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[SIC!] March 21, 2008
Your Letters
Page 2 of 4


Hey Vlad

Your blog is pretty interesting reading. Reminds me of all that Rwandan satire about how Tutsis were cockroaches. Apparently many Hutus found it hilarious in the run up to the genocide there back in the early 90s. Check it out if you haven't already, I think you'd probably find it entertaining stuff.


Tam Laniado

Dear Mr. Tam, Speaking of harsh-irony, we tried looking up this Hutu satire thing you were talking about here, and we found this Tutsi plea from 1994: "Help! Tam, are you there like you’ll promise to be here for us 15 years after the fact? Please! If anyone out there can find someone named Tam Laniado, please tell him to help us Tutsis! Please tell Tam that we are dying by the thousands, but if Tam Laniado just lifts his fucking pinkie and does something to help us NOW in 1994, then we will forever be grateful! The one consolation, as we’re getting hacked up here by the hundreds of thousands, is knowing that Tam Laniado, wherever he is now, will never, ever exploit and cheapen our genocide in a letter to someone who offended him. No, Tam Laniado is not the type who’d exploit the deaths of hundreds of thousands, deaths that he didn’t lift a pinkie to stop, merely to try to win an argument! No, Tam Laniado, email , is the type who today, in 1994, will dedicate his every waking hour to helping us survive! Just get the word out to Tam, he’ll save us…aghhh…aghhhh!!! Oh no, no! No, not that! No, look! Tam Laniado is using our tragedy in 2008 to win an argument and feel morally righteous!! Oh no, it hurts! It hurrrrttttssss!!!!…."


Tovarish Vladimir!

I am an impoverished American desperately in need of Russia's help. I am a shameful, pathetic dog unfit to lick the soles of Russia's mighty jackboots. Without immediate foreign aid from our exalted superiors in Russia, our country is certain to collapse under the weight of its own waistline and oversized SUVs. Could you please arrange for a transfer of a trillion dollars to our Federal Reserve to ensure that all of our banks don't completely collapse this month? Also, I'd like to warn my Russian masters that it is likely that only a regime change in Washington DC can prevent the Fourth Reich from turning their weapons on the Russian ally, Iran. Is there any chance I can perhaps parlay this information into a Russian work visa?

I appeal to your humanity: please send oil and hot chicks.

Tovarisch Ian

Dear Mr. Ian, Vlad Kalashnikov replies, "Is this guys thinking he’s writing a funny letter? Fucking loser, have some dignity man. Even Russians don’t behave this pathetic, with self-humiliating jokes, after the fall of the Soviet Union. You would be better not making stupid jokes, and to find real job somewhere, make some money, behave like a man. Russia don’t need you if you want to know, that is why we force you migrant workers to have leprosy and AIDS tests. Your American teenagers pussies all have diseases, as you read in my blog!" Sorry about that, Ian, Vlad isn’t the type to get into a friendly jostle with Americans, he thinks if he’s too nice to you Americans, that you’ll be like annoying beggars trying to squeegee his windshield. This is just Vlad’s way of trying to ward off helpless declining desperate Americans. We’d say that it pangs his conscience, but…aw hell, who’re we kiddin’?! He loves watching you squeal!

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

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Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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