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Unfiled July 26, 2002
 
Nipple Safari
 
 

Moscow's in the midst of another record-breaking heat wave, and nipples have been blooming all over town! As this year has proven to be especially bra-less, many formerly unknown shapes and sizes have appeared in the local fauna. In past years, the eXile has focused on the bulging camel toe and the ever-popular shorn snapper. This year, however, Moscow's dyevs are showing off their nipples like never before In order to facilitate amateur nipple watchers, we've recruited several leading niptologists from around the globe to assemble an accessible guide to this summer's new varieties of nipple, from the rare to the common, the massive to the eraser-like. We hope our Nipplanomicon will help U determine not only what that bud means, but also how it might taste if U were to bite it off!

Handfillerus Mediumus

These are the nipples you see on the street, and you just wanna grab 'em!

  • Habitat: Everywhere
  • Taste: African student cum

Rackius Serious

This is a poisonous nipple that we urge our readers not to feed or touch. It usually has a mate nearby ready to tear your head off and vomit down your neck.

  • Habitat: Inside of German cars
  • Taste: n/a

Perkius Androgynous

Large dark-spot circumference

  • Habitat: Lower altitudes
  • Taste: Yummie

Pimplus Prepubescentus

This sprightly little bugger, also known as the "Pipple," responds to ice cream.

  • Habitat: Manezh near the fountain
  • Taste: like Hello Kitty perfume

Startingus Saggius

Not every nipple pokes you in the eye! This one has a short life span before the bra goes on.

  • Habitat: Muzei, Pyramid
  • Taste: Lactilicious

Siliconus perfectus

Easily recognized by its perfect, not-of-this-earth symmetry.

  • Habitat: Spearmint Rhino
  • Taste: Michelin tire treads

Nipplus Minimus

A common breed of nipple often accompanied by a budding, potentially large rack.

  • Habitat: Park Ave. Disco
  • Taste: Smetana

Thrustus Maximus

This nipple is often hard for the untrained eye to see.

  • Habitat: Justo
  • Taste: Slightly fruity bouquet

Papajohnus Foreverus

Similar to Gremlins: only reaches full maturity when doused in water.

  • Habitat: Cramped, smelly places without air conditioning
  • Taste: Like some Russian guy's rank saliva
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