A while back, we asked readers to help us figure out the best way to retract a short piece of satire about Moron 5 front man Adam Levine and Marina Shaparova, as requested by Mr. Levine's lawyer. Below are some of the best responses. For the full story, see [SIC!] from issue #270.
IN THE WINNER'S CIRCLE: Eric P.
The best way to "retract" the Levine article would be to sing one of his shitty songs back to him, with the indicated lyric alterations, below. The original song is "She will be loved" and it played on repeat in every American drugstore for about six months of 2005ish. The MP3 demo is attached.
If you were to play this tape in court, you would have an airtight case that it's all a big joke. If you'd like, I could make a video recording, which would probably be much funnier. It could be done in newscaster style, with plenty of earnest looks and head shaking. Who knows, it could become a YouTube hit.
(Verse 1 and 2)
Boy band queen dates Sharapova,
he sometimes gets a bit insecure.
I know we tend to use satire but
It doesn't matter anymore.
We wrote for minutes and minutes
and somehow your vagina got sore.
You cry like a baby, hire a lawyer,
fucked in the ass but somehow you want more (yeah)
We don't mind spending every day
renouncing humor for that special gay:
Adam Levine, getting poked from behind
Exile correspondent here to apologize
And he starts to moan
but it ruins her concentration.
She lays there like a dead frog.
But we lied and we were wrong, we hereby issue our retraction.
Send us a letter, threaten libel
We want to make you feel beautiful.
(UPDATED: click here to play the audio file.)
SECOND PLACE: Sarah Kuperman
The best retraction Levine's lawyer could get is his head from his ass, but here's my submission for a retraction letter.
To: Mighty Warob of the Serling Rooks
Cc: That Fat Bastard Ferrara
I am not the attorney for Adam Levine and his members in Maroon 5. For this simple fact I wake up each and every day with a smile on my face.
It has come to my attention that the eXile newspaper and website posted your letter regarding your client and his purported relationship with a tennis starlet, Maria Sharapova. In that letter, you claimed that the eXile made certain statements about the statements that were stated by Mr. Levine in regard to the aforementioned tennis starlet.
On behalf of the eXile, it's readers, Maria Sharapova, Adam and his members and the entire population of the plant Earth not otherwise noted, we hereby retract your letter. We also summarily retract your birth and curse the day your mother whelped a misguided, semi-retarded Worob.
Unless you vacate the planet of Earth within (3) days of your receipt of this email, the inhabitants thereof will consider retaining legal counsel in the form of a 450-pound horny gorilla with an 18 inch Johnson and the balls to back it up.
Please note that this letter is not intended to be a an (in)complete statement of the facts or law, blah blah blooby blee blee, legal rights, blah blooby, equitable...remedies, fer flee fla blah, post facto - bylah.