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Unfiled June 29, 2006
Adderall Tips
How to Convince Your Shrink You Have ADD/ADHD By Abram Magomedov Browse author

Currently, there are somewhere between 5 and 7 million children in America diagnosed with ADD, or Attention Deficit Disorder. Some of them have been fed small doses of amphetamine since they four or five years old. And that's freaking out a whole lot of people. Adderall XR is already illegal in Canada due to its alleged role in kiddie heart attacks: And the drug perks that come with being diagnosed with ADD/ADHD in America may not be around forever. As more and more studies documenting widespread ADD medication abuse cause panic among the medical community, the FDA may soon tighten control over the wonderful amphetamine-based ADD medication.

That means that Adderall and Ritalin - the two perennial favorites of recreational pharmaceutical stimulant connoisseurs - may be much harder to get a hold of. The older generation ADD meds are being put under a question mark with the release of new non-amphetamine ADD drug called Strattera. This new drug's claim to fame is that it is amphetamine free and hence, euphoria free. And according to the doctors, that's a good thing. What a great country America is, always trying to find a way to amputate fun from anything. Apparently they don't think that medication should be enjoyed.

The beauty of ADD lies in the fact that there is no standardized clinical test to diagnose the disorder. No one knows what causes it. The only thing the medical professionals know is that amphetamine delivered in small continuous doses relieves most of ADD's symptoms. So the trick is to convince your shrink that you have ADD. And what's nice is that anyone can fool the system, as long as they know what to say and how to act. It's all very simple, really, all it takes is a bit of memorization.

I recently went undercover in America to find out just how to successfully trick a shrink into believing you are one of the 4% of the American adult population that's suffering from ADD. And although my session didn't go over too smoothly, I did reach my primary objective. I scored a month's supply of Adderall XR and boy is everyone thankful. Here is my guide and tips to scoring Adderall, so that you can be as happy and hard-working as I am.

The main thing is to not overdo it with the shrink. You might feel the urge to act the part of a spastic ADD'd out freak, but no matter how strong the urge, avoid it at all costs. Remember, a psychiatrist isn't a research scientist, he's not observing you from a behavioral point of view. In fact, he won't even be looking at you. That wasn't part of his medical school training. No, his job was to memorize the DSM IV, crunch through dated psychology theories and study human anatomy. Unless they are in research, psychiatrists are programmed to respond to keywords. If asked about your expectations for the therapy session, don't be afraid to state your primary objective: the drugs. As far as mainstream psychiatrists are concerned, there is only one cure for ADD, and it's not through daily breathing meditation exercises.

If you fuck up and the psychiatrist begins to doubt your ADD symptoms, don't lose your fighting spirit, just argue your point. Convince him. Say something about how your condition is fucking with your quality of life. Lay on the cheese, be defeatist. They hear that kind of act everyday of their lives, they'll agree just so that you'd shut up. That's what I did when he started doubting my ADD credentials: and it worked.

Psychiatrists are in it for the prescriptions. They are like acid dealers, they want to believe that the stuff they're pushing is actually helping people get more out of life. Know this and use it against them.

To minimize risk, stick to the facts and don't delve into episodes from your life. When was the last time someone asked you to remember 6th grade? You can't remember, and that's the catch. You'll be so amused with your childhood memories that you'll have an overwhelming urge to spill them on your shrink. Don't: the details of that memory certainly contradict your assumed ADD persona.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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