The say that family is the foundation of society. Thank God we have so many exemplary celebrity families to light the way for the rest of us. Families provide guidance and support, and family can help you stay in or out of the tabloids, depending on your specific needs at the time. After all, isn’t that really what it’s all about?
And let’s face it, some celebs need extra support, especially today's young female stars. The recipe calls for sugar and spice and everything nice — and when you add fame, lots of hard liquor, red bull and some crack cocaine, well… let’s just say it’s not pretty. Women are already crazy enough as it is, and these girls need extra special direction. That’s where Daddy comes in.
Oh Baby Baby
Currently the perfect example of "Daddy knows best," Jamie Spears has done what no other papa could do: he made Britney’s pink wig disappear. He made the scary voices with really bad fake British accents go away. He banished the evil scalp-eating extensions. He got in there and got his conservatorship on, cast out the malevolent papitude of Osama Lufti and hired bodyguards that actually do their job. That’s right, Britney fans - there is hope once again. If this continues, Britney may eventually make that comeback people keep talking about. Now, if only he could get her to wear a bra!
As if Lindsay "Firecrotch" Lohan didn't have enough on her hands with her ambitious momager... Even before her stint at rehab, her ex-con born-again father has been searching for the limelight —strike that— reconciliation with his eldest daughter. These days, when he’s not thumping his bible and speaking about how important his daughter's sobriety is, Michael Lohan is pitching reality TV show concepts starring... Michael Lohan. This puts a new twist on classic celebudad-famous daughter synergy. The Tabloid Baby website summed it up nicely: "He began the year in prison. He ended the year co-starring as Joseph with a plastic Baby Jesus in a live-action nativity display in the middle of Times Square." Clearly, the road to vicarious stardom will be a long one for Michael Lohan. Keep praying!
Daddy Knows Best (Friends)
Brooke Hogan farts in her father’s general direction.
Thanks to the Attack of the Celebrity Reality Show, we were subjected to Hogan Knows Best, the tedious disaster that brought us Brooke Hogan. Le sigh. Somehow, against everything that is Natural and Good, Brooke Hogan's sort-of-career began to kind of blossom. We’re not clear on exactly what it is that she does, other than wear chaps fashioned out of old jeans and pose for pictures at "events" in dresses custom-made for the big-boned daughter of a former "wrestling" champion. For now, we are all weathering the scandal of her parents’ divorce: wouldn’t you know it, Hulk Hogan allegedly cheated on his wife with Brooke’s (now ex-) best friend. Unfortunately, what with Brooke’s blogging about it every five minutes, this means an extension of her already overly-generous fifteen minutes. Hey thanks, Dad!
Daddy Digs the Double D’s!
What would Jesus do if he was a born again dad of a celebrity?
Apparently when you are Jessica Simpson, you need the kind of support that lifts and separates, especially after your dad announces your bra size to the media. Creeping out everyone within range, Papa Joe - who manages his two D-list daughters - made a name for himself as number one skeezy dad a few years ago when he told GQ magazine about his eldest daughter’s sexy funbags. "You can't cover those suckers up!" And truly, where would Jessica be without her father? Oh wait, her last album flopped, her last movie went straight to DVD, and no one’s seen her in weeks! I guess it's time to start planning a strategic nip slip, right Papa?