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Kino Korner February 19, 2004
 
Bring Back Sherman!
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
 
 

COLD MOUNTAIN

Fuck the Confederates.

That.s what I was muttering to myself as I sat alone in the Los Gatos Theater from the opening scene of Cold Mountain right through the minute I walked out. And walk out I did, well before the white trash hero tragically doesn't make it home to his po' Suthu'n belle.

I just want to get one thing straight here, folks. The South were morons. They were wrong. They deserved everything Sherman gave them--no, I take that back. Sherman was way too soft on the Confederacy, considering what those filthy bastards did.

I'm shocked, really. What the hell is this vile romanticizing of the Confederacy that seems to be going around the educated Northern reading public? It's not like anyone in the South knows how to read; this is purely a Northern bored-housewife thing. And it's wrong. The South were stupid swine! They destroyed the one noble layer of white people in North America--the sons of the American aristocracy--in a matter of months, and ensured, through their idiocy, bigotry and violence, that America would never become the kind of nature-defying success for humanity that its founders had the balls to dream up.

The South ruined EVERYTHING. That's the lesson. The Confederacy fucked up everything possibly good about this country. And now we're supposed to like these simian swamp rats?

I mean look, if you're going to fetishize white racist scum, then at least the Nazis had cool uniforms. But Confederate gray? GRAY??? Gray is the color of my grandmother's hair. And she's dead. Gray was the color Yeltsin's face turned every time he caught a cold and needed another quintuple bypass. Gray--how appropriate for a nation of losers. The Union's dark blue is a thousand times more martial than that faggy Confederate gray. Take the "r" out of gray, and you know what you get. Even the knob goblins from Queer Eye would have laughed at Lee.s Army!

Fuck the Confederates and the Confederacy and the whole fucking South. They were not only scum, but they were losers. Losers! They lost the fucking war! A war they started and asked for. I don't care if the Civil War wasn't about slavery but about .states' rights,. as the dead-ender revisionists still argue today. The fact is, the war was about Darwinism: the stupid and weak getting crushed by the superior species. All lower forms of primates die off this way; the South's tragedy was that of Neanderthalia succumbing to the dawn of the Stone Age, and good fucking riddance.

They lost and they were stupid and that's at least one thing you can kind of glean from Clod Motown. I love this one scene early on in the movie: when news of fighting first breaks out in their stupid white trash mountain town, all the dumb Southern hicks throw their hats, dance, yell, "Yee-haw! We're a-gonna kill aw-sevvs some Yankees! Yee-haw!" and ululate like a bunch of Iraqis.

In fact, yeah, they're a lot like Iraqis. The Confederates ululate with their tongues like Hajjis, they fire into the air like Hajjis, and they get their fucking asses kicked by the United States Armed Forces.just like Hajjis.

Except that that Iraqis didn't give up like bitches after they were conquered. That's right, the Iraqis have more balls than Lee's Army! Which kinda makes The Confederacy...you know, what's that word again? Oh yeah. PUSSIES!

"Yee-haw! We's gonna kick them Yanks' tuckusses!"

Cut to: a jumbo-sized bucket o' Southern Fried Chicken, aka The Confederate Army circa 1865, as Sherman slices through the South like a pooper-scooper through dog shit.

They got their arrogant, genteel, knightly asses kicked straight into the Atlantic Ocean, and good fucking riddance! What good were the Southern whites anyway? All they ever did was sit on their porches in ridiculous costumes, buggering their niggers, reading Sir Walter Scott and writing long-winded letters to each other. Best thing that ever happened to those lazy bastards was getting colonized by the North.


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Ames
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Email Mark Ames at editor@exile.ru.
 
 
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