Mankind's only alternative 31   OCT.   14  
Mankind's only alternative
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The Evolution of the Flathead
By Field Marshal von Paulus
 
 

The flathead was once the dominant predator in the Moscow habitat.

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In the Yeltsinscene Era flatheads roamed the city freely in their distinctive black, box-like Mercedes SUVs. They were largely nocturnal, haunting Moscow's late-night mating grounds and watering holes. Though some were domesticated and used as watchdogs by club owners, many flatheads lived a nomadic existence, descending on nightlife venues, often accompanied by dangerously attractive girlfriends who evolved into a related species, Trophia Minigarcha (profiled in eXile #186).

The flathead was instantly recognizable, thanks to his enormous steroid-enhanced bulk and the close-cropped skull which gave the species its name. The flathead's coloring was also quite distinctive, featuring a black Hugo Boss coat with black shirt and black pants. Some scientists have even speculated that this bizarre coloring might have contributed to the decline of the species.

The flathead evolved in the ancient burrows of Podmoskoviya. Archeological sites at Khimki have yielded evidence that the flathead was worshipped by paleolithic Russian villages. Cave drawings of crude box-shaped vehicles, along with hunting scenes showing huge, hairless man-like creatures shooting each

 

 

other, suggest villagers looked with awe at this fearsome carnivore. Their shamans apparently tried to reach mystical union with the flathead via Herbalife rituals, psychoactive agents such as vodka, and the ritual sacrifice of sleeping alcoholics.

As Moscow's climate changed at the end of the Yeltsinscene, the flathead was faced with extinction. The much colder atmosphere of the Putinid Era favored much smaller, more furtive and cautious species. There seemed to be no place in such an environment for the massive flathead.

Yet, in one of the most remarkable displays of the evolutionary process, the flathead evolved, changing and adapting to the new habitat. Yesterday's flathead became today's feis kontrol goon. Instead of killing its prey with its huge paws, the flathead goon mastered the art of ego-crushing. Instead of disabling its prey with a single lunge, the feis-kontrol goon paralyszes its victims with a toxic shrug or lethal sneer, such as "You're too old." The feis-kontrol goon no longer needed the flathead's massive shoulders. Instead, it evolved a special organ which allowed it to communicate with other goons: a strange black, gleaming growth stretching from the mouth to the ear. Using this organ, the Goon can disable dozens of victims in a single night.

Today's feis kontrol goon is a fascinating study of evolution in action. From the crude, primitive ferocity of the flathead emerged today's sleek, imperious Goon, a magnificent predator and classic symbol of the Putinid Era.