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Kino Korner December 11, 2002
 
Die Now, Not Another Day!
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
 
 

The eXile is all too often accused of being a forum for raging misogynists. This makes me a little uncomfortable because it implies a pro-male editorial stance. On behalf of the eXile's entirely white male editorial staff, I object to this characterization. It's not that we are pro-male, it's just that we're anti-idiot, and more often than not, women are portrayed as complete idiots in pop culture. When the most obscenely idiotic or loathsome female representations (i.e., Julia Roberts, Carmen Diaz, Jodie Foster, Reese Witherspoon, etc.) become the objects of worship and envy by real-live females, then yes, we have to admit, the misogynist in all of us bursts out of our guts and speeds across the table.

This week, two eminently loathsome movies, the zillionth Bond installment Die Another Day and the Reese Witherspoon WMD Sweet Home Alabama -- which seems tailored to cause a spike in domestic violence upon release -- offered a clear-cut test, a one-on-one competition as to which gender is more shallow, loathsome and serial-murder inspiring. The results, as you'll see, may surprise you.

DIE ANOTHER DAY

Before you drop your money and time on this movie, do yourself a favor. Go to Leningradsky Vokzal. Head to the toilets just past the ticket counter and down the stairwell. Hand over your five rubles to the crabby toilet sentinel, snap the two squares of TP out of her hand and march straight into stalls. You know, those foul holes with the shit-creased foot grooves, the kind you're supposed to squat over. Clogged with piles of diarrhea and sausage-shaped nougat goo. Bend down, plunge your face into the hole, and scour it vigorously until you can't stand it anymore. Now, stand up, walk out of the Vokzal with shit on your face...that's about what you'll look and feel like after walking out of the new James Bond movie, Die Another Day. Only if you do it my way, you'll at least have saved about 245 rubles, and you might not feel inclined to beat your children.

Even though you've been burned by dozens of Bond movies over your lifetime, you'll probably feel compelled, lemming-like, to see this movie. You won't even know why. One reason is the amazing PR machine that always promotes the latest Bond movie as "the best Bond since [name of shitty Bond movie that came out so long ago you've already forgotten how it made you go home and flush your pet turtle down the toilet]." Die Another Day is said to be the best Bond movie since The Spy Who Loved Me. I remember hating that movie, really viscerally hating it, but I can't remember why.

Die Another Day

Die Another Day

I bought a pirate copy of Die Another Day at Mayakovskaya, and brought it over to Dr. Dolan's for a Very eXile Hanukkah party. The movie took an immediate toll. Flounder and Weinberg cut out early, I passed out, and Dr.Dolan and his wife had to turn to the bottle.

I saw roughly a third or more of Die Another Day. It was stupid. Just plain stupid. One-liners so dumb and cheesy you literally get the chills. Fast cars. Passionate men. And worst of all, the inexplicable Halle Barry Factor. I realized something I hadn't felt in a long, long time: I HATE MEN! In fact, I think I've hated men for a long time but haven't thought about it in years, in large part because I never had to watch movies like this.

Die Another Day is just Pretty Woman for corporate fags: for millions of males, the fantasy of dressing up, behaving suavely, driving a fast car and being a bomb in the sack. I repeat now what I've always said: why should a man give a shit about being good in bed?!

Back to Halle Barry. That dirty ass ho' not only is a shitty actress, not only is she as black as Trent Lott, but she's FUCKING UGLY! Do corporate fags really find her attractive? That she-male Mario van Peebles lookalike?!

We live in an era where America's fate is controlled by a stern African-American lesbian, Condaleeza Rice. Halle Barry's aggressively she-male chic shtick is, for lack of a better word, appropriate.

RATING


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Ames
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Email Mark Ames at editor@exile.ru.
 
 
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