|Vlad's Daily Gloat|
Vlad's Daily Gloat
For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
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VLAD'S DAILY GLOAT
Today I came to the office in a pretty good mood. It is not only because of the pleasure I get watching every day the collapse of the corrupt American empire, but also because my personal email has started to function (firstname.lastname@example.org). I have received an enormous amount of letters just in the first day. All of your letters cheered me up, especially the angry Americans crying like helpless pigs stuck in shit. But I was most cheerfully surprised by the number of letters from European readers who tell me they share exactly my pleasure in watching America go to shit. Even some Americans agree-- they tell me they feel the exact same way. Everybody is so fucking sick of America, and so happy to see it eating shit, it is like watching the Nazi regime die, only American collapse is purely comical, puts a smile on all of the world's faces, whereas the end of the Nazi regime was very painful and bloody at least for Russia, since we had to defeat Nazis singlehandedly, with only the minimum help from timid sleazy American and English allies.
"PLEASE, NO MORE REALITY, MY AMERICAN PEA-BRAIN CANNOT HANDLE IT!"
So many people are so sick of American arrogance, hypocrisy, and bloodthirsty militarism, that we all are feeling a real deep and extremely satisfying pleasure watching every day this savage retarded empire collapsing. Think about this, American dumbfucks, when you read my blog -- you may think you are angry, but really you are afraid, because you know you pushed everyone around for so long, treating the world as your own, bombing who you want and forcing the world to bend to your ways. You know it is true, and you know that the chickens are coming home to roost. You know that everyone everywhere is laughing at you, and waiting to get a turn to kick you in your head as you buckle under. Try to say your favorite "We're Number One!" cheer now, losers! Say it while we kick you in your retarded thick head!
One of my favorite letters is a funny letter (actually Exile editor thought it was real 14-year-old American girl) from a very upset reader, who wrote a style of some immigrant's Russian. Here is my translation:
"As an American 14 year old girl, You made me even more ashamed of my country. I agree with almost all of your articles. My favorite, however, was your article about teenager girls, who are sexually diseased. I would write more but I have to leave to catch a bad case of herpes.
(Original below to see the almost-good Russian):
Also, don't hesitate to correct my Russian." (Zoe)
Как американская четырнадцатилетняя девочка, Вы сделали меня даже больше стыдящийся моей страны. Я соглашаюсь почти со всеми вашими статьями. Мой фаворит, однако, был бы вашей статьей относительно девочек - подростков, которые являются больными неряхами. Я напечатал бы больше, но я выхожу получать противный случай герпеса! Спасибо.
Why this letter put me in such a good mood, is the Russian style is very clearly that of immigrant from one of Russia's former colonies. I think a Balt or a Moldavian or a Polack who 15 years ago abandoned one master who was wounded, and ran to another master, The United States, and thought he was a clever slave. Now all of these immigrants who formerly licked Russia's boots faces the worst nightmare of all treacherous slaves--he sees that his new master, who he put all of his peasant hopes in, turns out to be the biggest loser of the 21st century! Underneath the obvious sarcasm, there is very serious humiliation and especially fear that a slave feels when seeing his mighty master reduced to the status of some Third World laughingstock. The lackey is afraid because he knows he mocked and kicked Russia once he was safely hiding behind America's legs, and he never expected Russia to stand up again, and he never dreamed it was possible that his great master America was really so weak and so stupid. Now what will happen when his new Master cannot protect him against Russia? How will Russia treat him? Will Russia remember every cruel slight, every savage move to isolate and dismember and humiliate Russia, and impoverish Russia, and dictate to Russia? Will we remember everything?
Кроме того, не стесняйтесь исправлять мой русский язык.
AND THE PIG SQUEALS NO MORE*
That is a very good question. Russians are an Orthodox Christian nation, and we believe in forgiveness. But we are human too. I do not think any culture treated as Russia was treated for the last 20 years can possibly forgive everything. Only Jesus Christ could do that.
*Note: it was Jesus who said it is okay to eat pork!
Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.
Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."
Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.
Clubbing Adventures Through Time
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.
The Fortnight Spin
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.
13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...