The eXile is proud to present the 2007 Asscademy Awards ceremony, in which we honor the top talents in the global terror industry, all the leading lights and shining stars who have helped make this LWOT (that's "Long War On Terror" for those of you who aren't acronym-savvy) the best LWOT the world has ever known. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of the year to announce our winners of the coveted Golden ASScar, the trophy made of genuine rare dingleberry-plated casing that is the dream of every man, woman, and child - be they black, be they white, be they Jewish, be they, ah, be they yellow, green or purple... Or be they gay! Let's not forget gay people, since we have a gay host tonight!
In choosing our winners, the members of the ASScademy want the world to know that we are completely color blind. Our only consideration is the talent and heart and enthusiasm that these people bring to the LWOT. The only exception to this rule is Pakistanis - we really can't stand Pakistanis. Sorry, but that country really is a shit-hole, and we'd like to ask all people of Pakistani origin to please leave the auditorium, or our security will drag them out by their feet and strike them with long bamboo sticks.
Okay, so are all the Pakistanis out of the auditorium? Good. Now, ladies and gentlemen, what makes the 2007 ASScademy Awards so special, and so celebrated, is that anyone can win. Truly anyone. Come follow us through a video tour of the Faces Of Terror, the Everybodies who embody this magical world...
[MUSIC BY JOHN WILLIAMS, SCREEN LOWERS TO SHOW ASSCADEMY PROMO VIDEO]
Whether it's the plain-spoken President leading his country through difficult times...
[CUT TO: Montage of President Bush poking his head out of a Nebraska bunker on 9/11, looking terrified, before spotting our camera, smiling, waving, and ducking fearfully back into the bunker...]
...Or the simple Shia Health Ministry worker enjoying the fruits of liberty...
[CUT TO: A black-turban-clad, bearded Iraqi militant--drilling his fifth hole into the right eyeball of a Sunni woman strapped into a chair--before spotting our camera, smiling, waving, only to have his drill slip deep into the woman's sinus since he forgot to turn the drill off while looking at our camera, sending him falling down to the floor while the drill spins out of control on her face, unleashing a chain of slapstick hijinx that makes even the Sunni woman howl with something like laughter, revealing a raw bloody mouth with dangling roots...]
...Or the intrepid foreign correspondent fulfilling his duty to society as the beacon of the Fourth Estate, keeping a check on government's unlimited power...
Michael Gordon: Lifting ass for war!
[CUT TO: We see the back of New York Times' correspondent Michael Gordon's head bobbing up on down on Vice President Dick Cheney's lap, before Gordon suddenly spots our camera, turns around, wipes his mouth, smiles and waves at us...Cheney roughly shoves Gordon's head back down into his crotch, grinning on one side of his mouth to our camera while waving with his free hand...we fade out as Gordon, holding a document marked "CLASSIFIED" continues bobbing his head up and down...]
...Or the well-meaning 20-something European backpacker reaching out to cultures less fortunate, yet more authentic, than the oppressive consumerist Western cultures they left behind...
[CUT TO: a pair of drably-dressed Western European hippies on a Southern Philippines island just as they're about to have their heads cut off by machete-wielding terrorists, when suddenly they turn to our camera and smile, waving, along with their Abu Sayaf executioners, who smile and give our camera a thumbs-up...and make a joke by drawing their thumbs across their necks, causing everyone, including the European hippies, to laugh and nudge each other playfully...]
...Yes, everyone has their little part in LWOT. And now ladies and gentlemen, to honor our great global war, meet our host for this evening's ceremonies: the talented, controversial, groundbreaking comedian and entertainer, a woman so excruciatingly bland that she's single-handedly responsible for recruiting entire battalions of Al Qaeda sleeper cells, as well as a generation of young American men willing to do anything, including dying in Iraq, just to get out of the country that makes her an omnipresent television star...will you please give a warm welcome to the lovely... Ellen DeGeneres! She's gay by the way, so make sure you welcome her warmly for the cameras...You know, to show that you're cool with her being gay.
[LOUD, THUNDERING APPLAUSE]
DEGENERES: Wow, thank you. Really! Thank you so much. No, thank you. Please...wow, I really didn't...thank you. Whoo. I'm so excited to be here. Woo-hoo. I mean, look at me, ma! I'm the host of the Asscademy Awards. Woo-hoo! Did you ever think I'd be here, huh ma?
I mean, who would have thought that a gay entertainer would be able to...
...we've really come far, haven't we? Like for example, if I just say the word... "Gay"!
Wow, thank you! Thank you so much. Really, thank you. This is really exciting. Okay, okay, we have a big show tonight. Now, I know that last year, the host for the ASScademy Awards Ceremony was an African American ...
...Danny Glover, a good friend of mine ...Which only shows how far humanity has come. Wow! So, it's great to be here in Washington DC. Yeah, they say DC is to the Terror Industry what the Castro District is to the Gay Industry.
[THUNDERING APPLAUSE, STANDING OVATION]
...Okay! So, let's bring it down a bit, we have a big show tonight. Yeah, so you probably didn't know this, but this isn't my first time hosting a terror contest. No, really, I'm not new to this whole LWOT thing at all. I was brought out to Camp X-Ray in Guantanamo Bay to help our men and women in the armed services interrogate some terrorists. Yeah, this was a couple of months ago.
Yeah, well, I do my part. So anyway, I go out to Camp X-Ray, and I talk to this one guy, Khaleed something or other - hey, why do Arab terrorists have names that, when you pronounce them, it sounds like my cat Grover when he has a fur ball in his throat.
[MILD RIPPLE OF LAUGHTER, SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS MUMBLE UNEASILY]
Grover my cat...
[LOUD APPLAUSE, APPROVING HOOTS]
Anyway, so I ask this Khhhhaleed what his deal is, you know. Like, "Why are you a terrorist, huh?" And he says, "I am fighting for freedom for Islam." And I go, all right, okay, that's fine. So I talk to another guy, Akhmed or something, and he says, "I'm a warrior for Allah, and I will fight to liberate our lands from the infidels." So now at this point, I'm starting to feel pretty bad about myself. Like, god, my life is so meaningless! I mean the only thing I'll fight for is the last carton of Ben & Jerry's.
[FAINT LAUGHTER, UNEASY MUMBLING]
That, or my dental dams. Because I'm gay.
Okay, so back to Camp X-Ray. So these guys, you know, they're so committed, and I'm so...shallow. So then finally one of the prisoners says - well first the Blackwater interrogators pull this guy's head out of the tub of ice water, force him to look at me, and this terrorist guy, he catches his breath and says, "Hey, what about you Ellen, what are you fighting for?" And I just tell them, "Um...I'm gay?"
But he didn't hear it, because the interrogators already dunked his head back down into the ice water! So the joke was on him!
No because seriously, if you're gay, you can get away with anything. Including participating in some coercive interrogations. Man, that was fun! Thanks Blackwater! It's great, really. I mean, you should have seen the look on those prisoners' faces! Especially after we pulled them out of the freezer-container interrogation bunkers. Talk about Abominable Snowmen!
Seriously, I mean, hey, it's Christmas time in Gitmo all year around! Rudoph! Dancer! Prancer! Vix...en...
[QUIET LAUGHTER, DYING DOWN TO COUGHING]
Uh, yeah. So, speaking of coercion, what ever happened to Lynndie England? You remember her? Boy, say what you will about this girl, but she had sex appeal. I mean whoa, momma, what would I give to dry hump her camos while she's electrocuting a terrorist's genitals. Whoa, I'm getting weak in the knees just thinking about it! Someone get me my dental dams! Hurry!
[NERVOUS COUGHING...One audience member yells "Too soon!"]
Who said that? Who said "Too soon!"?
[CAMERA PANS AROUND, NOTHING COMES UP]
All right, we'll get back to you later. So, where was I? Oh, yeah. No but seriously, what ever happened to Lynndie England? Did she...go to England or something? ... I mean, what's with her last name? Is she American or English? "Allo, I'm Lynndie English and I say 'arse' instead of 'ass.'" You know? England? But she's American? Huh?
[QUIET, COUGHING; another audience member yells "Too soon!"]
Um, right. So...moving on. What about this whole "Surge" thing that President Bush is trying to get going in Iraq, huh?
[MILD APPLAUSE. Camera spots Bush in audience. He smiles and waves at the camera, thinking that it's positive.]
Yeah, "Surge." I thought Bush was talking about me, since I like wearing men's clothes. So I'm listening to his speech, and I'm thinking, "Hey, Mr. President, I may look like a 'Serge' but in fact, I'm an Ellen." Huh? Am I right, people?
[NO RESPONSE. Some say "oo." One yells "Too soon!"]
Hey! I'm gay, goddamnit!
Right, good. So, you people are a great audience. I'm really happy to be here hosting this show. Now, let's get started with the awards, shall we?
Our first category of the 2007 Long War On Terror ASScademy Awards is Best Costume Design. The nominees for this category are...The Mahdi Army, all-black with matching beard, Moqtar Al-Sadr designer...The Inconspicuous White Car Packed With Explosives Heading Into A Baghdad Market, design by 1 Billion Muslims...and Louise Golden, ironically scandalous Burqa Chic fashion show in London... And the winner is...The Resurgent Taliban! For putting heavy mascara underneath their eyes! Design by Mullah Omar!
[Mullah Omar jumps up from his seat but nearly falls over, pumps his fists, kisses his top commanders, bows onto the floor and kisses it, then hops on one leg up to the stage...]
MULLAH OMAR [Clutching his ASScar]: Wow man, I don't know who to start with...first, I want to thank the ISI for believing and sticking by me even in the worst times. Even if they don't let Pakistanis into the audience tonight, I know you're here with me. And...oh, sorry, I'm about to cry. [Wipes eyes] I would also like to thank President George W. Bush for completely fucking up the war in Afghanistan, thereby giving me a chance to re-introduce my costume designs to a new generation. It's so exciting! [APPLAUSE. CAMERA PANS ON BUSH, WHO SMILES AND WAVES DUMBLY.] And lastly, I'd like to thank Allah, without whom...[Chokes up...clutches his ASScar, hugs Ellen Degeneres] I'm sorry, man, I can't...I'm verklempt!...
DEGENERES: Won't you all give a big hand to Mullah Omar! Wow, that was moving. And what great mascara those guys use. Hey, I guess I'm not the only gender-bender out here, huh? Those Pushtun!
DEGENERES: Why aren't there Pushtun tribes for dykes, huh?
DEGENERES: No, you think I'm joking, but I'm not.
The Right Brothers: delivering your Domino's Square Pizza with Extra NeoCon Sauce
DEGENERES: Forget it. And speaking of moving moments, we now move on to our next category. A lighter category. It's "Best Comedic Song or Musical Parody," and this is always a favorite. Will you please welcome, playing live for us tonight...The Right Brothers, with their smash comedy single, "Bush Was Right"!
[Crane-cam swoops down on the Right Brothers, singing live on stage]
"Freedom in Afghanistan, say goodbye Taliban"
[CUT TO: AUDIENCE IMMEDIATELY ROARS IN LAUGHTER...]
"Free elections in Iraq, Saddam Hussein locked up
[AUDIENCE NOW BUCKLED OVER HOWLING, CLUTCHING EACH OTHER AND POINTING]
"Osama's staying underground, Al Qaeda now is finding out
America won't turn and run once the fighting has begun"
[CUT TO: SOME AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHOKING AND TURNING RED FROM LACK OF OXYGEN THEY'RE LAUGHING SO HARD, OTHERS HOLDING THEIR STOMACHS]
"Libya turns over nukes, Lebanese want freedom, too
Syria is forced to leave, don't you know that all this means
Bush was right!"
"Bush was right!
Bush was right!"
[COMPLETE PANDEMONIUM AS AUDIENCE IS LAUGHING TOO HARD...MEDICS ARRIVE, OLDER PEOPLE REMOVED FROM AUDITORIUM...PLUG PULLED ON THE BAND, DEGENERES RUNS OUT LAUGHING AND HUGGING THE TWO BROTHERS]
DEGENERES: Wow-wow-wow! Oh...woo! Mel Brooks, move over! Wooo-hoo!
[AUDIENCE STILL LAUGHING-CRYING]
[CUT TO: CAMERA PANS ON RIGHT BROTHERS FACES, THEY LOOK CONFUSED. CUT TO: BUSH, CLAPPING, SMILING AND LAUGHING, BUT LOOKING AROUND BECAUSE HE'S NOT SURE WHY HE OR ANYONE'S LAUGHING, OR WHAT THE JOKE IS]
DEGENERES: That is an amazing parody, you two! No, but seriously folks, I want to say something here. As a comedian, in all seriousness, what I find amazing about you two guys is that you turned your, er, looks - I mean really, you guys look like a couple of aging pizza deliverymen - I mean, you look like you've spent half your lives in your bedrooms masturbating in adult chat rooms - but still, you turned those sad CostCo-troll looks of yours to your advantage. It's funny, but it's impressive, and I want to hand it to you. Ladies and Gentlemen, is this a testament to the enduring human spirit or what?
DEGENERES: So, aren't you going to say something upon receiving your award? Huh?
[THE RIGHT BROTHERS CONTINUE TO LOOK STUNNED. AUDIENCE LAUGHS. FINALLY, A SMILING PRODUCER-TYPE WOMAN APPEARS ON STAGE AND ESCORTS THEM OFF.]
DEGENERES: Well, they may be funnymen, but they need to learn the art of acceptance speeches, don'tcha think? I said, dontcha think? Hello? Don't you people get it when I deliver quick improvisational comedy like that? I mean, that wasn't scripted, I just thought it up right then and there.
DEGENERES: What I meant to say was, I'm...g-...I'm g-...gay!
DEGENERES: There, now I feel better. So, onto our next category. This one's also one of the more fun ones. It's the Best Turkey Shoot award! [APPLAUSE] And the nominees for Best Turkey Shoot are...Haditha, Iraq, directed by...let me see, he's going under the name of "Sergeant Schultz." Next, 4000 Katyusha Rockets fired into Northern Israel, directed by Dick Cheney and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad... And the winner is... "Muslim demonstrators against squeamish Danish liberals over a fucking cartoon!" Directed by The Saudi Royal Family!
[APPLAUSE. PRINCE BANDAR AND OTHER MEMBERS OF THE ROYAL FAMILY STAND UP HUGGING EACH OTHER. BUSH REACHES OVER TO GIVE BANDAR A FRIENDLY SLAP ON THE BACK. BANDAR PUNCHES BUSH HARD IN THE SHOULDER, CAUSING BUSH TO WINCE IN PAIN, WHICH HE TRIES TO CONCEAL. BANDAR CONFIDENTALLY RUNS UP TO THE STAGE.]
BANDAR: Wow! This is really a pleasant surprise! Thank you Ellen, thank you. Don't think that this will save you from the stoning our High Islamic Court has planned for you when we re-establish our caliph. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS; CUT TO DEGENERES, WHO LAUGHS AND CLAPS.] No but seriously, you know, we all worked really hard, it was a massive production to get literally millions of Muslims out on the streets to demonstrate over a cartoon, when they won't even demonstrate over the fact that they're all born poor, live poor, and die poor, simply so that I can enjoy cigars with my good friend President Bush. [APPLAUSE] I want to thank my good friends at Exxon, Chevron, BP...oh, and I can't forget Shell. You guys are great. Thank you, thank you all, and George, don't forget, you still owe me another $15 dollars per barrel for that thing I did for you. You know what I'm talking about, right? Ha-ha! [CUT TO: BUSH, LAUGHING, POINTS AT BANDAR AND MOUTHS "RIGHT BACK ATCHA!"]
DEGENERES: Men...ha! Can't live with them, can't cut their balls off and stuff them into their fucking mouths.
The dingleberry-plated ASScar Award
[CUT TO: AUDIENCE POLITELY LAUGHS, NODDING HEADS TO EACH OTHER TO ACKNOWLEDGE PROFUNDITY OF HER JOKE]
DEGENERES: Okay, now for our next category, Best Adapted Screenplay for Print Or Television. And the nominees are: "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is worse than Hitler," adopted from the "Saddam Hussein is Worse Than Hitler" hit production, Benjamin Netanyahu, Dick Cheney, and William Kristol. [APPLAUSE] "Toothless Chickenshit Saber-Rattling Against North Korea in 2005," adapted from the "Toothless Chickenshit Saber-Rattling Against North Korea in 2004, 2003, 2002" hit productions, George W. Bush. [APPLAUSE. CAMERA PANS ON BUSH, WHO WAVES AND SMILES PARTLY-CONFUSED, BUT HAPPY TO HAVE PEOPLE CLAPPING AT HIM.] And the winner for Best Adapted Screenplay is... "Iran producing special IEDs as a pretext for war," based on the 2002-3 hit, "Iraq has WMDs as a pretext for war." Michael Gordon of the New York Times.
[CAMERA CUTS TO: Michael Gordon, smiling vibrantly, running down the aisle giving high fives along the way, and jumping onto the stage, hugging DeGeneres.]
MICHAEL GORDON: Woo-hoo! Yeah! Roo-roo-roo! Yeahhhhh! Well, I'll keep this short. I want to thank my contacts in the Vice President's office and in the Pentagon for supplying me with the, eh... "classified documents" proving Iran is attacking Americans, as well as supplying me with a stomach pump after every visit...wink-wink. [AUDIENCE LAUGHS, APPLAUDS] Hey, but really, this award goes out to all the American soldiers who will die in the next couple of years so that I can write some more war stories. You guys roooooock!!! Thank you Ellen, and thank you ASScademy! Yes!
DEGENERES: Wow, I look at Michael Gordon, and I can't help thinking, "Amber Alert!" I mean, I may look sort of like the-boy-next-door, but Gordon looks like the Guy-Who-Molested-The-Boy-Next-Door.
[AUDIENCE NERVOUSLY LAUGHS. One man yells "Too soon!"]
DEGENERES: Who is that guy? Goddamnit, get him out of here! Where is he? Homeland Security, find that heckler and get him out of here!
[CAMERA NERVOUSLY PANS AROUND, CAN'T FIND THE HECKLER]
DEGENERES: Moving on to our next award, one of my favorites. The Best Dramatic Performance By An Actor or Actors in a Dramatic Series. And this one wound up unusual. We have two winners in this category, a tie between Russian Federation Council Speaker Sergei Mironov for his stunning role as the tragic alcoholic clown shooting at targets of poisoned FSB goon Alexander Litvinenko on November 7, 2006...[APPLAUSE, AUDIENCE TEARY-EYED AS BIG SCREEN SHOWS MIRONOV-AS-TRAGIC-CLOWN-ALCOHOLIC IN FRONT OF LITVINENKO TARGETS]...Boy, you just look at that photo of Mironov and you think, "Life is so difficult for a poor multi-millionaire vodka-monkey like him!" [DEGENERES COMPOSES HERSELF] Tied with Mironov for Best Dramatic Role is Russian President Vladimir Putin for his role in issuing one of the most convincing denials of a state assassination ever heard. [CUT TO: Putin claiming that Litvinenko was too insignificant for the Russian FSB to kill]. You know, I still watch Putin's convincing performance and I think, "You know, I kinda believe this guy. If only he was a girl, a little bit chubbier, and all greased up, naked and zonked out on GHB, I'd believe him. I'd also do a lotta other things to him, but I'd believe him. Until I cum, that is." Whoa, keep it together, Ellen! So, that's it. Putin? Mironov? Come on up!
[AUDIENCE CLAPS. CAMERA PANS AROUND LOOKING FOR WINNERS. ONE CAMERA FINDS MIRONOV PASSED OUT IN A BATHROOM STALL, DRUNK, BLOWING VOMIT BUBBLES. THE OTHER PANS AROUND LOOKING FOR PUTIN...BUT ALL WE CAN SEE IS THE SHINY TOP OF PUTIN'S BALD HEAD, AS HE SCAMPERS BETWEEN THE LEGS OF TALL WESTERNERS. BAND PLAYS BENNY HILL SOUNDTRACK AS PUTIN SCRAMBLES AROUND LEGS TO GET UP TO THE STAGE.]
DEGENERES: Wow, look at Putin! I didn't realize he's so small. Hey little guy, hey! You're so cute for a tyrant! Isn't he a cute tyrant, folks? [APPLAUSE] Here, little guy, want me to help you hold your ASScar? Aww...
PUTIN: [snatches ASScar out of her hands and bites her]
DEGENERES: Ow! Shit!
PUTIN: Otyebis ot mena, suka-blya! [Storms off stage] Davai, poehali rebyata! Hochu skoree v Sochi, blya! Zdes otstoi!
DEGENERES: Feisty little bugger. But cute. In a kind of I'll-steal-your-oil-company-and-destroy-freedom-of-speech sort of way, if you know what I mean. Hello, audience? That was a joke. Hello? Do I have to say it again? Okay here goes: I'm the-G-word. The-G-word, folks...Okay, I'm GAY, goddamnit!
DEGENERES: Good. Now, onto the next category, the most special ASScar of all. It's the ASScademy Comeback Award, the big audience favorite, the most coveted award of all. This year's nominees are: Russia. Dismissed for years as a spent, decaying force, Russia returned in 2006 as the West's big new menace. [CUT TO: Mironov still passed out in the toilet, weakly lifting up a thumbs-up, before passing out again]. Next, Alexander Litvinenko, who fell from the spotlight four years ago into near-obscurity, until he was saved by a glorious death-by-polonium orchestrated by a leading Russian comedy troupe, the Lubyanka Brothers. [CUT TO: Mironov, lifting his head again, then dropping it again.] Next, "American Sanity," which finally returned and voted out the Republicans after six years of having their pockets picked clean by the super-rich, and their country's power destroyed by a clique of dim-witted maniacs. [CUT TO: Bush clapping with a confused smile again, trying to give high fives to people seated next to him, but they blush and turn away.] And the winner is...Oh my god, I'm so nervous!... Muqtada al-Sadr! Dismissed as a "marginal street thug" in 2004, he became kingmaker in Iraq's so-called democracy, controls the fate of Iraq and, with his allies in Iran, may control the future of the West's oil supplies, and is already poised to bring down the Bush Administration and maybe, just maybe, American global hegemony. This guy is da man! Let's give a big hand for the Mooqster!
[AUDIENCE: "Mook! Mook! Mook!"]
[CUT TO: Sadr dancing as he walks towards the stage, while MC Hammer's "You Can't Touch This" plays. Sadr takes the stage, does a quick cabbage patch to peals of "Mook! Mook! Mook!"]
SADR: All right everyone, calm down, sit down. All right, it's all right...stop clapping now...all right...I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL KILL EVERY FUCKING ONE OF YOU!
[CAMERA CUT TO: President Bush, crawling on the floor...he grabs Lynne Cheney, and pulls her on top of him to protect himself]
SADR: That's better. So, what can I say? This award is all due to Allah. I am merely his servant. Yadee-yadee-yada. Aw, who the fuck am I fooling? If you could sneak a peak under my gown, not only would your eyes water from the odor, but believe you me, man, you'd see a hard-on standing so high it'd take a bin Laden hijacker to bring it down. That's right, George, bring it on, baby!
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS APPROVINGLY. More shouts of "Mook! Mook! Mook!" CUT TO: Bush, who laughs and claps with the audience, completely oblivious]
SADR: No but seriously, some people got it, and some people got it. And I got it. Thanks Ellen! And thank you ASSscademy! See you in hell, infidels!
[APPLAUSE as Sadr leaves the stage giving a peace sign.]
DEGENERES: Well, that's all the time we have left here. Boy, what a night it was, full of surprises, stars, laughs and tears. But before I go, I want to thank everyone for coming, for all their hard work, and hey! Let's keep this Long War On Terror going, all right? It's fun! Thank you everyone, good night! Oh, and I'm gay!