Articles

Field Guide To Moscow: Mayonnaisus Infinitas

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Mayonnaisus Infinitas

Housewife

Distinguishing Features: Super DDD+ underwire suspension bra; never far from a gallon tub of domestic mayonnaise; Chinese-made tapochki.

Habitat: Small kitchens in un-remonted apartments throughout Moscow. The Mayonnaisus Infinitas is one of the most common species in the city.

Danger if Provoked: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas has little natural fear of outsiders, and is easily tamed with a box of Krasnyi Oktyabr chocolates or a bottle of Massandra wine. However, it is highly protective of its young, and will often subject prospective boyfriends to long conversations about wallpaper designs and the relative merits of shopping at outdoor markets vs. western-style supermarkets.

Mortal Weaknesses: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas worries that its larva will never transform from tall and thin beauties into the mature Mayonnaisus Infinitas, and therefore insists on heaping mayonnaise on everything from fresh vegetables to pasta dishes in hopes of speeding the transition. Serving colorless food fried in cheap sunflower oil is another tactic it commonly employs.

Comments: The Mayonnaisus Infinitas rarely sleeps, and spends all waking hours making mayonnaise-based concoctions while Mexican soaps drone in the background. It is overprotective of its young, constantly nagging them about their non-existent coughs, the need to protect against drafts, and the proper level of attire on any given day. Such behavior is based less on a sincere desire to protect its offspring than a physical need to instill a guilt complex in its offspring. This is also done with a series of traps, such as setting a series of curfews that it knows will be broken, in order to make the offspring feel like they, rather than the artery-blocking diet, are responsible for the Mayonnaisus Infinitas' heart problems.

Field Guide To Moscow: Churkius Indenturedservitudius

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Churkius Indenturedservitudius

Uzbek Gasterbeiter

Distinguishing Features: Dirty workman uniform, weary eyes, papirosy, sandals. Emaciated. Squats to conserve energy.

Habitat: Construction sites. Above ground during the day, sleeping in crammed basement at night.

Danger if Provoked: Low. Churkius Indenturedservitudius is extremely meek due to his lack of legal status, overwork for low pay, and fear of going back to an even worse situation in Uzbekistan. If given cheap vodka, however, danger increases.

Mortal Weaknesses: Vulnerable to militia sweeps when local precinct chief needs to buy his lyubovnitsa a new Ford Focus; not getting paid by his boss; hunger pangs; exhaustion.

Comments: Churkius Indenturedservitudius has been losing territory to rival species from Tadjikistan, Churkius Muleius, thanks in part to Uzbek leader Karimov's anti-Russian policies and Tadjikistan's pro-Russia colony status.

Field Guide To Moscow: Chinovnikus Avaritia

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Chinovnikus Avaritia

Russian Bureaucrat

Distinguishing Features: Pasty hairdo; fleshy face and fat fingers; expensive suit material poorly cut; beady, bloodshot eyes; loud voice. Sly grin when you offer to settle a matter 'po chelovecheski.

Habitat: His dilapidated office. Expensive restaurants. Dachas.

Danger if Provoked: Extremely high. Warning! Chinovnikus Avaritia is extremely sensitive to every minor Russian law, code and regulation, unless he is appeased with gifts. Furthermore, he does not like foreigners, unless they offer gifts.

Mortal Weaknesses: Vulnerable to periodic anti-corruption drives; jealous subordinates; sometimes victim if his boss is aligned with a 'wrong faction.

Comments: Chinovnikus Avaritia has only one role, and that is to cause problems for other inhabitants, problems which only he can solve. Once problem is 'solved,' he will in time create another problem, which will be even more expensive to 'solve.

Field Guide To Moscow: Prodavschitsia Climacteria

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Prodavschitsia Climacteria

Produkty Store Clerk

Distinguishing Features: 30 year old woman who looks 60; fat, angry face, gingivitis; heavy makeup; ugly mole; hair bleached three months ago; frilly apron; permanent scowl.

Habitat: Behind counters and cashier windows of any establishment where cash changes hands; prevalent where food, vodka, Chinese electronics, and other necessities are available.

Danger if Provoked: Medium. If you do not have exact change, Prodavschitsia Climacteria will often refuse to accept your money or force you to buy cheap candy to cover the difference.

Mortal Weaknesses: Still dreaming of a prince on a white horse who will carry her away from the produkty.

Comments: Like crows and pigeons, Prodavschitsia Climacteria is a highly adaptable, essential part of the harsh Moscow ecosystem. Thanks to conservation efforts, she will continue to thrive.

Field Guide To Moscow: Onagus Khayastanicus

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Onagus Khayastanicus

Caucasian Taxi Driver

Distinguishing Features: Speaks with nearly unintelligible accent, and punctuates sentences with definite article 'blya.' Rasping cough from smoking 4 packs of Russkii Stil' a day. Apparent death wish manifested in driving habits.

Habitat: Behind the steering wheels of Moscow gypsy cabs. Squatting in a circle of other cab drivers outside of bars, restaurants and train stations.

Danger if Provoked: High. Even though dimunitive in size, angering the species with talk of Caucuses politics may result in his already-reckless driving style becoming suicidal. Do not, under any circumstances, suggest an alternative route.

Mortal Weaknesses: Poor knowledge of Moscow road system can result in agreeing to drive out to Mozhaisk for 150 rubles.

Comments: This species densely populates urban Moscow. Despite poor familiarity with Moscow roads, he has encyclopedic knowledge of tochki, which he will happily share with you.

Field Guide To Moscow: Asinus Vasallus

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Asinus Vasallus

Gay Novikov Restaurant Waiter

Distinguishing Features: Thin, hurried, young, with fashionably messy hair and androgynous boutique clothes; always rushing about; permanent snarl.

Habitat: All high-priced Novikov restaurants, and other establishments which try to immitate his restaurants. As yet, no Asinus Vasallus has been spotted in the wild.

Danger if Provoked: Zero. Asinus Vasallus will sneer at you no matter who you are or how you treat him.

Mortal Weaknesses: Asinus Vasallus, although physically slight, is protected by the fact that the homophobic Russian clientelle has absolutely no idea that their waiter is gay, because so are all of their favorite pop stars.

Comments: Was thought to have gone extinct sometime after the Revolution, but has recently staged a comeback, thanks in part to the preservation efforts of Dutch and German tourists.

Field Guide To Moscow: Brevis Capillus

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Brevis Capillus

Moscow Office Manager

Distinguishing Features: Short hairdo style cut at a second-rate parikmakherskaya; business suit; stern expression underneath layers of makeup; late 20s, but looks like a 35-year-old who looks good for her age; divorced with one child.

Habitat: Demokratichny cafes after work; Che, Propaganda, and Real McCoy's when they really want to get laid.

Danger if Provoked: High. Brevis Capillus has been on edge ever since she realized her former husband was not a prince on a white stallion. Men who take her home but don't call her back can expect to get an earfull. Young pretty girls who work in her office can expect to get harassed and eventually fired.

Mortal Weaknesses: Flowers and compliments. She always falls for a man who offers to take her to Hurgada for a week.

Field Guide To Moscow: Aequoris Capitus

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Aequoris Capitus

The Okhranik

Distinguishing Features: Large, perfectly flat head; usually wears a dark suit and keeps thick hands in front of his stomach, close to pistol; high-tech earpiece; fond of saying '?? ????!'

Habitat: Lobbies; in front of club entrances; passenger seat of expensive cars with sirens.

Danger if Provoked: Extremely high. Aequoris Capitus is highly sensitive to the slightest provocation, especially violations of his private space by other male species. Use utmost caution.

Mortal Weaknesses: Short Jewish businessmen with cash.

Comments: While Aequoris Caputis may not have specific fighting skills, he more than makes up for this with sheer thickness of body and mind. His rank in the pack is based on denying access to whatever he's protecting to as many people as possible.

Field Guide To Moscow: Sudoris Calvitium

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Sudoris Calvitium

Jewish Businessman

Distinguishing features: Short, sweaty, bald; head slumped forward; expensive fashionable clothing masking unimpressive physique; loud hacking cough.

Habitat: Once widely distributed, currently only found in London, First Class lounge in Sheremetyevo-2, and Matrosska Tishina.

Danger if Provoked: Was once thought to be high. Then packs of siloviki intruded on Sudoris Calvitium’s territory, wiping out or expelling most of the ancient herds.

Mortal Weaknesses: Tall Slavic blond women.

Comments: Scientists are still debating the sudden and alarming decline of Sudoris Calvitium. While many attribute their declining population to global warming, others blame the re-introduction of packs of siloviki for nearly wiping them out.

Field Guide To Moscow: Exactora Minuta

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Exactora Minuta

Trolleybus Conductor

Distinguishing features: Orange vest, cheap knit hat, valenki, badly nourished hair cut short and often dyed purple or yellow; holding tickets and small change. Thick body mass evolved in order to allow Exactora Minuta to push through crowds.

Habitat: A seat usually next to the middle trolleybus door. No Exactora Minuta has ever been spotted off of a trolleybus, although migratory habits suggest she comes from podmoskovie.

Danger if Provoked: High. Passengers who are caught without exact change might get hissed at, as will young passengers who don’t yet have that dour, defeated trolleybus expression.

Mortal Weaknesses: Romance novels. All Exactora Minuta really wants to do is sit in the elektrichka and read about a girl getting raped by some dark, handsome Brazilian villian.

Comments: Exactora Minuta’s continued and unfettered existence, unchanged from the Soviet era from which she evolved, is a testament to her hearty and durable nature. In fact, many scientists now believe that if a nuclear holocaust were to occur, Exactora Minuta would not only survive, she would probably thrive, since every last surviving human would finally acquire that trolleybus facial expression that Exactora Minuta relishes.

Field Guide To Moscow: Meretrica Provincialis

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Meretrica Provincialis

Manezh Mall Rat

Distinguishing features: 15-year-old teenie bopper from the edge of Moscow who tries to look like she's a 23-year-old kept moll. Excessive make-up applied badly, fake designer jeans and t-shirts that promote clothing labels she clearly can't afford. Is usually extremely attractive in a trashy, Jersey-by-way-of-Moscow way.

Habitat: Manezh mall all year around, the Manezh fountain during summertime since she is drawn to fountains like moths to light.

Danger if Provoked: Potential unwanted pregnancy. If you approach Meretrica Provincialis and provoke her in any way, she will likely get drunk and have unprotected sex with you.

Mortal Weaknesses: Ice cream; lunch money; men three times their age who are willing to buy them something in Froggy or Mexx.

Comments: Metetrica Provincialis comes to the Manezh from one of the massive decaying outer-Moscow residential projects. She strolls all day in the three-level mall, shops but doesn't buy anything, and hopes to get noticed by a potential suitor.

Field Guide To Moscow: Corruptoris Lardum

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Corruptoris Lardum

The Gaishnik

Distinguishing features: Fleshy face with red splotches in the complexion from a combination of a starch-heavy diet and excessive drinking. Body seems to be in Baron Harkonnen-like inflated suit as Corruptoris Lardum strides slowly in the middle of traffic. Special wrist-flick used to flag down potential cash cows.

Danger if Provoked: Extremely high. Anyone in a clean foreign car without government plates or a migalka is bound to provoke Corruptoris Lardum into a feeding frenzy. There is also a great danger if Corruptoris Lardum is not provoked, and to drivers who make the mistake of looking at him when passing by.

Mortal Weaknesses: Merc jeeps that confidently speed around downtown Moscow at 200km/hr. Pensioners in old Moskvitches.

Comments: Corruptoris Lardum spends most of his waking hours feeding on the bountiful nutrients offered up by Moscow’s increasingly upscale automobilists. It is estimated that he needs to eat at least 20 500 ruble notes per day just to stay fat.

Field Guide To Moscow: Aeternus Infortunium

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Aeternus Infortunium

Jackpot Troll

Distinguishing features: Squinty eyes, heavy scowl, pale complexion from spending all day at the slot machine betting 3 cents per hit. Often smells of sweat, vodka and urine.

Danger if Provoked: High to Extremely High. Since he inevitably loses, Aeternus Infortunium is in constant need of nutrition, in the form of 10 ruble notes, to keep playing the slots. If he runs out, and you show notes, he will introduce himself. If, in the rare chance, he wins, he will feel like a god and possibly thrash the first person he sees just to celebrate.

Mortal Weaknesses: Flashing lights on kiosk jackpot halls; dark interiors; sounds of bells ringing.

Comments: Infortunium’s numbers have been swelling, as the local environment has changed due to the introduction of Jackpot slots halls. While none of this species has ever been seen mating, it is assumed by biologists that the breeding is done very quickly, violently, and usually behind kiosks.

Field Guide To Moscow: Garrulus Garrulus

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Garrulus Garrulus

Bearded Intelligentsia

Distinguishing features: Shaggy beard and hair so authentic you know that they do it out of necessity rather than irony. Shitty button-down shirts, and most importantly, shitty sandals. They always wear shitty sandals.

Habitat: Any Project OGI, Gogol, or other cheap cafe-restaurant serving sovok food with an intellectual veneer. Kitchens.

Danger if Provoked: Moderate to high. If you ask about anything from politics to literature to the weather, you will be subjected to a six-hour discourse on every subject under the moon, infused with deductive reasoning the likes of which has not been seen or heard since the days of the Toga. Moreover, you will be asked to buy him 100g of vodka every 30 minutes, and you will be told that it is "normal" for a person to buy a bearded intellectual vodka, as well as pickled cucumbers, in order to reward his genius.

Mortal Weaknesses: Halyava.

Comments: Garrulus Garrulus tends to avoid expats because he believes they're not just vulgar, but stingy.

Field Guide To Moscow: Arbusius Azerbaijanius

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Arbusius Azerbaijanius

Street Produce Seller

Distinguishing features: More precious metals in his mouth than in a Norilsk mineshaft. Balding, pouch-bellied, shirt unbuttoned to reveal chest-wig.

Habitat: Side streets throughout Moscow.

Danger if Provoked: Low to moderate. Arbusus Azerbaijanus does not want to attract predators, so while migrating north in Moscow, he prefers to quietly jilt his customers.

Mortal Weaknesses: Tall Slavic girls (see :"Jewish Businessman").

Comments: Evolved from same family tree as the Caucasian Taxi Driver and Caucasian Pimp, Arbusus Azerbaijanus is a much gentler species who has developed a symbiotic relationship with militsius corruptus which allows him to survive predators from the xenophobius russkius species.

Field Guide To Moscow: Cashilokius Nongayicus

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Cashilokius Nongayicus

Male Purse Holder

Distinguishing features: Authentic Gucci gear from Cherkizovsky Rynok, former sportsmen, purse.

Habitat: Exchange booths, near expensive cars that may or may not belong to them, notary publics.

Danger if Provoked: High. Nobody can be completely sure what he keeps in the purse, but it probably ain’t tampoons.

Mortal Weaknesses: Supermarkets that make you check your bags.

Comments: The Cashilokius Nongayicus has defied predictions of extinction and continues to thrive throughout Moscow and the regions. With all his documents stored conveniently in his purse, he is able conduct biznes at a moment’s notice.

Field Guide To Moscow: Pigmenteria Ubiquita

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Pigmenteria Ubiquita

Middle-Aged Intellegentsia

Distinguishing features: Over 45, thick formless figure (if large mammaries don't count), big hair set in a high bun, heavy face paint, still dressed in slightly shabby late-Perestroika chic, abundance of ornate fake jewelry.

Habitat: Concert halls, theaters, art galleries, banquet halls celebrating faded estrada stars.

Danger if Provoked: High. If the Pigmentaria Ubiquita believes that you are trying to cut in the line for free Sovietskoye Shampanskoe she will make a cutting remark couched in Aesopian language. If you miss the reference, she will give you a Medusa stare.

Mortal Weaknesses: Having her name mentioned during a long toast given by a once semi-famous Soviet estrada star.

Field Guide To Moscow: Vox Omninonpopuli

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Vox Omninonpopuli

Westernized Politician

Distinguishing features: Tailored suits that actually fit; Euro-spectacles; ties knotted correctly; hair that is washed daily; squeaky way of speaking English; laptop with PowerPoint.

Habitat: Ren-TV; Ekho Moskvy; trendy restaurants; Davos; Spaso House.

Danger if Provoked: Medium. Vox Omninonpopuli has more bark than bite. If provoked by Kremlin authoritarian moves, it will register its displeasure with the Western media, which will temporarily lead to predictions of doom. But a simple threat to relocate it from its natural Rublevko habitat to a khrushebka has an uncanny calming effect.

Mortal Weaknesses: Western journalists; open positions on boards of major finance, oil and industrial companies; interest-free loans.

Field Guide To Moscow: Mangius Heroicus

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Mangius Heroicus

Metro Stray Dog

Distinguishing Features:Mange, limp, folded ears, abused cower, overcrowded flea settlements, ability to anticipate kicks from far mangier metro workers, often curled up and sleeping with nose tucked under hind leg during daylight hours. Never alone.

Habitat:Near heating vents in metro stations, near the backs of kiosks where they might get scraps of food, bottoms of metro escalators, infrequently riding the metro.

Danger if Provoked:Medium. Mangius Heroicus avoids all possible conflict with humans during working hours. However in the late evening/early morning hours, Mangius Heroicus can bear its teeth and possibly even attempt to turn a stumbling drunk human into nature-show pack-feast material.

Mortal Weakness:Babushki with scraps, trash cans behind kiosks, dead rats, busy multiple-lane intersections which appear to be temporarily empty.

Field Guide To Moscow: Signum Khoholus

Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:09:50 -0700

Signum Khoholus

African Doorman

Distinguishing Features: Athletic build, ill-fitting, cheap ethnic costume that's not native to Africa, dark-skinned, beaten down expression.

Habitat: A wide spectrum of mid-priced Moscow restaurants, including Korchma Taras Bulba, Bochka, La Cantina. Signum Khokholus is closely related to the more highly evolved Spirtom Nalitum (African Barman), who can be found serving drinks at elitny clubs and restaurants and appears to enjoy himself.

Danger if Provoked: Low. The Signum Khokholus' patience is legendary, and it has been known to endure up to five years of ridicule at the hands of drunk, racist Russians without cracking, while even managing to graciously open the door every time a new party arrives.

Mortal Weakness: Russian girls, foreigners who speak English to them,