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Mankind's only alternative

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
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Celeb-Retard March 3, 2008
Desperate Measures For Desperate Celebrities
By Kitty McFarlane Browse author

Ah, fame. Celebrities wouldn’t be celebrities without it. For some, it comes effortlessly. For others, it comes only after the third trip to rehab. But other, less fortunate attention whores must continually bust their humps to keep their names in the blogs.

Many would-be A-listers settle for strolling up and down Robinson Avenue or eating out at Koi or the Ivy, where they know the paparazzi camp out, waiting for the scent of the overpaid. The stars arrive with great fanfare, exit their cars (often in a manner so as to draw attention to the absence of any undergarments) and frown disdainfully at the swarming paparazzi ever-so-briefly before striking various poses on their way into the building.

However, some would-be celebrities don’t have it so easy. They are forced to take it to the next level, frantically milking their curds and whey to get back into the public's ever-wandering eye. You might spend a few nanoseconds pitying their profound desperation. But then you go back to ignoring them and... oh, look! A dragonfly!

Self-proclaimed Prince Frederick von Anhalt, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband (yes, she’s still alive), has tried a number of shockingly desperate stunts to get the attention of the press. During the peak of the Anna Nicole Smith Death Circus, he claimed to be the father of little wonk-eyed Danielynn, which bore the fruit of an interview with Republican Pervert Bill O'Reilly. A few months later, he was found naked, bound and gagged in his Rolls Royce (von Anhalt, not O’Reilly). He claims to have been approached by three attractive young women who he says asked him for a photo - that’s the first thing wrong with his story. He goes on to claim that one of the women robbed him at gunpoint, took his car keys and all of his belongings, his driver’s license - and his clothes. Magically, he was able to call the police for help on his cell phone. Hey, they let him keep his hat!

These days von Anhalt keeps himself busy by courting the paps from TMZ on a regular basis and spouting nonsense about real celebrities and how they all suck. Unfortunately, TMZ only encourages him by publishing their bits on "Prince von Ahole."

Apparently, Chinese "actress" Bai Ling has dedicated her short time on this planet and her mystery-career to the old schoolyard rhyme: "Chinese, Japanese, dirty knees, look at these!" The Nip-Slip Princess (and ain’t that one helluva nip!) occasionally gets headlines, usually because her boob "accidentally" falls out of her one-of-a-kind ensembles. Bai Ling, who has claimed that she is "from the moon," recently enjoyed some headline-grabbing action when she was detained at LAX after shoplifting about $16 worth of crap from an airport corner store. Sixteen bucks? Really? Really, you’re famous for some unknown reason and you don’t have sixteen bucks? Whatevs. After her truly pitiful mug shot was released, Bai Ling updated her Bai Blog with a message straight offa "Life happens to you either you liked it or not, sometimes I feel you have to be so brave to stand in front of the World, and just hope that people will have a tender heart toward you." Six. Teen. Dolla. Bi.Otch.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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