they'll come on to you, they'll push you against a wall, try to rape you, and the result is you wind up impotent. It's why half the American male population, even in Kentucky, has turned homosexual.

I had to pop The Sweetest Thing out of my VCR at about the 40 minute mark, which I consider pretty brave of me. Most eXholes couldn't last 10 minutes.

But the joke is on me: I think The Sweetest Thing will pretty much stop playing by the time this issue rolls out, meaning that this review, and the pain I went through to get it out, is all in vain.


Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden

(For extreme Al Qaeda recruiting material)

Bin Laden Bin Laden Bin Laden

(For extreme Serial Murderer-inducing scenes)


This movie must have been one of the many famed eXclusive CNN tapes found in a secret Al Qaeda hideout in Afghanistan. It is a war crime. There is no other explanation for this reverse-psychology atrocity. Its release on pirate video earlier this year marked the first time since the start of the War on Terrorism that we at the eXile actually found ourselves rooting for the enemy. Mawkish, evil, boring, full of so much C-ration shit that the movie screen literally drips brown sludge, When We Were Soldiers proves that Mel Gibson is a closet Wahabbite. In his previous movie, Patriot, we saw Gibson play a bone-headed South Carolina farmer who lets his son get whacked by the Brits because he's too busy buggering his slaves, a film which had the unintended effect of making the viewer root for the supposedly bad-guy Brits. This time, Gibson is even worse as Lt. Col. Hal Moore, affecting the lamest Southern accent since Keanu Reaves in Devil's Advocate.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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