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[SIC!] November 7, 2007
 
Your Letters
 
Page 2 of 4
 

PUS 'N ABOOTS

Hello,

Great paper, a friend from Moscow turned me onto it. I'm after a bit of help if that's ok. I wouldn't mind living and working in Moscow for a bit and wonder how I go about this. I have 10 pus years experience in offshore banking and anti-money laundering. Any advice would be great. Oh, I don't speak Russian by the way.

Cheers

Abo

Dear Mr. Abo, Moscow really needs people with pus experience. Any pus will do: gooey pus, bloody pus, hard pus, white'n'creamy pus. What's more impressive is that you have 10 pus years experience, because as everyone in the pus business knows, 10 pus years is really like 70 dog years. Abo, you've got the right pus for Moscow's bursting market in pustules. Who needs Russian language skills when you can just squirt a li'l pus into someone's eye. Even a Chukchi understands that!

WORSE THAN HITLER

War Nerd,

Why aren't you writing about Turks and Kurds?? This is your moment; get some columns out! BTW, you should really try to hook up with Slate or Salon or something. This Exile thing is very eclectic, but you're getting sidelined. Those big sites publish Hitchens and crap like that to be controversial--you've got the provocative stuff *and* real substance on top of that. And I think they pay north of $300 per column.

Tero

Dear Mr. Tero, Do any of you assholes get it? What have we at The eXile been trying to teach you all these many years? Has anyone listened to our message? Have we been toiling in vain? Folks, we here at The eXile have a philosophy, and that philosophy is, "Have talent, will waste it." That's the way we do things around here, and that's the way we're going to do things tomorrow, the next day, and the day after. Although maybe not four or five days after that, it all depends. But that's speculating on a hypothesis. Look, what's wrong with you assholes? Why the hell are you ungrateful spineless apostates trying to lure our franchise players like Brecher away from their little eXile Swazilands that we've provided them? Why do you want to see them enter the dull beigeist world of Salon or slate.com? What makes you think those dot-middlebrow-commers who run those publications want "provocative and real substance" and not the fake versions they already serve up? They want fake, folks, fake! That's the whole point! And it won't change, unless greedy fucks like you pay Brecher directly for entertaining you, rather than mooching off of his pain. Look, let's go over this again, okay folks? They, the middlebrows, want Hitchens and Paglia and endless "new Hunter Thompsons" and "new Grateful Deads" and repackaged versions of anything-already-market-tested...NOT SOMETHING GENUINELY NEW AND PROVOCATIVE LIKE THE WAR NERD. If'n and when'n it ever happens that Brecher or the others get picked up by the major labels, it's all over, leaving you pigs to whine, "It's too bad...he was much better before he got big..." If it happens, fine, but why are you pushing for it? It'd be like fans of the Fall screaming during their show, "Sign with Sony Records! Sign with Sony Records!" Oh, you disappoint us. After all these eXile years, you people learned nothing. We are so, so deeply saddened. This doesn't mean that each and every one of us wouldn't take an offer to sell out at the drop of a hat--but that's none of your business. That's our business. Your business is to cheer us on and find ways to give us money and praise and vaginal fluids. Our business is to consistently fuck our careers up, and slide unceremoniously into increasing bitterness, poverty and failure, griping "I coulda been a contenduh" all the way to the temp agency. Are we clear about our roles here, folks? The point is, until we ever figure out how to convince these moneyed beigeists to buy us out and soften our tone, even for the paltry sum of $300 (you seem impressed by this 300-dollar figure, Tero...not sure if you've heard the news, but this isn't 1931, movies don't cost a nickel anymore. Seriously. They even have what are called "talkies" these days!) Okay, now that you've got us on our high horse 'n all, let's consider your scenario seriously. Let's say that a Salonate.com really did offer one of us a gig for a whopping $300 per article (you must really know your Big Media rates, Tero Maguire. You must have the inside stuff--ever thought of becoming a bigtime literary agent? You could get a 30 dollar cut from each article, you hard-driving negotiator you! Think about all the popcorn you could eat with 30 bucks per!). Anyway, sake of argument, Salon offers to pay the War Nerd, and in return, offers 300 smackeroonies. Simple, right? Wrong. Cuz, like, you see, if and when they do offer us a chance to hit the Big Time, well, we, uh, don't do it. We choke. We don't know how to succeed like you healthy people. I mean, that's our entire corporate philosophy. Let us explain. A few years ago, we brought in a branding guru named Eggs McChinquerwater, author of the legendary "How To Put The 'Suck' Into Success!" and he taught The eXile all about brand coding. That means that we have a branding philosophy both in the eXile product, and in our office, in our interpersonal relationships and corporate relationships, and in our lives, both inside the office and outside the office. Our credo is, "There is no mountain that we can't quit climbing after we start getting tired, and there is no sea we can't get depressed while riding on because it looks like too much work. We do not take 'no' for an answer, unless we're the ones answering and the question is something like, 'Will you get this article finished by Friday?' or 'Can you pay me back the money you owe me?' or 'Can you please flush the toilet after you shit?' No, no, a thousand times no! Of course, we won't take no for an answer if we're the ones asking, 'Can we see your thingies?' and 'can you please hold still' or 'can you please not look at me while I do this?' So, in conclusion, you, Tero, sir, have plumbed the depths of evil with your suggestion that Brecher leave us for a bigger ezine. We'll go further and say that you, sir, are worse than Adolf Hitler. Though not quite as evil as Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Close, and with a little evil-elbow-grease you can get there, but so far, you're just at the Adolph Hitler level. But keep trying. And don't take "no" for an answer.


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