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Russophobe June 15, 2007
ROVING RUSSOPHOBE: Is HOMO what OMON sees in the mirror?
Sexual Hangups in Russia’s Paramilitary?

The balmy weather; the long evenings and short skirts; and hearing Putin threaten to aim nuclear missiles at European cities - I'd almost begun liking Russia over the past few weeks. But, there to restore my faith in the practice of Russophobia were the OMON. Their performance over the last two months has been exceptional.

First there was the Dissenters' March, where a few hundred sorry individuals - mostly aged under 21 or over 50 - gathered to express the fact they didn't really like Putin. Up step the OMON, to dish out random arrests and the occasional beating to anyone that happened to catch their eye or be wearing a subversive T-shirt. Next was the Estonian Embassy protest, when hundreds of vile, unwashed provincial youth turned up, hurled abuse and missiles at the wall, danced around in Nazi uniforms, and vandalised the Swedish ambassador's car (Sweden, Estonia, what's the difference?) the OMON were there in their hundreds and did... nothing.

But my favorite OMONity over recent weeks is without doubt the gay march. To call it a march would be a little overstated - basically it was a few dozen queers who wanted to politely mince down Tverskaya to hand over a letter (probably written in pink ink) to Moscow's bi-curious mayor Yury Luzhkov. OMON, of course, was out in force, to make sure the gay plague didn't spread. So, it was several detachments of OMON, plus white supremacists and orthodox babushkas, against a few Russian queers, the man who sang "I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt" and now spends his life playing at university balls and E-list clubs in England, and a couple of gay German MPs.

Of course, the inevitable ensued. The gays got punched by the white supremacists, and the OMON moved in... to arrest the gays. The British human rights activists complained that their constitutional rights to take it up the arse were being threatened; and the Eurofag MPs went back bloody-nosed to Germany, where the fight for gay rights is more at the stage of "We demand the right to teach primary school children about different rimming techniques" than "We demand the right not to be simultaneously insulted, beaten up and arrested by riot police."

The homophobia, of course, goes well beyond the OMON and the Orthodox faithful. And this isn't the casual, Western "I think the idea of bumsex is a bit weird, but if they really want to be perverts let's make sure they do it in a dark room well away from my kids" variety of homophobia. This is a full-on, "They are Satanic and should be exterminated by any means possible, the more violent the better" brand. One well-educated colleague told me how the gays were doing the whole human rights movement a disservice by pretending their perverted desires somehow equaled human rights. "They should build a faggot GULAG and send them all there," said another, rather more succinctly.

Leonid Brezhnev showing why he ruled over a country which sent gays to prison

Even the politically correct terminology in Russian is absurd - "people of non-traditional orientation." You can't really get much more traditional than anal sex. Everyone's been at it back to the ancient Greeks and before.

All this bile and hatred is pretty amazing given the fact that Moscow is more infested with gays than even Yury Luzhkov could imagine in his worse nightmares. Just go to any establishment from the even-slightly-elitny cafe to the most exclusive club, and the entire male staff will be of dubious sexuality. It's always amazed me, where do the thousands of barmen and waiters with nifty little haircuts and tight T-shirts come from?

How, in a matter of ten years, did these people who were presumably born Adidas-wearing, spotty provincial hooligans, turn into mincing little queers? Clearly, somewhere in Moscow there is a university where anyone can take a course in how to gain ambiguous sexuality. I reckon it's called the Institute Metrosexualistov imeni D. Bilana. They go in as provincial gopniks, ready to take up positions as trolleybus drivers or plumbers, and they come out coiffed and manicured and ready to look disdainfully at guests while offering shockingly bad service in upmarket Moscow restaurants.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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