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[SIC!] November 20, 2007
 
Your Letters
 
Page 2 of 3
 

MALI-BOO-HOO

War Nerd,

KOOK. Go back to Russia. You want to see people's pets die? Why don't you come down to the beach in Malibu, I have a Valley beater stick for you.

Ben McDonald

Dear Mr. McDonald, We'd flame you for being a liberal Malibu elitst tree hugger and all, but you wrote something here implying real physical violence, so we're just gonna mosey on by, whistling, minding our own business, we're not the guys you're looking for...too-dee-doo... Okay, is he gone now? Yeah? Good. Let's go find ourselves a tree hugging hippie to flame.

OFFICE HO'

Hi, Nancy!

No matter how hard you mock your office mate Natasha, I bet that for 99% of your male readers she is a long wished-for woman. Living here in Chicago, I really miss that female marrow-mindedness, silliness and bluntness that you mock in your articles so much. So, the question is--is Natasha available? Any chances of getting her contact e-mail/phone? And don't say Natasha is just a made her up character--this will ruin the hopes of so many Exile readers!!

Cheers,

Petos

Dear Mr. Petos, We passed on your request to Natasha, and she replied, "What kind of car does he own? If he wants my email, he's going to have to buy me a shuba first. No shuba, no email. Aren't I irresistibly sexual?!"

DORKFIEND

Hi there Dr. Dolan,

I'm a regular reader of your stuff in the Exile and I'd like to start reading Donald Goines on your recommendation. However, he has a lot of books. Is there a particular one you recommend I start with?

Thanks

Peter

Dear Mr. Peter, Dr. Dolan recommends you start with Dopefiend. And to answer your question about which toilet paper he should wipe your ass with, Dr. Dolan recommends Baby Wipes moist towels. It's safe, clean, and soothing, just like Dopefiend!

FAMILY FEUD

Cheers War Nerd,

First of all, i want to tell you how much i enjoy reading your column. As a lebanese born during the Israeli invasion of Beirut in 82, and having lived most of my life in Lebanon, it's nice to see someone who knows what he's talking about writing about the middle east, and about lebanon. Your articles about the israel hezbollah war by far the best thing i read about this conflict...

I was wondering if you were still following up about the naher el bared issue. 1st of all, i agree that the army did most of the right things fighting the pallies. the interesting thing however is that until now, the palestinians aren't allowed back into the camp. the fighting might have stopped but The army is still going through the damn place one rat hole at a time. even the UN has started to accuse them of war crimes and crap. Best part is, the media is also still not allowed back into the camp. Obviously the army is making sure there is nohing left in there, checking out every corner of every house. my question is if this works, why don't the israeli do the same thing in palestine?? Sure, it's on a whole other scale, but the conflict has been going on for decades now, if they had done it right from the beginning, taking out hamas (well, back then it was fatah) one house at a time.. they would have been done by now. i think it's some kind of Israeli arrogance thing, they think they are too good to do it delicately, they prefere to bomb the shit out of them then they wait for them to rearm. The other thing you failed to mention is the effect on Hezbollah. See, the North is mostly Sunni with some christians. it's the only area in Lebanon with no Shiite in it. The army casualties and the number of the lebanese soldiers in Lebanon turned out to have a Sunni Majority, despite what was commonly believed that since the Shias are a majority in lebanon, they also have the majority of the army. Turned out it was totally bull. the army has a huge amount of northern lebanese sunnis and believe me when i tell you these guys are freaking crazy enough to make an iran revolutionnary guard shit his pants. There was even a old sunni women who managed to take out and tie up two chetchen fateh el islam members on the run, big mama style. The Fatah El Islam were obviously created and run by Syria to take out what was likely to become the last Sunni strnghold against hezbollah in case of a sunni-shia war But now, the Hezbollah led media is going all out to claim that Fatah El Islam was a creation of Saudi Arabia and the Hariri government. This is unlikely but they were right about one thing, Lebanese factions are rearming faster than ever. Other pallies camp have fully armed militia, some of which are loyal to Syria but a lot of them (including Osbat El Ansar, the biggest al quaeda inspired militia, located in Ein El Helwe camp in the south, and ten times worse that Fath El Islam) are very close to Hariri. The Lebanese forces, part of the march 14th coalition, have aready stockpiled huge amounts of weapons, and the PSP of Jumblatt have close ties with israeli druze and have always been ready for whatever. The northern dudes are loyal to Hariri's Future movement and the northern christians to the Lebanese forces. Also, old civil war militias are popping up once again like the "Mourabitoun" (sentinels) who issued a warning/threat to Nasrallah a few months back.

See, there are so many things going on in lebanon right now that i am getting all my thought mixed up. like in February, the TJ (Tareeq Jadidah neighbourhood) incident. A bunch of Hezbollah followers tried to make a move on a sunni pro government stronhold: results, snipers popping up from nowhere and 4 Hezbollah casualties, hassan Nasrallah quick to tell his followers to retreat and condemn the incident.

With all these development, i would love to hear your scenario of a renewed civil war in lebanon. A few months ago, i was tempted to believe that Hezbollah would be way too strong and could vanquish all other factions combined. But recently, i've been having some doubts. Will Hezbollah be as comfortable fighting in non Shia area as they were fighting in the south against Israel??? they do have christian allies like the morone General Aoun but he's the dude who lost pretty much every single battle he waged.

Anyway, i hope you will write something about Lebanon soon, cuz sth big is gonna happen there pretty soon.

Khaled A

Dear Mr. Khaled, Personally, if we were Carl, we wouldn't write something this meaty. We'd just say, "No one understands what's going on in Lebanon, it's all a big mess and irony is that the tree hugging eco freaks are to blame for it all." That's the kind of analysis readers can relate to. [Er, by the way, want a job with us?]


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