Mankind's only alternative 15   DEC.   17  
Mankind's only alternative
Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Feature Story April 1, 2004
 
Punish the Pundits!
By John Dolan Browse author Email
 
 

What the hell were they thinking? That's the question people are beginning to ask about the Iraq invasion. But we have a much more interesting one: what if the people who who assured us that invading Iraq would be fun, profitable and easy actually had to deal with the consequences of their lies?

Just imagine a whiney neocon columnist sweating it out on sentry duty at a Fallujah street corner, looking around desperately for those millions of grateful, pro-American Iraqis he assured us were just waiting for their chance to emerge.

Imagine the wretch pissing his ill-fitting Army trousers every time a bus backfires, being spat on by every urchin he tries to offer a stick of gum or free copy of Adam Smith, and finally dying in terror and pain after an ambush by the ungrateful, anti-American Iraqis he promised us didn't exist

Unfortunately, we can't draft these people and ship them off to Iraq. They managed to avoid Nam, after all, and now age is on their side. They've seen to it that neither they nor a single one of their relatives will ever have to share the horrors they forced on thousands of ordinary American soldiers.

But we can still bring the world of consequences to the swine who got us into this nightmare. For starters, we can go back and find out exactly who was promising us we'd be worshipped as liberators if we invaded. We can print the names of these jerks, reprint the idiotic fantasies they sold the American public, and leave it to that public to take its own revenge. We're starting with some of the more obscure, small-time warmongers. We invite you, our readers, to find and send us the work of other warmongers, big and small, so we can drag their lies into the light. Just them to me: dolan@exile.ru

What sort of revenge should we take on these pigs? That's up to you. Use your imagination. Call one at 3 am for five nights running and scream at him in a bad Arab accent, "Zank you for invading my country, peeg!" Send him suspect packages with a telltale whiff of falafel, and nothing but a "Thanks for the Invasion" card inside. The possibilities are endless: key his BMW, decapitate his parakeet, agent-orange his lawn.

Of course, in suggesting these illegal actions, we're only kidding. Ha-ha-ha.

But we do believe, like good conservatives everywhere, that people should take responsibility for their actions. So we're going to help the pundits who got us into the Iraqi quagmire take responsibility for their actions by reprinting the lies they were telling about Iraq, back before reality set in. Here, then, is the first installment of a new eXile feature, "They Told You So," replaying the Classic Hits of pro-invasion lies.

When we've reprinted the worst of each contender, we'll hold an eXile poll and let U, the reader, pick the very worst of the worst. We'll plaster his (or her) picture all over the Internet and encourage an enraged citizenry to be as imaginative and retributive as it can get. So start keeping score and get ready to play They Told You So, the Game of Personal Responsibility!

First Nominee: Andrew West

Almost exactly a year ago (March 17, 2003), writer Andrew West took five minutes out of his busy schedule to write to his fellow shareholders in USA, Inc. a memo explaining the reasons a bottom-line guy like West was ready to go to war.

West's argument is simple: "I'm in favor of war on Iraq because I don't want to be killed by terrorists who get access to weapons [Iraq] is trying to develop. The World Trade Center attack dramatically alerted Americans to the fact that there are some people in the world who want us dead...Why aren't most people in Manhattan already dead? It is because anti-American terrorists haven't gotten their hands on atom-bombs, or major biological weapons, yet. Where could terrorist groups get their hands on such weapons? From governments that have both stated and displayed their hatred for the U.S., and that are attempting to develop such weapons. Which countries? Iraq and North Korea are currently in the lead in this regard."


SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit

Browse author
dolan@exile.ru
 
 
FROM THE VAULT

Amerikanskie Siloviki :

The Bored Whore Of Kyoto : European Johns line up to tap Russia's carbon reduction potential

Me SOHO-nie For Moscow Club Pafos : A trip into the newest, most uber-elitny club
Moron 5
In The Winner's Circle: Reader Responses To Adam Levine's Legal Threats :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru