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Kino Korner February 19, 2004
 
Bring Back Sherman!
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
 
Page 2 of 3
 
What is the South today? Welp, we can say it does still provide a service to America. Like providing good white cannon fodder for our Grand Imperial Army, a force whose greatness was born in the Union's triumph.

Can you imagine what America would be like if the Confederates had held us off? We'd be like France: has-beens, only worse. We'd be has-beens without a past glory, has-beens without a "has." That's what Lee and Davis would have done to this great nation.

Thanks to the triumph of the superior Union, my Union, America today rules the entire fucking world. The South is merely one of our colonies, a useful cheap labor colony. A white maquiladora.

You gotta admit, Southerners make pretty decent cheap labor. Just ask the Japs and the Germans: your Southern cracker really knows how to assemble a Toyota Camry kit! They're good for that! Almost as good as Mexicans! And don't let anyone tell ya diff'rent!

Seeing Cold Mountain was not a happy experience in my life, and seeing it in suburban San Jose probably didn't help. I mean look: the Civil War was the greatest, bloodiest, bravest and most righteous war of all American wars. So why have I never given it its proper place in my life?

After seeing Cold Mountain, I know the answer. The problem with the American Civil War is that, in the hands of our culture, this most wonderful of all bloodbaths has been turned into nothing more than a period piece chick flick, a costume ball full of stupid Christian platitudes about how war is bad for children and other living things, a backdrop for the most maudlin of dumb-broad fantasies and hackneyed Harlequin trash.

Okay, let me take a breath here. There are some good things about this movie. For example, after seeing The Others, I was starting to question my undying hatred of Nicole Kidman. Welp, not anymore. Not only is her character a horrible, spoiled, shallow fraud whose only comment on slavery was how much she hated having to look at it (not that she did anything about it--she was all happy to live high on the slavery-funded hog, she just didn't want to have to see any sweaty niggers, that.s all), but that cold, corporate ugliness that I remembered her for returned to her face in full force. Part of it has to do with Kidman's eyebrows. She's got those fake-angry eyebrows angling down, sort of like she's angry because she's not getting laid. Which she probably isn't--one doesn't imagine the Cruise-Kidman conjugal bed had too many broken springs. More likely it sank under the weight of Kiehl's lotion droppings and dozens of five-inch titanium butt-plugs. "Nicole, did you take my butt-plug again?!"

Then there's Renee Zellweger. Not only is her character silly and cliched, but man is she ugly. I thought she was kind of cute in Bridget Jones, but in Cold Mountain, she looks as though her head was stuck into a box full of a swarm of angry African Bees. You almost want to send her to Baron Harkonnen's doctor for a little pus draining, it's that bad.

As for Jude Law--I can't look at the guy ever since his NAMBLA role in A.I. The notion this pedophile is in epic love with a cold dyke like Kidman is just--no, it's not even laughable. It's just gross.

After walking out of this shithole of a film, I cried, along with Detroit's Jack White: "The Union Forever!"

RATING:

Three butt-fucking Deliverance inbreds. The South isn't romantic or tragic. It's just stupid.

BIG FISH

I was trying to remember why I lost interest in Tim Burton over the years, because I will always maintain some degree of loyalty to him for giving America Beetlejuice during the horrible Reagan stagnation era. His heart is in the right place . he's interested in mystery, imagination, humor, the dark side, all the elements of a good film.


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Ames
Browse author
Email Mark Ames at editor@exile.ru.
 
 
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