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Kino Korner September 6, 2002
Spielberg Needs A Stalker
By Mark Ames Browse author Email
Page 4 of 4
Let's admit it: digital animation is ruining special effects. The first Jurassic Park seemed so much more real than the last one. This movie is nothing but high-speed computer game graphics spliced into live action. Do viewers really convince themselves that the effects are seamless?

There's more that sucks. There's no fear in the movie. Dick's books are all about fear: fear of failure, fear of the wife, of children, of the telephone, of tomorrow... These guys fear nothing. They're tough, laconic not because they're internalizing pain, but because they have nothing to say. It's also a pro-family, anti-drug movie, which is the complete inverse of Dick's weltanschaaung. Dick is the greatest drug writer of all time, and the most anti-family propagandist since Tolstoy. Not Spielberg's Dick. Another total bastardization: Cruise's wife looks just like Laura Bush. Dick's women tended to be mean, psychotic, sluttish, deceptive, selfish, frightening and voluptuous. Laura Bush all that?! Good God, people. This is where the violent impulses start to rise up. I want to know, and I look forward to your letters on this -- do Americans really think that Laura Bush is a likable creature. Cuz I say she's not likable at ALL, she can't be! She's an EXOSKELETON for chrissakes, not a human being. I'd be terrified to get under the sheets with that bitch!

So, the movie is an atrocity. Now, the rating... Minority Report is a waste of time for right-thinking people who are nonetheless unschooled in PKD, and therefore won't be deeply offended. They'll only regret wasting three hours of their precious lives, and I don't blame them. They're lucky they don't know the degree to which Spielberg fucked this film up. In the Muslim world, I would assume that the movie would make little sense and likely be misinterpreted through their madras-molded minds into something just as harmless as was originally intended. So no bin Ladens. But for us Dick fans, this atrocity demands a stalker fatwah. And that's what I'm giving it. Two and a half fatwahs, as represented here by Mark David Chapman, meaning that Spielberg should be relentlessly hunted wherever he goes for the rest of his life by disgruntled, fat-waisted, greasy-haired sci-fi fans, and terminated with extreme, though not exactly sadistic, prejudice, preferably in front of his wife and children.


Champan Champan Champan


All films shown in Russian, except those marked * (subtitled) and as otherwise indicated.


Radisson-Slavjanskaya Hotel
M: Kievskaya, 941-8747
(All films shown in English; Russian headphone translation available Tue.-Sun.)
Scooby Doo Sept. 7: 15.00; Sept. 8: 12.30
Minority Report Sept. 5: 19.00, 21.30; Sept. 6: 21.00; Sept. 7: 17.00, 21.30; Sept. 8: 16.30, 21.00; Sept. 9: 19.00, 21.30; Sept. 11 - Sept. 12: 19.00, 21.30; Sept. 13: 19.00; Sept. 14: 14.30, 19.00, 21.30; Sept. 15: 16.30, 21.00; Sept. 18: 19.00, 21.30
Ice Age Sept. 6: 17.00; Sept. 7: 13.00; Sept. 8: 14.30; Sept. 13: 17.00; Sept. 14: 13.00; Sept. 15: 12.30
We Were Soldiers Sept. 4: 21.00
E.T.: Extra-Terrestrial Sept. 4: 19.00; Sept. 6: 19.00; Sept. 7: 19.30; Sept. 8: 19.00; Sept. 13: 21.30; Sept. 14: 17.00; Sept. 15: 14.30, 19.00


18/1, Olympiysky prospekt
M: Prospect Mira
Tel. 931-9873
Minority Report Sept. 5: 18.00, 20.45; Sept. 6 - Sept. 8: 20.00, 22.45; Sept. 9 - Sept. 12; 18.30, 21.15; Sept. 13: 18.00, 20.45, 23.30; Sept. 14: 18.00, 21.00, 23.45; Sept. 15: 16.00, 19.00, 22.00
Ice Age Sept. 4: 18.00; Sept. 7: 11.00, 13.00, 15.00; Sept. 14: 12.00, 14.00, 16.00; Sept. 15: 12.00, 14.00
Mr. Deeds Sept. 4: 20.00, 22.00


47/24, Ul. Pokrovka
M: Krasnye Vorota
Tel. 917-5492
Sex is Comedy Sept. 12: 22.00, 00.00; Sept. 13 - Sept. 18: 9.00, 11.00, 13.00, 15.00, 17.00, 19.00, 20.45, 22.30, 00.30
Betty Fisher et autres histoires Sept. 4 - Sept. 11: 9.00, 11.00, 13.00, 15.00, 17.00, 19.00, 21.00, 23.00, 1.00; Sept. 12: 9.00, 11.00, 13.00, 15.00, 17.00


2, Pushkinskaya ploshchad
M: Pushkinskaya/Chekhovskaya
Tel: 229-2111
Scooby Doo Sept. 4: 10.15, 14.30, 19.00; Sept. 5: 10.15, 14.30
E.T.: Extra-Terrestrial Sept. 4: 12.15, 16.30, 21.00, 23.15, 1.30; Sept. 5: 12.15, 16.30
Reign of Fire Sept. 5: 21.30, 00.00; Sept. 6 - Sept. 17: 10.00, 12.15, 14.30, 16.45, 19.00, 21.30, 00.00; Sept. 18: 10.00, 12.15, 14.30, 16.45, 19.00, 00.15

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