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Editorial December 1, 2006
A Muslim Proposal

Since the collapse of the Soviet Union, Russia has been searching for its "national idea." Projects have been announced, intellectuals and political strategists called together, but every succeeding attempt has failed to catch on: whether positing Russia as a Westernized European state, or Russia as a special "sovereign democracy." These ideas may have some merit, but they are not inspiring. For they do not lead to the possibility of Russia returning to greatness.

We at The Exile have some experience with this problem, having recently undergone a wildly successful rebranding campaign. We understand Russia's problem. And we know the solution, an all-encompassing National Idea that will make Russia great again. A rebranding campaign, if you will, that could return Russia to its rightful place as a major global player, positioning it to take over the world in the not-too-distant future.

Our proposal: President Putin should convert Russia into an Islamic nation.

Just think about it. Islam today has over a billion adherents. It has natural resource wealth, demographic strength and energy, and a willingness to fight. It is growing rapidly, yet it suffers from massive cultural and intellectual weaknesses. What the Islamic world lacks is a serious country at its vanguard. To put it in straight terms, what Islam lacks is a white country. Russia could, and should, be that white Islamic country.

It's a perfect fit. When one thinks of Islam, one imagines overcrowded slums, angry youths, poverty, corruption, and Third World disorder, and, yes, dusky-hued hordes. Russia, on the other hand, has more white people than any European nation, yet it is shunned by Europeans, which don't really consider Russia to be part of their civilization. Russia, in other words, is the nigger of the West. But by switching to Islam, Russians would instantly become the White Gods of the Islamic world, the barons of a billion-strong demographic.

There are other powerful reasons why Russia should convert to Islam:

  • Russian nukes would become scarier. The West doesn't take them seriously enough today, fearing only that Russia's nukes might slip into Islamic hands. But if Russia became Islamic, ALL those nukes would fall into Islamic hands. Islam would now be capable of destroying the Zionist-Crusader Enemy several times over. The respect for Russia would skyrocket overnight. And American military advisors would exit Georgia faster than you can say "snagglepus." Stage left, even;
  • Russia's scientific and cultural achievements, mocked and scorned because Russia is white and Christian, would now be overly adored by the politically correct lobby as examples of great Islamic civilization;
  • Russia's demographic crisis would suddenly cease to matter, as it would now lead a billion-plus demographic;
  • Compared to European countries, Russia is judged as semi-barbaric; but compared to Islamic countries, Russia would be held up as a shining light of liberalism, progressive civil society, and democracy;
  • Russia's anti-Semitism would no longer seem as sinister and fascistic, but rather would be considered in the larger context of Islamic grievances against Israeli occupation;
  • Instead of being threatened on all sides by China, the West and Islam, Russia would threaten the West and China while eliminating the internal Islamic "problem"'

Finally, sex. In today's Islam, you can marry four women. That's small compensation when one considers the talent in most Islamic countries. Russia, on the other hand, has the largest surplus of horny babes in the world. The only thing more awesome than marrying one Russian chick would be marrying four Russian chicks, and having group sex with them every night...And the best thing is, the more four-on-oners you'd have, the closer you'd get to Paradise!

The Islamic Republic of Russia. It's good for Islam, and good for Russia. And that means it's good for The eXile. Or shall we say, "Al-eXile."

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The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

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We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

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