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War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
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Unfiled May 29, 2003
Diary of a Russian Sterva

Greetings, Ladies and Gentlemen. I am a Russian sterva. At least, that's what they call me. I thought about it though: I'm not exactly "Russian," and when it comes to being a "sterva," I hope I haven't become one yet. These days being a sterva is the most fashionable attitude to take, and I'm against everything that's fashionable.

But tell me, don't I have the right to throw some guy out of my apartment after picking him up from a club and still have a clean conscience? Absolutely yes, especially if he didn't live up to expectations. I'll throw him out right away and I'll be right for doing so. To paraphrase a gay friend of mine: I know my worth and until I reach my peak, I can always count on landing someone better than the type represented by Mr. Ames. So tell me, does a man really think that if I've invited him back to my place after just three minutes of getting to know him, that what I really want to do is talk about his wild passion for dogs or watch his favorite movie? I need sex -- isn't my body saying this loudly enough!!!

By the way, do you really think Mr. Ames is such a connoisseur of women? He himself has made that same mistake more than once.

Moreover, many of these types of idiots know that what they're doing is not right. So why do so many people drown even though they know where the shallow end is?! Strange things happen. Men can't handle it if a woman is the one who initiates a one-night stand. Maybe I'm wrong but it seems to me that men are more whore-ish in nature, and not just in the number of sex partners that they have, although I'm not going to get too deeply into that issue. The main thing is not to get carried away (for women) and not to get sick (a universal rule for all). Amen.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I've already written some very unflattering things. I don't want you, my dear men, to think that I'm some kind of feminist or man-hater. Up to now all the newspapers have written positively about women, and here I come along, shitting all over men (although if you read this to the end you'll understand that I also decided not to shy away from this kind of behavior). I love you all very much and I can't live without you -- I'm not a lesbian!!

By the way about lesbians. And about women. I've had miraculously few in my life. I don't have a mother or sisters, and I've never had girlfriends. It was only about a year ago that I finally met a girl who could stand me and with whom it was easier than just being by myself. But for me that's an exception rather than a rule.

The second woman in my life just appeared two months ago (by the way, on the same day that I met Mr. Ames). The girl is a model with puffy lips: men go crazy over her. I won't say that she was my first girl -- although, okay, she was my first. Moreover we haven't gone "all the way." Innocent kissing in nightclub bathrooms, or her hand in my underwear in the back seat of the most recent Audi model. Her boyfriend was behind the wheel -- an FSB agent. Since I'm not exactly a girl of legal age, I'm on my guard around him. But let's go back to my girlfriend. She confirms that there's a lesbian in every girl and she believes she has the right to have physical contact with women. But at the end of the day, I could kiss a male rubber doll or give head to a vibrator (understand please that I say this just as examples, not like I've done these already!). But these things don't excite any part of me one bit. The same goes with what I do with her. It didn't turn me on at all. Kissing a woman is not one of the most pleasing things there is. Now I understand gays who, when they finally have forbidden sex with other men, turn away from women. Sweet boys, from now on I'll never judge you!

One of my friends once told me that it's easy for a woman to make love: all she has to do is spread her legs, look at the ceiling and think about something. I can't say that this describes my sexual experiences with men, but when it comes to sex with women, he guessed right.

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Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


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