Mankind's only alternative 5   JUL.   22  
Mankind's only alternative
Vlad's Daily Gloat - The eXile Blog

The Fall of The eXile For all those wondering what the "Save The eXile Fundrasier" banner is all about, here it is as simply as it can be phrased: The eXile is shutting down.
June 11, 2008 in eXile Blog

War Nerd: War of the Babies in Taki's Magazine The War Nerd talks about babies, the greatest weapon of the 20th century.
May 28, 2008 in eXile Blog

Kids, Meet Your President A website for Russian kids to learn all about President Medvedev's passion for school, sports and family.
May 22, 2008 in eXile Blog

Cellphone Democracy Cam If this girl was exposed to Jeffersonian democracy...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Dyev Photos Yet another hot Russian babe imitating the Catpower look...
May 20, 2008 in Face Control

Proof That Genetic Memory Is Real! Sure, the Ottomans shut down the Istanbul Slavic slave markets centuries ago...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Russia's Orthodox Church Youth Outreach Program The priest is going, "Father Sansei is very impressed with grasshopper Sasha’s...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

More Classy B&W Club Photos w/Russian Dyevs We took the Pepsi Challenge here...
May 15, 2008 in Face Control

Blogs RSS feed

Unfiled November 13, 2002
Crusading eXile Journalist Maimed in Central Moscow
Flounder in hospital bed

The eXile's deputy editor, John "Flounder" Heisel, was brutally attacked outside of his home near the Novokuznetskaya metro station last Saturday night. He is currently in the ZiL hospital in the south of Moscow suffering from a brain contusion, a broken nose, broken sinus and several broken front teeth.

Heisel doesn't remember the attack. "There are a few minutes missing," he told the eXile editors. "I bought some stuff from the store down the street, then was walking back... and the next thing I knew I was standing near my apartment entrance bleeding from my face."

His wallet, passport, cell phone and even his jacket were stolen.

Heisel is the fourth eXile staffer to be brutally attacked in as many years.

He managed to stumble back to the store, where he said the workers knew him. They called an ambulance and took him to a nearby Russian hospital.

"The doctors there told me I was all right and sent me home. I had to drink a couple of shots with the guards on my way out. So I did."

The next morning, Heisel woke up early in pain. He called the American Embassy to tell them about his lost passport. They suggested that he go to the American Medical Clinic for a second opinion.

"It was hard getting a taxi with blood all over me," he said. "I had to pay 250 rubles."

Only at the AMC did the seriousness of his injuries come to light. They were worried that he might even have a brain hemorrhage.

"It could have been worse," said one doctor.

The AMC transferred him to the ZiL hospital on Ulitsa Bakinskaya, which they described as qualified and just as good as the Kremlin Hospital.

Heisel is confined to a "lux" room to himself. He has had two spinal taps. His nose was cleared of blood on Tuesday, leading Heisel to bemoan that "now I'll be able to taste the hospital food." On Wednesday doctors are planning to drain his broken right sinus. After that, they will set his broken nose.

Heisel is set to spend at least a week in the hospital.

"When it first happened, my first thought was, 'Fuck this, I'm going back home.' But now I realize I don't want to. This could happen anywhere. I plan on staying," he said.

We asked Heisel if there were any hot chicks in his hospital ward and what he thought his chances were of getting a handjob.

"I don't know. There's one nurse that's not so bad looking, but they haven't shown any sexual interest in me so far. I'm not sure how well I'd perform. I'm not allowed to move around much."

Even a handjob?

"Well, maybe. I don't know. We'll have to see."

With his black eye, swollen face, bloodied lip and cracked teeth, he stands a strong chance of earning a mercy job. Oddsmakers at Metelitsa put the chances at 95:1, but we at the eXile think it's closer to 92:1.

Flounder will probably not be with the eXile for awhile following the brain contusion. Sufferers usually are forbidden from reading, watching television, and especially taking hard narcotics, alcohol or engaging in acts of bestiality. Heisel says that for now, he can live without all of them.

"I just want to get better and get my teeth fixed," he said.

Is Moscow getting more dangerous, or are we just being more reckless?

Hard to say. For now our concern is for our tovarisch. It must be lonely as hell in that miserable hospital.

SHARE:  Digg  My Web  Facebook  Reddit
Your Letters :
Cold War Report
Retro MADness : The Cold War Report

Bye-Bye, Miss Russian Pie : The Ofis is now closed forever
Charting McCain's Presidency :


Save The eXile: The War Nerd Calls Mayday
The future of The eXile is in your hands! We're holding a fundraiser to save the paper, and your soul. Tune in to Gary Brecher's urgent request for reinforcements and donate as much as you can. If you don't, we'll be overrun and wiped off the face of the earth, forever.

Scanning Moscow’s Traffic Cops
Automotive Section
We’re happy to introduce a new column in which we publish Moscow’s raw radio communications, courtesy of a Russian amateur radio enthusiast. This issue, eXile readers are given a peek into the secret conversations of Moscow’s traffic police, the notorious "GAIshniki."

Eleven Years of Threats: The eXile's Incredible Journey
Feature Story By The eXile
Good Night, and Bad Luck: In a nation terrorized by its own government, one newspaper dared to fart in its face. Get out your hankies, cuz we’re taking a look back at the impossible crises we overcame.

Your Letters
Russia's freedom-loving free market martyr Mikhail Khodorkovsky answers some of this week's letters, and he's got nothing but praise for President Medvedev.

Clubbing Adventures Through Time
Club Review By Dmitriy Babooshka
eXile club reviewer Babooshka takes a trip through time with the ghost of Moscow clubbing past, present and future, and true to form, gets laid in the process.

The Fortnight Spin
Bardak Calendar By Jared Lindquist
Jared comes out with yet another roundup of upcoming bardak sessions.

Your Letters
Richard Gere tackles this week's letters. Now reformed, he fights for gerbil rights all around the world.

13 Toxic Talents: Hollywood’s Worst Polluters
America By Eileen Jones
Everybody complains about celebrities, but nobody does anything about them. People, it’s time to stop fretting about whether we’re a celebrity-obsessed culture—we are, we have been, we’re going to be—and instead take practical steps to clean up the celebrity-obsessed culture we’ve got...


    MAIN    |    RUSSIA    |    WAR NERD     |    [SIC!]    |    BAR-DAK    |    THE VAULT    |    ABOUT US    |    RSS

© "the eXile". Tel.: +7 (495) 623-3565, fax: +7 (495) 623-5442