|Vlad's Daily Gloat|
Vlad's Daily Gloat
For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
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Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
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VLAD'S DAILY GLOAT
I was preparing to begin today's Daily Gloat about retarded maniac George Bush telling the United States of Dumbfucks that the war in Iraq is "worth it," but then a reader with a French-sounding name, Gilles, linked me to the funniest story of the year: An American woman in Arizona is reported to offer a guy a blowjob for gas money!
A Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office spokesman says 43-year-old Kelli Still appeared at the home of an acquaintance near University Drive and Ellsworth Road. Deputies claim Still intended to barter oral sex for gas money. Instead, Still is accused of using a pair of scissors to stab Michael Hamilton several times.
What happened to the country that is the "world's only superpower"? In just a couple of years you went from "world's policemen" to "world's clowns" to your new role as "world's train station whores." For guys like me, or French people like Gilles, or just about anybody on this planet who hates your dumbfuck guts, you give us free comedy entertainment every day. And if I am eating a business lunch and I decide, "I think I want my dick sucked now," then I know that I only need to call up some American woman, offer her gas money, which for people who earn money in real currencies like the Euro or Ruble, gasoline is not all that expensive, so that means a blowjob from an American woman is also just pocket change for us.
When deputies arrived, both Still and Hamilton were bloody. Still was eventually booked in the 4th Avenue Jail on aggravated assault charges.
AMERICAN MOVIE STARS TEACH FRIGHTENED PUBLIC HOW TO EARN GAS MONEY
Really, don't you Americans even have one drop of dignity? It hurts to live in an empire that is collapsing, but jesus christ man, you have to have just one little tiny milligram of dignity. No, that's asking too much of you pigs.
The story is the perfect snapshot of America today: sucking a dick for a tank of gasoline, then she attacked the john with some scissors because that is all Americans know how to do: either on their knees sucking a dick, or with a knife trying to kill you. What a bunch of fucking animals, we should sterilize you freaks. The end of this story is perfect: the dick-sucker is now in jail, and the whole world is laughing at her, just like we laugh at the loser America.
AS MCCAIN LEARNS TO SWALLOW HUGE LOADS OF GAS MONEY CUM, HIS POPULARITY SOARS AMONG DICK-SUCKING AMERICAN PUBLIC
And I thought it was funny when the bloodthirsty retard George Bush told his retarded countrymen that the 5-year war in Iraq is "worth it," and the man is not attacked by angry mobs and set on fire. No mobs, because Americans are too passive, too brainwashed, too peasant-like to argue with a bloodthirsty son of an oligarch. That is good for me, good for Russia, good for France, good for the entire world that does not want your fucking presence. Thank you for continuing your self-destruction in Iraq, dumbfuckers! That means you will keep going down the toilet, piece by piece, into the sewer of history where you belong. I only wonder how long the smell you made will linger.
Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.
Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.
Clubbing Adventures Through Time
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.
The Fortnight Spin
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.
Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.
War Nerd Summer Reading Guide
It’s summer, you’ve got a little more time off, so you can read up on war instead of trying to live in whatever boring suburb you live in. Lawns, neighbors, dogs, kids—it all sucks and the best thing you can do is get as far out of it as you can.