Mankind's only alternative 21   NOV.   18  
Mankind's only alternative
Welcome
MAIN  RUSSIA  WAR NERD   [SIC!]  BAR-DAK  THE VAULT  ABOUT US  RSS
 
 
EXILE BLOGS

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

City Beat February 6, 2003
 
City Beat
By John Dolan Browse author Email
 
 

Last week Moscow hospitals announced that 202 people had been admitted over the weekend for "ice-related injuries." I was delighted. That meant it wasn't just me. People walk carefully on icy sidewalks

For months now ice has been my major preoccupation. Creeping down the sidewalks of Moscow, all I see is the ice, which I scan as carefully as Twain's river pilots scanned the Mississippi. Snow is nothing, snow is easier than rain. But just as nits make lice, snow makes ice. And ice will kill you.

My first fall came in the winter of 93-94. Russia had come apart, right down to street level. There was nobody clearing the sidewalks, so a winter's worth of snow had been compacted by the feet of ten million Muscovites into a five-inch-thick layer of clear ice as hard and smooth as obsidian. Moscow hospitals were reporting 1,200 people a day coming in with snapped limbs after falling on ice.

The winter was fairly warm, so the surface of the ice would melt every day. Walking those sidewalks was like walking glass topped with motor oil. Since my main pastime on that first visit was walking up and down Tverskaya looking at the incredibly beautiful women of Moscow, I lost concentration on the ice pretty often and had some very close calls.

But I didn't fall -- not even when a gang of gypsy kids tried to kick me down onto the ice. It happened on one of my voyeur tours of Tverskaya, near Pushkinskaya. I was minding my own business, staring at the Russian girls, when the evil pygmies swarmed me demanding money. I ignored them till one grabbed for my pocket. I slapped her hand away. That was it; that meant war. The brats flew at me like grimy miniature Bruce Lees. I found the print of a small, muddy boot high on the back of my jacket after escaping.

But they didn't get me down. Their only accomplishment was to make me permanently unsympathetic to newspaper stories about poor persecuted gypsies. I scrambled into the perekhod bruised and scared, but they never got me down. I felt like Jake laMotta: "Ya nevuh gomme down, Ray, nevuh gomme down."

Naturally, I fell right after that boast. I was just on my way to the bakery when I was distracted and failed to notice a small ramp of black ice. My foot slipped-I must've performed a slapstick goosestep, a Ray Guy punt -- and I landed on the back of my head, hard enough to knock myself out.

That was the first KO of my life. As Holden Caulfield says, "It's pretty hard to knock a guy out, except in the goddamn movies." Holden was right: getting knocked out is not like they show it in the movies at all. For one thing, it's a lot scarier than they make it seem. You don't come out of it quickly or easily. Your brain, the organ you live in, has been damaged. You have no "you." It's terrifying. You know for certain, once you've been knocked out, that there is no soul, no mind -- there's just this poor vulnerable organ, this brain.

The first thing I remember is hands pulling me up. As I stood up...this is the embarrassing part, but it's true: as I tried to stand, I let out this huge fart. Very embarrassing. I've read about how bladder and bowel go lax when you die; well, I was only half-killed, so a fart was probably the appropriate punctuation mark -- a semi-colon instead of a period.

Boris Nemtsov right before jumping in the ice-cold water

Boris Nemtsov on the set of the new hardcore gay porno film "Toga Boys."

But the men who'd lifted me up didn't take it too well. One of them yelled angrily -- the fart must've seemed like gross ingratitude -- and I was on my own, wobblingly. Whoever had helped me was gone, and the crowds were pushing past as usual, pouring out of the nine-story tenements on Aminovskoye Shosse to shove their way into a bus.


SHARE:  Del.icio.us  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit

Browse author
dolan@exile.ru
 
 
FROM THE VAULT
Rambo returns
Preview Review: Rambo IV : Nine months to the rebirth of Rambo
Body Outline
My First Russian Corpse : A Bum, A Bill, And A Body

Death Pornomatic Map of Russia : Your visual guide to DP. See who's dying, where and how!
Jewish Businessman
Field Guide To Moscow: Sudoris Calvitium :
 

 
 
 
LATEST ARTICLES

Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
Editorial
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
[SIC!]
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...

 
 
 

    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442
E-mail: office@exile.ru