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Russia May 19, 2008
The Exile’s 2008 Happy Planet Guide To Moscow
Page 2 of 3

Time: Doctors recommend that that you not spend more than 6 minutes in the Hungry Duck. Seniors and children should avoid it.

Berezovsky Assassination Attempt

In the charming old section of Moscow known as "some old section," with its candy-colored two-story houses and winding old streets, you can visit the very spot where Boris Berezovsky survived an assassination attempt when rivals placed a bomb underneath his Mercedes and set it off, decapitating Berezovsky’s driver, but leaving the future human rights crusader unscathed. Re-enact the moment when FSB goon (and future human rights crusader-cum-polonium-martyr) Alexander Litvinenko arrives on the scene, and agrees to be hired out by Berezovsky.

Time: 30 minutes

Putin’s Directorial Debut

You know President Vladimir Putin as the steely ex-KGB agent who brought his country to heel on a mixture of authoritarianism and order. But did you know that in 1999, Putin tried his hand at directing? That’s right, visit the famous apartment above the ElDorado restaurant on Bolshoi Polyanka, where then-Prosecutor General Yuri Skuratov was filmed having a 2-on-1 hardcore sex session by then-FSB-head Vladimir Putin. This early stab at amateur-voyeur hardcore was such a hit with President Boris Yeltsin--who popped his first chubbie in 20 years--that the ailing leader named Putin as his successor.

Time: 1 hour=4000r, 2 hours=6000r.

Mayonnaise Factory

Take a day trip out to the Ramensky District for a taste of Russia’s culinary tradition. The Lubitelsky Mayonnaise Plant may be small but manages to produce roughly 100 tons of mayonnaise every month, which is still not nearly enough to supply the district’s 250,000 people.

Time: 4-16 hours, depending on traffic.

Bittsevsky Park

Come to this vast green forested park in order to pay your respects to the greatest serial killer of the 21st century, Alexander Pichushkin, who was convicted of killing 49 people in this very spot. This location is perfect for a vacationing family; you can either play chess on one of the park’s numerous tables (Pichushkin’s favorite hobby) or run around after your kids and wife pretending to stick bottles and sticks into their skulls (also his favorite) or you throw them down the sewage-canal waterslide, by dumping them into one of the park’s manholes, just like the Bittsevsky Maniac himself.

Recommended time: 49 minutes (62 minutes for purists)

Yasha Levine’s Famous Volga

Westerners might get the idea in their head that it would be fun, funny and a bit kitsch to own a Russian-made Volga car. Guide Yasha Levine is here to answer your questions, and beat that stupid idea out of your fucking head, using his own disastrous purchase of a 1999 Volga as his prop. Note: Yasha also offers 50 ruble rides around his courtyard to tourists. Group rates available.

Time: 45 minutes

A Real Russian Flea Market

For years now, Western tourists have put Izmailovo on their list of places-to-shop, snapping up matrioshka dolls, Dagestani rugs, fur hats and Soviet-era posters and paraphernalia. Sadly, if you’re American, you can no longer afford the shashlik, let alone a lacquer box. For you, a more appropriate market is just up the road at Cherkizovsky, where the dollar-poor American fits right in with his socio-economic peers from Uzbekistan, Vietnam, and...well, not China, not anymore. Tajikistan, sure. There, you can buy yourself a pair of pointy shoes and a murse, and maybe pick up a leopard-print skirt for the missus.

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New Cold War Kitsch: We Were So Young, So Naive, So Idiotic! :
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