Mankind's only alternative 1   DEC.   20  
Mankind's only alternative
Welcome
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Kino Korner April 1, 2004
 
Poison Grows In Stiller's Water
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
 
 

Along Came Polly

Ben Stiller. Again. Is anyone getting sick of that lizard-mouthed Jew yet? I know I am. Have been for some time -- ever since I paid good money in Kentucky to see Zoolander... and stormed out after 20 minutes, screaming at the hicks in the Louisville multiplex, "You're LAUGHING?! You FOOLS! No wonder! No fucking wonder!" before bursting out the door (unfortunately movie theater doors don't slam shut, but rather swing back and forth to a doorjamb-less equilibrium so you can't get too melodramatic if you're a grumpy, solo movie-heckler like me), skulking down the corridor out of eyesight of the multiplex's teen-minority staff, and slipping into some Michael Douglas movie for another bout of someone-else's-ego-saturation hell...

I shoulda known. Shoulda known better than to allow the pirate copy of Along Came Polly to infect my on-loan DVD player, courtesy of the eXile's esteemed general counsel, Morris U. Snideman, Esq.

Stiller first crossed my radar screen in the early Gen-X atrocity, Reality Bites. That was the first movie I ever had the nerve to throw out of my VCR. It was a defining moment for me -- before Reality Bites, I held to the ridiculous convention that you should watch a movie all the way through to the end. That you should be embarrassed to pop a film out, or storm out of a movie theater half way through, ranting like a victim of Turrett's Syndrome, doing your best to ruin that magical brain-glue which binds the moviegoer to movie. Reality Bites taught me otherwise -- because I knew those horrible, ironic, we're-so-different-because-we're-self-aware scum slithering across Reality Bites' screen. Those were the assholes I went to college with! Escaped from! Now they were being filmed "just being who they are," as if their little melodramas mattered?! No, no, no -- I couldn't bear it. I had to draw a line in the sand. Boil that brain-glue! Bust up that relationship between flick and viewer for good, then slip out the exit!

Folks, if I can teach my readers one thing, it would be to give you the courage to walk out of movies that not only suck or half-suck, but even those movies which leave you mildly dissatisfied. Walk out! It'll add years to your life, trust me. Not only that, but movies will respect you more when you pop them into your VCR...They'll know you're the type who doesn't take shit from them.

I swore off Stiller forever after the Reality Bites trauma, but then sort of forgot about him until several years later when I saw Zero Effect, a wonderful pro-tweak film in which Stiller plays a cranky (cranky because he doesn't blow crank like his boss) young Jewish lawyer who chooses his shallow, grotesque valleygirlfriend over the genius speedfreak PI boss played by Bill Pullman. I liked watching that Stiller, the petulant, ambitious, shallow, not-untalented Stiller, because I imagine he's much closer to that asshole character than the "cute and real because he's dorky and anti-cool" lie that he prefers to portray.

Stiller's FOX show from the early 90s was as quasi-hip and fake-intelligent as Reality Bites. But one must admit that he had a good run for a few years -- directing Cable Guy, one of the great nerd movies of all time, and playing the role of a neurotic Jewish dork who just happens to attract babes ranging from the voluptuous (Patricia Arquette) to the gazelleous (Tea Leoni) in Flirting With Disaster. I started getting nervous when he did Perfect Midnight, just about the fakest smack-chic movie ever made. Ben Stiller as a smack-head?! Tchya, right. I'd believe just about anyone playing that role but Ben Stiller -- David Schwemmer, Vanilla Ice, Mikhail Fradkov, all would be far more plausible as smack addicts. But Ben Stiller? You just know that the little prick has his own Karl Rove carefully planning out everything from the "indy phase" of his career to his nutrition tables.


SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Ames
Browse author
Email Mark Ames at editor@exile.ru.
 
 
FROM THE VAULT

Your Letters :

Horn of Plenty : Adis Ababa in Moscow turns one

Pourquoi L'Exile :
Club Review
The Columnist With The Mostest : Another night with the rich and beautiful
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru